Stones of Rememberence

In the Christian walk, we are often asked to create stones of remembrance.  Those times when we faced hardship and trial, the testing of our faith and we are to not dwell on the pain, but thank God for His faithfulness.

For me, today is one of those days.  It was three years ago, when I was blind sighted with unimaginable news. A dreary day it was as Galen and I headed for his first appointment to discuss why his white blood cells were so high. They were 169, when they should've been between 3 - 10. My non-medical mind didn't know how dangerously high those numbers were or how clearly, they pointed to the leukemia that had developed in his body.

I went into this doctor’s appointment with the answer already in my head.  My husband would have caught some sort of weird cold and the medical professionals were being cautious and following the rules in order to be safe.  This rationale made sense to me because by every single indication, my 28-year-old husband was healthy.  And I wasn’t going to believe a doctor that told me otherwise.

But within minutes of our meeting, the hematologist said Galen had either AML or CML and he hope it was CML because that was treatable.  I lost my breath in that moment, unable to comprehend his words. The questions ran down my face in the forms of tears.  What was this I was hearing? My body went into autopilot which I was grateful for because in that moment there was no way I could begin to tell it how to breathe. The oncologist told us if he did have this cancer, even though it isn't curable, it was the right one to have.

I wanted to punch him.

We drove home with darkness over us. My head was spinning.  I had asked God to make me a woman of faith and prayer, but what the heck was this?  Boaz was born prematurely, I totaled our SUV just 15 days prior and now this?  What the heck was happening? I wasn’t just afraid for my husband having cancer today, but what else was in store for my family?

But as every thought stormed my brain, desiring to take me hostage, a thought entered my mind, “God sized dreams don’t come without resistance.”

You see, Galen was going to drop me and the boys off at home and then he was off to the insurance office to pick up a $6,000 check for wrecking our vehicle. That check had been delayed into getting into our hands until that very day. You see, that $6,000 was a miracle from God. Our SUV was only worth $2,500. And after I totaled that vehicle, the Lord asked me to pray for DOUBLE the amount of the vehicle. I kept asking the Lord if He has ever, in all His Awesomeness and Creatorship self, dealt with insurance because that was a tall order. I asked God to forgive where I had unbelief and I prayed that He would give us double the value of the vehicle.

God did.

Then the insurance company called back the next day and told us they made a mistake.

Of course, they did, I figured they figured us out.

Well, they offered us $1000 more.

Days like that one are ETCHED into my memory. This day challenged my faith in Jesus Christ. This day mocked at my hope in the Creator God. And maybe you think I live too much in the past as I remember these days, maybe you think I need to be over it, maybe you get tired of hearing about the cancer and what we dealt with during that year of hell.

But that day changed me.
It refined my faith.
It dissected every part of me and put my belief in God to the test.

That year was not over and our battle with cancer still wages, however, God has proven Himself faithful hundreds of times over.  And I sit here and remember. That day was a gift in disguise.

I remember this day and use it to build my faith.  Not knowing what the Lord has planned for my future, but trusting if He could bring us through that (and still is), then He can again in the future.

And is Jesus worth trusting you ask? Absolutely.

Cinderella Mom

Monday again, even for her can be hard. This wife and momma wears her ragged yoga pants and old sweatshirts, like a modern-day Cinderella girl.  Her once done hair, is now 5 days old and is falling out of her messy bun, drifting off low and to the side.  Her face unwashed and teeth not yet brushed.  The mundane of Monday sets in again, as this Cinderella momma has done heaps of chores, sorted oodles of laundry and washed every Buzz Light Year and Jake sippy cup her family owned.  

And today, even though it’s Monday and even though it’s February, she breaks from the days tasks to beckon her children outside. It’s not often Winter relents to Spring, but because it does today, she brings them out into the sunshine. The older two wear socks only, the belly of the youngest babe hangs well out her shirt. The new pants of the oldest are already ripped.  The yard is littered with old garage sale toys.  The lawn is overgrown and wild and in need of some tender care, the weeds of her flowerbeds begin to awake, but today she lays down her Cinderella self.  She sits in the old rickety wicker lawn chair and basks in the sunshine unsure of why it actually feels warm and no wind can be felt. 

