{Heaven}

Do you ever stop to think about what heaven's going to be like?  I do, all the time. Okay, maybe not all the time, but more than you would think.  Funny how certain events in our life can cause our thoughts to be directed to eternity.  If you don't think about heaven because maybe you don't believe in it, I would ask you to at least be willing to ask yourself to really question what you think happens after we all die.  And be brave enough to confront your own opinions in order to discover the truth.

Anyway, today I had one of those moments.  That moment when something in me was brought to tears thinking of an eternal life with my God.  While in church, one of the worship sets was a song called 10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman.  It was something about the melody, the chords, the lyrics, or the moment that just catapulted my imagination into the throne room of Jesus.  Something about that song just washes a sense of peace over my soul. When I close my eyes, I envision Jesus at the center of a huge stadium filled with all the saints of history (and by saints here, I mean sinners who accepted Jesus into his/her life) surrounding the Lord and lifting up all our voices in praise. I see hands lifted high and people singing. Not singing like you would see in most churches, but almost like a reckless abandonment.  Nothing standing in the way of the worship, no shame or humiliation, no worry about being judged by others about how he/she sings, but a genuine outpouring of his/her heart.  The line that says, "sing like never before" is a tiny knife that cuts me open a bit and allows me to leave the worry behind and just praise the Lord.

I also sometimes think that after dying and before the saints reach Jesus that the song Hallelujah by Rufus Wainright (the song in Shrek Shrek's Hallelujah) will be playing.  Well, at least the song, not necessarily the lyrics, but just the chorus that repeats the words Hallelujah.  That song gets to me.  When I hear the chorus, it insights in me a spirit of praising God and maybe that's why it gets me thinking of heaven.  That's what we'll be doing, praising God for eternity!  This song sweeps peace over me.  It's an amazing concept really, start praising God and every thing else in my life doesn't seem to bother me.  Worries flee and fears run.  It's like I feel my heart heal.  And heal of what?  Heal of the all pain, sin and crappiness that is here on earth.  Healing from loss, disease and sickness.  It's the feeling of being reunited with ones who have passed on before me and being hugged by them.  It's finally seeing the Maker of the Universe and being welcomed home by Him and held tightly in His arms.  

Yes, Hallelujah.  Hallelujah!

Man, I long for that.  I long for healing. I long for heaven.

Evolution of a post baby lifestyle

I am wearing the same clothes I had on yesterday.  Not sure the last time I washed my hair. Speaking of hair, I should wash that, I have baby puke all up in it. Baby puke? Oh yeah, I should call it upchuck.  Benaiah didn't puke on me.  He upchucked, barfed, spewed... or whatever you want to call it... all. over. me.  And under me and on me. and whatever preposition you can think of.  Don't worry the couch got it, too.

But I still love him.

Workouts surprisingly still happen.  I know that's not the case for everyone.  But instead of finally deciding to get my butt up off the couch and turn off some infomercial because I realize that I really don't need another workout video or weight loss product, I realize baby just fell asleep time to TURBOJAM!

Anyway....

workouts they don't happen any time of the day that I finally decide to workout.  They happen as soon as that child of mine is fed, done burping with an occasional upchuck or whatever. I'm talking 6:30 am workouts.  I am not a morning person.  But since I no longer own my own time I do what I'm told when I'm told.

Dinner?  Oh yeah.

I have to start dinner sometime before lunch because with all the delightful interruptions throughout the day that's about the only way it will get done.  Maybe.  Or just maybe we will have ham sandwiches again.  Except we are out of ham, milk and cheese because I forgot them the last time I was at the grocery store.  We could go to the grocery today to pick them up today, but he just ate an hour ago that means he'll be getting hungry in about an hour and a half and that's when things get unpredictable.  Maybe he'll sleep, maybe he'll cry, maybe he'll be inconsolable.  Maybe another whacko will come up to me and want to touch him, or kiss him or hold him.  Good thing I have baby puke in my hair, and haven't showered in awhile, and maybe I put on deodarant in the last 24 hours, might keep the whackos away.   :) 

But, I'd rather order pizza.  Again.

It's 10:30 am and today is just getting exciting.  :)

My 2nd Mother's Day

Dear Baby Rasler,

Today was MOther's Day and my second one at that.  It was an interesting day.  I had a great time celebrating my mothers, but it was not a day that I was expecting.  Just when I thought I'd gotten to the core of my onion, I realized today a few more layers of it had to be peeled back.  Most people probably don't realize or have forgotten about you.  Many people think that your brother has probably completely healed this hurting mommy's heart.  While having your brother here has brought me joy, he hasn't replaced you.  In fact, there are parts of my pain that feel intensified because of his presence.  Don't misunderstand me, I love your little brother. I just can't get enough of him, but it's because of those feelings that make me hurt.  I never got those moments with you.

I never got to witness your birth, know if you were my little prince or princess, I don't even know your name.  I never got to see you smile, I didn't ever get the chance to study your face and your features.  I never got the chance to hug, and kiss and snuggle with you. I haven't heard the cries and whimpers, I haven't seen the lip quivers, and I haven't even heard all your precious little sounds. I never got to get up in the middle of the night because you needed to be fed, nor did I get to change a diaper of yours, I didn't get to get peed on, pooped on or puked on either. 

Realizing what I missed out with you has an interesting effect on my relationship with your brother.  I want to cherish every moment with him, I want to give him kisses everyday and at the very least I want him to know he is so incredibly loved.  But it makes it hard when I have to be away from him.  I feel like I'm missing out.  For the most part, I don't worry about people mishandling him, dropping him or not caring for him correctly, but I feel left out.  And when I feel that emotion, it reminds me that I have been left out of the chance to love on you here.  And it makes me not want to miss out on anything for your brother.  I have been trying not to take for granted what a blessing it is to raise this little life.  Crying or not.  Pooped on or clean, I know that what I hold in my arms in one of the greatest blessings I could receive from the Lord.  Knowing that fact, I don't want to miss out on the little things.  I don't want your brother nor you to think anyone else could love you both more besides Jesus himself.

Maybe some people here this and think I'm ridiculous.  Maybe some people read this and understand.   But I want you to know that I love you and the last thing I'd want is for you to think I forgot about you.  Your brother hasn't replaced you, his presence has only allowed for me to love you more. I hope you know tonight your daddy and I asked that Jesus would give you an extra hug from the two of us since we can't do that either.

You are loved sweet baby (even though now you'd be just over a year old, you'll always be my baby)

Love, Mommy