Have you ever sought an answer, a job, an alternative and after all you did, you were told no?

Yeah, me, too.

All day I had been anxious.  My stomach was in knots waiting for the answer.  Food had lost its taste, and I really lacked focus.  The previous 10 days I had been able to be focused in prayer, and by God's grace, I wasn't trapped with anxiety.  But the time for the answer was closing in and it was difficult to keep my thoughts focused any longer.

It was 3:45pm and I called Galen to see if he had heard any news. He replied with the response, "The doctor was relieved to tell us it's Chronic Mylogenous Leukemia and not Acute Mylogenous Leukemia."  Tears burst over my eyelids like broken dams. Relieved?  I didn't want the lesser of two evils.  I didn't want cancer at all!!

I felt the pain of a stake break the glass of my heart. Its' chards piercing deep into my lungs, preventing my body to do what its supposed to do. It was at that moment I had to tell myself how to breathe because it was no longer possible for me to do it without thinking.

Somehow though, in my own stubborn defiance to cancer, I refused to give into such crushing news at that moment and let my voice quiver. 

I would be brave. 

I would be courageous.

I would not allow cancer to steal anything more of what it already had set to do.  With as much guts as I could muster, I only uttered a few short words.

"Okay" I replied. "I'll see you when you get home.  I'll call your family."  And so I had to switch roles to be the bearer of bad news to inform a mother and a father and sisters that their son and brother had the cancer we all prayed against.  But I couldn't do any more refusing to answer the "how are you?" question.  I couldn't go there.  I wouldn't go there.

Not yet anyway.  Quite frankly, I didn't know how I was.  I wasn't sure of my feelings. I didn't know how to answer this "no".  I was just trying to stand.

----.

But no?  How no? Why no?

I didn't feel angry.  Instead, when I relive so much of that moment, which is now a part of me, I see the 5 year old version of myself.  The one with long brunette wavy hair, in her Sunday dress, fresh faced and full of innocence. This girl was asking her daddy why the answer was "no?" while peering down at the ground trying not to express the extent of how much her heart hurt.  It's not that I wouldn't have my moments of rage, anger and lots of swearing because I did, it was just at that moment, I didn't understand.  I was so sad, so disappointed, so confused because I didn't understand why my faith wasn't enough.  Why my fasting wasn't enough.  Or why my belief in God wasn't enough.  I didn't know what I could have done more to get God to say yes.  I was perplexed and as I cried out I could hear my Abba Father whisper in my ear, "I know baby, I know you don't understand.  I know this doesn't make sense, but please just trust me."  I felt Him wrap me up in His arms and sit me on His lap.  I felt the warmth of His kiss on my cheek as He also wiped away the streams of tears.  He knew I didn't understand, but his patience and compassion for my broken heart was great.

So yeah, I've heard "no".  And it sucks. To this day, I'm not exactly sure why God allowed my husband to develop leukemia. I don't know that I see the bigger picture always.  I hate cancer and I wish it was a tangible "thing" because I would cut it.  I would throw it.  I would pour out my anger all over it.  

But over these last two years, He's taken that shattered heart of mine and He is rebuilding it.  He has provided bills to the exact dollar amount.  He has given my husband one of the most caring, knowledgeable and compassionate oncologists. Somehow, by God's grace, I have been able to share our story with countless others and more importantly about God's faithfulness.  He has replaced areas in my life where I lacked empathy and helped to give me more compassion (although I still have an enormous way to go!) He even took a dream that I had in college to speak to large groups of people and tell them why they should trust Jesus and He allowed it to happen 3 times that year. He has given us both more boldness about our faith in Him.  I have found through this whole time, that even though I don't understand why, I am thankful for the opportunity to grow in Him and to know the He is worth trusting. 

Two years later and I am thankful for "no".  

#TwoYearsAgo

#cancerSucks

#GodisGood

#ItsGoodToRemember

I am afraid

In my devotions this morning,  I was reminded about the need to pray about any ungodly fear in my life.  I tend to believe I am not an anxious or a fearful person.  I don't often find myself consumed about the potential what if's life may or may not have in store for me.

