Stuck

I am a big believer in trying to learn whatever I possibly can while going through hard times.  In part, I don't want to waste opportunities to grow.  Even if the circumstance is painful, at the end, I don't want to be the same person.  I hope to be better.

Some lessons, I feel I have been able to learn quickly.  Not trying to sound prideful here, but some of life's challenges I've been open and willing to walk through dark places because I don't want to remain stuck. As much as I hate going through difficult times, I refuse to be held hostage.  But as much as I want to mature, quite frankly, I want the hardship to be over. Sometimes I wonder if I don't try and control a situation by being willing to walk through the fire.  Somehow I rationalize the quicker I learn it, the sooner it is over.    

But there's this one area in which I struggle.  You know, the one question that hasn't been answered.  The one question that I'm too afraid to be vulnerable with God about? Maybe for you it is the question that keeps you from believing in a loving God.  Or that God even exists.  But it is that question that is so deep within you, you're not even sure how deep it goes. All I know for me is that issue rests close to a wounded part of my heart. It hinders me.  But it's complicated because this issue is deep rooted and is sensitive to pain. So much so that it brings out the worst, most irrational part of me.  I know it is a roadblock that I have not yet found the courage to allow God to show me how to navigate it.

I have buried this question so deep within my heart that no one knows about how much I struggle with this part of my faith.  I even keep it hidden from God.  And while I know God knows every part of me, I do my best not to invite Him to go there.  I try my hardest to ignore it.  Forget it.  If I do, He will.  Right? I've been confronted with this issue much of my life and it always brings me to the same spot, I haven't been able to move forward.  I'm stuck. So the pain is my fault.  This roadblock is my fault, right?  Because I can't figure it out.  Or I'm unwilling to let God help me with it.  I'm not sure which.

Because if I were to unearth that question, my greatest fear would be exposed.  So I keep it in the dark, keep it away from light, apprehensive to expose this vulnerable, inmost fear of mine, afraid that this precious piece of my heart will get even more injured.  And that's the last thing I want to be more bitter at God.  Did I just say that? It's wounded now, I don't try and blame God for it, but if I am honest, I feel He hurt my feelings and so it is just better if I don't go there with God.

Am I allowed to say that?  That the God of universe hurt my feelings?

I'm not saying that's right.  I'm not saying that's where I want to be.  I don't like feeling that way about God, but that's where I am.

So what have I done?  I've barricaded a wall around this piece of my heart.  While I know God is good, I struggle with the pain that is there.  I know He is capable of bringing me truth and healing because He's already done that in so much of my messed up life anyway,  but how much longer will it take?  Will I get there?

Okay, here it is.  You want the truth?  You want to know what I've kept hidden?  It's this.  If you ask me to pray for you, I will.  I will pray in faith, I will pray Scripture over you, I will have the faith of a mustard seed, I will go to God on behalf of you, pleading for you and trusting without doubting that God will deliver on His promises for you.

I will.

But I don't believe God will do that for me.  Writing those words conjures up tears already because I envision myself as a little girl full of dreams, a frilly dress, long curly brown hair, big blue sparkly eyes with a sunhat and childlike in every way, asking God, "God, am I special enough that you would do that for me, too?"

And in some areas, yes, I do believe it, but in other subjects, I slowly turn my face away afraid of the truth being no.

I try my hardest not to let my life force me to ask this question out of rage, but every so often, my emotions are full of fury and I end my complaints against God by asking Him if I am not worth doing "this" for? Right now I'm struggling with that.  I've asked God that question, only to hear silence.  The length of the silence may not be a no, but it continues to drag out my greatest fear, that I'm really not all that special to God. And the silence feels like a painful no.  I don't want to manipulate God, not that I could, I don't want to try to force His hand.  But I am uncomfortable in the silence. 

