Joseph's mess

O come O come

Emmanuel

and ransom captive Israel

that mourns in lonely exile here

 until the Son of God appears

Rejoice!  Rejoice!

Emmanuel shall come to thee

 O Israel

 

Well, we made it.   Quite frankly, I wasn't sure that was going to happen, but the close of 2014 is coming and I just have to give an amen and praise the Lord for that fact!!  Ha!

This year, as I reflect on the Christmas season, the role of Joseph has related more to me than any other character.  Not much is said about him, other than he was a "righteous man".  And yet, his righteousness was rewarded with a pregnant soon to be wife with a child not his own.  Let's not forget the humanness of this situation.  Joseph must have been devastated at the news. Mary was with child.  Had she been unfaithful to him?  How could she do this?  This news changed everything.  All his plans for their lives together were destroyed.  Then the angel Gabriel comes to Joseph and tells him that Mary is carrying God's Son. And at that moment, Joseph was faced with a choice.  Was he going to believe this mess was really a part of God's plan?  Or not?

And what faith that still must have taken Joseph to believe that this supposed mess, this disruption to his life, somehow was all a part of God's arrangement to save a destitute humanity.  Really, God, your idea includes my fiancée getting pregnant? Your plan means I have to play stepdad and start my family as a blended one?  It's so easy to miss the struggle that Joseph must have had because now we know Mary gave birth to our Savior.   But what faith it took for Joseph to believe in what he didn't yet see.

And this year in the lives of our household, not a single thing went according to plan.  My plan at least.  The addition of Boaz a month early, a wrecked vehicle that downed a power line, Galen's incurable cancer diagnosis and Bo's near death experience were certainly not a part of any of our plans this year.  The journey was dark and uncertain, overwhelming and infuriating at times, but like Joseph, we chose to believe that God was going to walk us through this year.  That somehow God was capable of taking this never-ending nightmare of a year, and somehow make it good.

And He did.  It's unbelievable to us all the things that happened.  This year, as you can imagine, has been incredibly expensive.  Not only that, but I took an extended unpaid maternity leave. But somehow at the end of the year, after paying for an emergency room visit and ambulance ride, appointments with specialists and a new vehicle,  the dream of us buying our own home came true.  I could show you our pay stubs and you'd sit here as baffled as we are.  This year money was supplied by unknown persons, medical refunds were issued, Galen's very expensive daily treatment was covered 100%, twice the value of wrecked vehicles were given, Galen was given ample overtime, and Bo's life was spared just to name a few.

We have much to be thankful for friends.

Galen celebrated 10 years at his job working as a carpenter at DJ Construction.  Galen's prognosis is looking better.  His cancer remains incurable, but he continues to reach and hit benchmark after benchmark.  His oncologist believes Galen has the best possible chance of getting rid of 99.9% of the cancer.  We are most thankful for the fact that he can be at work and without symptoms or side effects of the treatment he takes daily.  We continue to wait and pray, believing in a miracle for him.  His next appointment is in January.

Benaiah is a happy 2 1/2 year old who loves being a boy.  Between wrestling, tower building, doing 48 piece jigsaw puzzles and pretending to be his alter ego "Power B", he keeps us busy and brings us incredible joy.  His excitement in his new daily discoveries is refreshing. He is eager to read and to question.  And while he is all boy, it is a gift to watch a tender love and bond develop between him and Bo.

Boaz, who is nearly a year, continues to grow.  You'd never know he was premature.  His smile is contagious and is a shameless flirt. Currently, he envies his older brother's ability to get around so easily, but we know it won't be long before they are running around together, jumping off furniture and giving this momma a heart attack for sure. And if you want to get on his good side,; he is always up for a rousing game of peek-a-boo.

And me.  I write this letter with my eyes filled with tears.  I am more thankful this year for God's grace.  I have seen Him be faithful, even when I wasn't.  He was loving, even when I was angry.  This year, the Lord has humbled me with his extravagant grace and relentless compassion.  He didn't give up on me, when I so badly wanted to quit on Him. He has transformed my faith. I don't look forward to the next trial I or my family face in the future, but I thank God for this year because when those trials come I will recall all that the Lord has done in this year. 

I don't know where this blog finds you, but know that if you find yourself to be like Joseph, there is hope.  God is the author of the words in Genesis, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives" (50:20).  Trust in those words and His promises.

This Christmas may your home be filled with the peace that only our Savior can bring.  May the hope of Christ's birth fill your days with His joy. Wherever this finds you, there is always hope in Jesus.  May you and your family know the depth of the hope found in Christ alone.

Merriest of Christmases,

Kelli

 

 

 

 

Stuck

I am a big believer in trying to learn whatever I possibly can while going through hard times.  In part, I don't want to waste opportunities to grow.  Even if the circumstance is painful, at the end, I don't want to be the same person.  I hope to be better.

Some lessons, I feel I have been able to learn quickly.  Not trying to sound prideful here, but some of life's challenges I've been open and willing to walk through dark places because I don't want to remain stuck. As much as I hate going through difficult times, I refuse to be held hostage.  But as much as I want to mature, quite frankly, I want the hardship to be over. Sometimes I wonder if I don't try and control a situation by being willing to walk through the fire.  Somehow I rationalize the quicker I learn it, the sooner it is over.    

