The other night for our date, Galen and I went to see Tangled. We hardly ever go to movies, but the sweet happily ever after princess movie in 3D just seemed impossible for us not to go. Well, me anyways. Like many fairy tales twisted with the Disney spin, the fair maiden was born with magical power, stolen as a child, locked in a tower, raised by another woman, is mistakenly found, escapes the tower and is reunited with her real parents... and of course, lives happily ever after. Not with Prince Charming though, a former thief.
Anyway, not the point. So this blog isn't to be a critique on the movie, however, it was very enjoyable and the music was good. This blog is intended to reveal the message I got from it. At the end of the movie, when Rapunzel is finally reunited with her royal parents, there is a moment where they stare at each other in a surreal sort of way. After a few seconds, mother and daughter hug and dad quickly joins in. There is weeping and smiles. Except it wasn't just the cartoon characters who were weeping. I was a red hot weeping mess.
Last week, after going to a friends candle party, I met a woman and I was talking to her about my miscarriage. She shared with me a story about a boy who died. He had appendicitis and died. Fortunately, he was able to be revived. After coming back to, the little boy was able to tell his parents what he had seen. He met poppy (a beloved relative in which the child never met on Earth). The other surprising revelation was that when he came back he asked his parents if they knew that he had a sister. He said that he had met her and she had told him that she had to leave when she was in her mommy's womb.
If I haven't explained myself clearly enough, let me do that now. I feel in some ways that my baby was taken from me. And I know where my child is currently, not wandering in space, not stolen, nor locked up in a tower somewhere, but in Heaven. Anyway, what hit me was seeing Rapunzel reunite with her parents. I realized, in such a transparent way, that I too would be reunited with my child. Maybe tomorrow, maybe 50 years from now.
Watching that movie really reassured me and I continued to realize that I can have hope. Not only hope to go to Heaven some day, but hope to see my baby and get to know him/her. This revelation became so obvious and real to me that that is the reason I sat there and cried. I am so thankful for that hope, without it, I don't know how I could heal.
Rasler Ramblings
Monday, December 6, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Being grateful
The intention was to write this blog closer to the end of November to sum up how I'm thankful for so many "things". But it's already December, so I'm behind. It is what it is. :)
Christ. Without trying to sound like some cliche Christian who thanks God for everything, I want to really write my genuine feelings. Not that there is anything wrong with people who are thankful to God, but I want to perhaps be a little bit more specific and explain why. When I think about what Christ has done for me, died in my place, it's hard to reason. I don't understand why Christ loves me (and you) so very much, because I know me and I'm not very lovable (if I'm honest with myself). I am just so thankful that I can do NOTHING to earn my salvation, but humbly and simply accept it as a gift alone. What amazing freedom and grace God has extended to me. No matter how often I saw this to people or on facebook or whatever, I want to say it again. Christ's death and resurrection is a tremendous gift. Him choosing the cross in hopes that I (and you) may believe in Him and be able to spend eternity with the very one who created me is... incredible. My words are lacking the expression I was hoping for, but I hope you can gather what I'm trying to say. Anyway, the day I stop showing my gratitude for this act of kindness is the day I've forgotten how truly wretched and unrighteous I am and lost sight of just how holy and perfect my God is. So it is with that that I am thankful for Christ for the ultimate gift and I attribute the rest of the "things" below as abundant blessings from Him.
Husband/Family. I am so thankful for Galen. Wow. He's just the best kind of guy you can get. He is truly my best friend. Before we dated, we were friends, and that was one of the coolest aspects about dating. I just got to hang out with this guy who made me laugh, who I made laugh and yet could talk about the craziest topics together. He is so not like me. He is better. When I think about how he should react to: what I said or what I did he always surprises me. Instead of being angry, he is understanding; instead of walking away, he is understanding and listens; instead of trying to talk his way into an answer, he just holds me; instead of being stressed out, he prays.
My family and his family have also been such a great blessing. Our families have just been a tremendous support to us as we got dated, got married and went through so many other stages in our lives. They continue to support us and show us what marriage is really like and what it means to stick it out - even when it gets difficult. They have both shown us what it means to be generous, what it means to think of others first. I find myself blessed to have the parents I do and to have the in laws. I am also so incredibly thankful that this time of year isn't miserable for me. It can be for a lot of people, but I truly enjoy my family, my in-laws and outlaws, too. :)
Things. I have been so convicted about this list I'm about to share with you. I find that I have many tangible things to be thankful for and I quickly realize that I am not concerning myself enough with other people and their needs. This year: God blessed us with renting a house cheaper than our apartment, a dog (who has been truly a blessing and helped me with healing), dishwasher #2 :), more clothes, a new camera, a car that still runs (9 years and going strong), a warm home, a getaway to Chicago, a vacation to Florida, extra hours for Galen to work, a gym membership, a job for me that I love, plenty of Christmas decorations, internet at home, food in the cupboards and so much more.