I have been told no in my life.  And it's hard when that happens.  It's painful.  Especially when I am confined to the wisdom of a human being and don't understand the why, the bigger picture or the purpose.  We lost our first baby.  My parents got a divorce.  My husband got cancer. I have felt the effects of no on my life.

But.

Anytime I ask God for any thing in regards to finances, I cringe.  Or hold my breath. You see, that's where this question is particularly sensitive for me. 

Growing up was hard.  I had, and still do have, amazing parents.  But finances were the cause of a lot of problems growing up.  While I don't think it's wrong for kids to have to pay for some things in order to help teach responsibility, I often felt the burden to carry my own weight as much as possible.  I didn't want to make it any harder for my parents who were working so diligently to provide a wonderful home for my family. And they did. I don't want you to get the wrong impression, we weren't poor, but money always seemed to be tight.  I will never know all the ways my parents made personal sacrifices for my benefit.  I don't know all that they gave up for me.  It was hard on all of us.

Buying a house conjures up these deeply rooted emotions and irrational fears again. And I'm overwhelmed because Galen and I are trying to do things the right way.  Not passing judgment on anyone, but after we got married, we worked really, really hard to get my $67,000 school loans paid off and by the grace of God, we did in 4 1/2 years.  And we've tried to pay cash for the things we've bought because we, most definitely myself, don't want to have to battle the life of financial difficulty or live paycheck to paycheck. And my bitterness lies in what I can't have due to finances.  Sometimes I have to make decisions I don't want to make because I don't make a million dollars.  We've already done our time, can't we have a freebie?

Sigh, sounds like another case of entitlement here. I'm not happy I feel this way, I know it's not right, but this issue is so tender to my heart.

All of these thoughts weigh heavily on my heart as I make way to work. I make the mistake of looking at the sunrise this morning and gaze at it's unique beauty. I find myself swept up in adoring its glory. Spectacular, yet again. Today's painting is a fierce orange beam that shoots vertically while the sweet matted colors of a winter pink pack the background. It's contrasted against the purple sky filled with soft thick clouds of winter that make such warm shades feel a bit frosty. It is an amazing creation, so different from yesterday's. So intense.  So unique. So captivating. And as I am gazing at the sky, it's like I made eye contact directly with Jesus and I hear him say just trust me.

My heart grows faint and tears fill my eyes.

He knows my thoughts.
He knows my selfish struggles.
He knows me.

God cut right to the chase and spoke directly to my inner being.  "Kelli, you tell people all the time that I'm worth trusting and you know I've proven it to you.  Why wouldn't I be trustworthy now?"

Jesus, it gets tiring to always have to trust you. Sometimes it's hard not to think that You have forgotten me. To think I'm not special enough.  I'm trying to have a plan to do things the right way, so that I can honor You, but right now, it's not working out that way.

As soon as those thoughts fall as tears down my face, I'm reminded of all the many answers to prayer.  I even recall the time in Ecuador when I asked God to show me how much He loved me and He opened up the night sky and stars in my direction alone filled the sky, one by one the sky shone  even more brightly.  It's the reason I have the tattoo I do, to remind me of His love for me.  Because I like to define what love looks like.  

Love doesn't equal having 20% to put as a down payment on a house.
Love means He sent His son to die in my place.
Love doesn't mean your husband won't get cancer. 
Love means He won't let me walk it alone.
Love doesn't mean I will have everything I ever wanted. 
Love means He'll teach me to be content and dependent on Him.

Actually, God loves me by not giving me everything I need. I'm reminded of the wise section in Proverbs that says, "Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, 'Who is the LORD?' Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God." (chapter 30, verse 9).  What a hard prayer.  Do I really want to be dependent on God like that?  But look at what the writer stated as the alternative, I'll be too proud for God or I'll steal.

God I know you remain faithful even when I am not. Today, I make the choice to believe in You, even if I can't see past my current circumstances.  Help me to move through these fears and trust you do care about me.  Replace these fears with a heart of thanksgiving.