She’s propped in her seat, drawn into the action of her children like a good book or an enticing movie.  There on the old playset, they are playing with each other immune to the fact she lovingly watches them play.  The breathless giggles as the youngest holds tightly to her pacifier, while the sounds of her excitement exhale.  The brothers giggle ferociously as they push each other and tackle each other down the slide.  Careful not to hurt each other they all delight in the company of the other two. They take turns throwing their head backs, playing peekaboo and losing them self in the moment, like children do when they have no agenda, no list, and no care in the world.

Without a doubt, this Cinderella mom’s heart is filled with joy, not sure where she’s really receiving the warmth, from the sun or from the giggles of her three little loves?  Surely, today is a gift.  A sweet, beautiful present from the Giver Himself.  She can’t help but think a year ago, she wrestled and wagered, wondered and prayed whether she should give up her classroom for them. It seems so silly and trite now. But it was something she loved, and an income this family needed.  But she sacrificed herself for her family, believing it was in the best interest of them she stay home, unsure of how the Giver would provide.

But she sits her today, realizing full well her Giver has provided, not only financially, but for her soul. She cannot deny that she is still reeling in gifts from that one act of faith, that moment of surrender, that point in which she laid down her desires for those she loved most nearly a year ago.   A smile quickly and quietly comes across her face as she is reminded that a day like today, a Monday, an ordinary February day, is the thought that Jesus blesses obedience. She tucks this feeling inside for future times when her faith will yet again be tested, as a reminder God’s ways are better than hers, and when she listens to Him, her heart, her soul is so very deeply satisfied.

#raisingchickensandchildren

#todayisagift

#Godblessesobedience

#benaiahgrey
#boazgraham
#keziahkate

When love is disguised as pride

It’s been an unusual winter, no snow and so much gray. The darkness not only covered the sky, but lingered on over everyone, causing people to ache for even just a little sunshine. The clouds hung so low, the heaviness they carried could be felt on the shoulders of many. She waited by the windows and begged for the light to break through the clouds, even if but for a minute, to find relief from this atmospheric burden. While she was too busy looking out the panes of her old brick farmhouse, she was too blind, however, to see the spiritual burden she was unknowingly carrying, too, and that was robbing her heart of peace. And there she sat in her living room listening to the pastor’s wife and seeing the dark be exposed for what it was by the truth of this wise woman. She, the wife of the carpenter, had expressed a fear for one of her children that she had only shared with a handful of other people. She believed the Bible when it said we have the power to bring life and death with our words (Proverbs 18:21) And because her words mattered, she didn’t want to birth life to that which so deeply distressed her heart. But for years as she wrestled with the Lord in prayer over this child, about this anxiety, she was never given any sort of peace or resolve or feeling that her burden was lifted. And she didn’t know what to make of it.

The pastor’s wife listened keenly to her, reminding her of what she already knew, but had not applied in this situation. The mother of young children knew what it meant to say, even if many times to her fears, in fact it had become her mantra. She had had to say before, “even if we lose this baby” “even if my husband has cancer” “even if I don’t get that job” that God had a way of working out His plan in His timing. But like Peter, this young mother was blinded, in her love for the Lord, thinking that because in her own mind that she was a master of faith, and had no need for encouragement in faith by others.

And like Peter, her pride got in the way.

Peter boastfully shouted that he would die for Jesus, and that he didn’t need to have his feet washed by His Lord that he loved. But in his effort to show adoration of his Master on his own strength, he was actually disobeying Him. And that’s what she was doing as well. What must have Jesus thought when Peter said those things, knowing that Peter would actually disown Jesus not once, but three times. And that Jesus would actually be the one to lay his life down for Peter. She had failed in this situation, to submit this fear to the truth of God’s Word, fighting her own battle and not surrendering this encounter to the Lord.

And so, days after her meeting with the wise pastor’s wife, the mother of these three little munchkins, walked outside into the gloominess of the winter day. And it was right there she felt the need to wrestle in prayer like she had so often, feeling the enemy encroach on her life right there, breathing in her ear this fear, these lies and so she did what Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego had done, “even if, this fear comes true,” she stated, “ I know my God is good. I will trust Him. I do not trust that I get through this situation on my own strength if it would come to fruition, because it would break me, but I know God is good. I know He is great, I know He can bring beauty from ashes, any ashes, and I know what you intend to do to bring me harm, my God HAS, CAN and WILL use for His good and His glory (Genesis 50:20).” And as she walked back inside, she peered up in the sky to see for the first time more than 7 long days, a break in the clouds, and the light had finally broken through the darkness.
#raisingchickensandchildren
#todayisagift