Miscarriage. I have to be very careful when I put this under my list of things to be thankful for. Please don't misinterpret this placement. I never would have chosen to go through what I have, it has been painful and difficult in so many more ways than I realized. But because of what I went through, I have certainly learned so much. Mind you, I am still healing, I'm still dealing with my loss, and I still find it heart-wrenching to be around babies and pregnant women. However, my eyes have been opened. I would still not classify myself as a compassionate person (there are so many more who are better at it than me!), but I feel that I can empathize so much more with people. People who've lost a loved one, women who've lost a child, or people who have depression. If you don't know me by now, I'll tell you that I'm very independent and stubborn. At least up until the last couple of months. I've had to let some of that go because I knew how broken I was and I couldn't afford people not to help me. I've been humbled by the generosity of others. The fact I could pride myself on working out 6-7 hours a week quickly became the sad reality of being lucky to put on my sports bra. My heart and compassion have grown. I understand why people who are depressed can't just do it. (I never would've gotten it before, like I said, I was a driven, independent, "want-it-fixed-do-something-about-it-kind-of-person". Sometimes it takes everything I have just to make it through the day. Some days I feel like an outcast. In my group of friends, I don't belong to either of the groups that exist. Those that want and have children or those that aren't ready to start a family. What about me?
So I have learned what it feels like not to belong - to question how you fit in even with the people who accept you. I've learned that it feels nice to be checked up on once in awhile. It feels nice to have people listen to you and not tell you anything more.
The journey has been painful, but what is done is done. Through this hurt, I can rest in the fact that I will see my baby again some day and spend time with him/her for all eternity. I know my baby is safely resting in the arms of Jesus.
I am blessed.
Christ. Without trying to sound like some cliche Christian who thanks God for everything, I want to really write my genuine feelings. Not that there is anything wrong with people who are thankful to God, but I want to perhaps be a little bit more specific and explain why. When I think about what Christ has done for me, died in my place, it's hard to reason. I don't understand why Christ loves me (and you) so very much, because I know me and I'm not very lovable (if I'm honest with myself). I am just so thankful that I can do NOTHING to earn my salvation, but humbly and simply accept it as a gift alone. What amazing freedom and grace God has extended to me. No matter how often I saw this to people or on facebook or whatever, I want to say it again. Christ's death and resurrection is a tremendous gift. Him choosing the cross in hopes that I (and you) may believe in Him and be able to spend eternity with the very one who created me is... incredible. My words are lacking the expression I was hoping for, but I hope you can gather what I'm trying to say. Anyway, the day I stop showing my gratitude for this act of kindness is the day I've forgotten how truly wretched and unrighteous I am and lost sight of just how holy and perfect my God is. So it is with that that I am thankful for Christ for the ultimate gift and I attribute the rest of the "things" below as abundant blessings from Him.
Husband/Family. I am so thankful for Galen. Wow. He's just the best kind of guy you can get. He is truly my best friend. Before we dated, we were friends, and that was one of the coolest aspects about dating. I just got to hang out with this guy who made me laugh, who I made laugh and yet could talk about the craziest topics together. He is so not like me. He is better. When I think about how he should react to: what I said or what I did he always surprises me. Instead of being angry, he is understanding; instead of walking away, he is understanding and listens; instead of trying to talk his way into an answer, he just holds me; instead of being stressed out, he prays.
My family and his family have also been such a great blessing. Our families have just been a tremendous support to us as we got dated, got married and went through so many other stages in our lives. They continue to support us and show us what marriage is really like and what it means to stick it out - even when it gets difficult. They have both shown us what it means to be generous, what it means to think of others first. I find myself blessed to have the parents I do and to have the in laws. I am also so incredibly thankful that this time of year isn't miserable for me. It can be for a lot of people, but I truly enjoy my family, my in-laws and outlaws, too. :)
Things. I have been so convicted about this list I'm about to share with you. I find that I have many tangible things to be thankful for and I quickly realize that I am not concerning myself enough with other people and their needs. This year: God blessed us with renting a house cheaper than our apartment, a dog (who has been truly a blessing and helped me with healing), dishwasher #2 :), more clothes, a new camera, a car that still runs (9 years and going strong), a warm home, a getaway to Chicago, a vacation to Florida, extra hours for Galen to work, a gym membership, a job for me that I love, plenty of Christmas decorations, internet at home, food in the cupboards and so much more.
Miscarriage. I have to be very careful when I put this under my list of things to be thankful for. Please don't misinterpret this placement. I never would have chosen to go through what I have, it has been painful and difficult in so many more ways than I realized. But because of what I went through, I have certainly learned so much. Mind you, I am still healing, I'm still dealing with my loss, and I still find it heart-wrenching to be around babies and pregnant women. However, my eyes have been opened. I would still not classify myself as a compassionate person (there are so many more who are better at it than me!), but I feel that I can empathize so much more with people. People who've lost a loved one, women who've lost a child, or people who have depression. If you don't know me by now, I'll tell you that I'm very independent and stubborn. At least up until the last couple of months. I've had to let some of that go because I knew how broken I was and I couldn't afford people not to help me. I've been humbled by the generosity of others. The fact I could pride myself on working out 6-7 hours a week quickly became the sad reality of being lucky to put on my sports bra. My heart and compassion have grown. I understand why people who are depressed can't just do it. (I never would've gotten it before, like I said, I was a driven, independent, "want-it-fixed-do-something-about-it-kind-of-person". Sometimes it takes everything I have just to make it through the day. Some days I feel like an outcast. In my group of friends, I don't belong to either of the groups that exist. Those that want and have children or those that aren't ready to start a family. What about me?
So I have learned what it feels like not to belong - to question how you fit in even with the people who accept you. I've learned that it feels nice to be checked up on once in awhile. It feels nice to have people listen to you and not tell you anything more.
The journey has been painful, but what is done is done. Through this hurt, I can rest in the fact that I will see my baby again some day and spend time with him/her for all eternity. I know my baby is safely resting in the arms of Jesus.
I am blessed.
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