That is until about 2 years ago when Galen was diagnosed with an incurable cancer, I totaled our SUV and I had to give my 5 month old son, Boaz, life saving CPR.  My life was so frightening and incredibly overwhelming as the waters of terror fell upon me.  I was so consumed that I had no idea what was next.  And that was the most terrifying part of all.  I just didn't know what was waiting to crush me.  I didn't know what was finally going to be the last straw and break my spirit. And as long as we can be afraid of the future, we allow the enemy to rob of us life and joy (John 10:10).

But that was 730 days ago and my life has gone back to normal, hasn't it? Outward appearances may suggest that, but over the last few years I found I have to actively protect my mind against ungodly fright.  In part because I have experienced incredibly scary events in my life and ones that all happened in quick succession to each other.

It wasn't until we had Keziah late last Fall that I felt those fears begin to circle me again.  I didn't realize there was residue leftover from Bo's incident.  Over the last month and a half, Keziah has slept 8 - 10 hours (Praise God!!) but it has also haunted me.  There have been times in the middle of the night I have woken up out of sheer panic as if trepidation had me gripped by the neck. Without clear thoughts I quickly slam my hand on her belly to check for her life.  My chest hurts and my stomach aches as I slowly feel relief enter back in my body.  Thank God, not again.  It's a fearful thought to any parent, but especially to one who has seen and found their child blue, limp and lifeless before.

I go to our bathroom where I see Galen's medication laying on the counter and am tempted to wonder how long will it last? 

No, he is not in remission.  

No, he is not cured.  

No, he is not healed. 

And so I wonder how long will this treatment work until I'm told heartbreaking news again? My best friend's dad died of this SAME cancer.  How long do I have with him? And then there are the times I am driving and I'm overcome with the thought we are going to wreck our vehicle again only this time maybe I won't be so fortunate to bring my kids home with me.  

Fear has been attacking me like a roaring lion. 

I find myself in fear of a year from the pit of hell again. 

But with apprehension comes a CHOICE.  An option to succumb to those fears or a decision to live in the hope and freedom of Jesus Christ.  A decision to remember God's faithfulness and to trust in spite of my fears. But I can't fight these fears unless I put on the helmet of salvation where I guard my mind against such terrible thoughts.  Or if I don't pick up the Sword of the Spirit, God's Word, to counter the enemies lies.  Or if I do not praise the Creator for, well, everything.  That's how I prevent fear from encroaching on my life, something that locking doors, using baby monitors and driving the speed limit can't do.  Because you see doing all the "right" things doesn't prevent real tradegy from happening.  Even being a believer in Christ doesn't prevent us from trials, however, it's knowing He's got the whole world in His hands that gives me peace no matter the circumstance.  It's knowing there is more than this life to think about.  There will be a day when trials, tribulations, sadness, injustice will all disappear.  And my heart longs for that day when Jesus returns.

So today and every day I CHOOSE to battle with my fears with weapons of war and that will win.  I wage against these thoughts with Scripture and thanksgiving.  

Today my fear will not be given permission to permeate my mind.

Today my fears will be taken captive.  

Today my fears will find themselves answering to the Almighty God.

Today I will fight these fears with the truth of God's word.

When I am afraid, I am reminded to cast my cares on Him because He does care for me. (1 Peter 5:6 -7)

When my heart is faint, He is my God and will strengthen me. (Isaiah 41:10)

When I pray and ask God He will provide peace to guard my heart and mind (Philippians 4:6-7)

If I experience my worst fear, I know He will never leave me nor forsake me. ( Deuteronomy 31:6)

and my favorite one, the verse I recite often aloud in my home is a deep meaningful, descriptive passage in which I love:

Even when I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I don't have to be afraid because my God is with me and will bring me comfort (Psalm 23:4)

These promises don't guarantee that I won't see my fears come true, but they give me hope that I am not alone, and that no matter the outcome my Jesus is in control.  And it's at that moment, after my heart experiences relief as I have again checked on Keziah, that I remember why we named her that.  Keziah was a gift to Job after he experienced his own hell.  

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

    because the Lord has anointed me

    to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

    to proclaim freedom for the captives

    and release from darkness for the prisoners,

2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor

    and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

3     and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

    instead of ashes,

the oil of joy

    instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

    instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

    a planting of the Lord

    for the display of his splendor."

Ashes for beauty, friends.  Ashes for beauty.