But there's this one area in which I struggle.  You know, the one question that hasn't been answered.  The one question that I'm too afraid to be vulnerable with God about? Maybe for you it is the question that keeps you from believing in a loving God.  Or that God even exists.  But it is that question that is so deep within you, you're not even sure how deep it goes. All I know for me is that issue rests close to a wounded part of my heart. It hinders me.  But it's complicated because this issue is deep rooted and is sensitive to pain. So much so that it brings out the worst, most irrational part of me.  I know it is a roadblock that I have not yet found the courage to allow God to show me how to navigate it.

I have buried this question so deep within my heart that no one knows about how much I struggle with this part of my faith.  I even keep it hidden from God.  And while I know God knows every part of me, I do my best not to invite Him to go there.  I try my hardest to ignore it.  Forget it.  If I do, He will.  Right? I've been confronted with this issue much of my life and it always brings me to the same spot, I haven't been able to move forward.  I'm stuck. So the pain is my fault.  This roadblock is my fault, right?  Because I can't figure it out.  Or I'm unwilling to let God help me with it.  I'm not sure which.

Because if I were to unearth that question, my greatest fear would be exposed.  So I keep it in the dark, keep it away from light, apprehensive to expose this vulnerable, inmost fear of mine, afraid that this precious piece of my heart will get even more injured.  And that's the last thing I want to be more bitter at God.  Did I just say that? It's wounded now, I don't try and blame God for it, but if I am honest, I feel He hurt my feelings and so it is just better if I don't go there with God.

Am I allowed to say that?  That the God of universe hurt my feelings?

I'm not saying that's right.  I'm not saying that's where I want to be.  I don't like feeling that way about God, but that's where I am.

So what have I done?  I've barricaded a wall around this piece of my heart.  While I know God is good, I struggle with the pain that is there.  I know He is capable of bringing me truth and healing because He's already done that in so much of my messed up life anyway,  but how much longer will it take?  Will I get there?

Okay, here it is.  You want the truth?  You want to know what I've kept hidden?  It's this.  If you ask me to pray for you, I will.  I will pray in faith, I will pray Scripture over you, I will have the faith of a mustard seed, I will go to God on behalf of you, pleading for you and trusting without doubting that God will deliver on His promises for you.

I will.

But I don't believe God will do that for me.  Writing those words conjures up tears already because I envision myself as a little girl full of dreams, a frilly dress, long curly brown hair, big blue sparkly eyes with a sunhat and childlike in every way, asking God, "God, am I special enough that you would do that for me, too?"

And in some areas, yes, I do believe it, but in other subjects, I slowly turn my face away afraid of the truth being no.

I try my hardest not to let my life force me to ask this question out of rage, but every so often, my emotions are full of fury and I end my complaints against God by asking Him if I am not worth doing "this" for? Right now I'm struggling with that.  I've asked God that question, only to hear silence.  The length of the silence may not be a no, but it continues to drag out my greatest fear, that I'm really not all that special to God. And the silence feels like a painful no.  I don't want to manipulate God, not that I could, I don't want to try to force His hand.  But I am uncomfortable in the silence. 

I have been told no in my life.  And it's hard when that happens.  It's painful.  Especially when I am confined to the wisdom of a human being and don't understand the why, the bigger picture or the purpose.  We lost our first baby.  My parents got a divorce.  My husband got cancer. I have felt the effects of no on my life.

But.

Anytime I ask God for any thing in regards to finances, I cringe.  Or hold my breath. You see, that's where this question is particularly sensitive for me. 

Growing up was hard.  I had, and still do have, amazing parents.  But finances were the cause of a lot of problems growing up.  While I don't think it's wrong for kids to have to pay for some things in order to help teach responsibility, I often felt the burden to carry my own weight as much as possible.  I didn't want to make it any harder for my parents who were working so diligently to provide a wonderful home for my family. And they did. I don't want you to get the wrong impression, we weren't poor, but money always seemed to be tight.  I will never know all the ways my parents made personal sacrifices for my benefit.  I don't know all that they gave up for me.  It was hard on all of us.

Buying a house conjures up these deeply rooted emotions and irrational fears again. And I'm overwhelmed because Galen and I are trying to do things the right way.  Not passing judgment on anyone, but after we got married, we worked really, really hard to get my $67,000 school loans paid off and by the grace of God, we did in 4 1/2 years.  And we've tried to pay cash for the things we've bought because we, most definitely myself, don't want to have to battle the life of financial difficulty or live paycheck to paycheck. And my bitterness lies in what I can't have due to finances.  Sometimes I have to make decisions I don't want to make because I don't make a million dollars.  We've already done our time, can't we have a freebie?

Sigh, sounds like another case of entitlement here. I'm not happy I feel this way, I know it's not right, but this issue is so tender to my heart.

All of these thoughts weigh heavily on my heart as I make way to work. I make the mistake of looking at the sunrise this morning and gaze at it's unique beauty. I find myself swept up in adoring its glory. Spectacular, yet again. Today's painting is a fierce orange beam that shoots vertically while the sweet matted colors of a winter pink pack the background. It's contrasted against the purple sky filled with soft thick clouds of winter that make such warm shades feel a bit frosty. It is an amazing creation, so different from yesterday's. So intense.  So unique. So captivating. And as I am gazing at the sky, it's like I made eye contact directly with Jesus and I hear him say just trust me.

My heart grows faint and tears fill my eyes.

He knows my thoughts.
He knows my selfish struggles.
He knows me.

God cut right to the chase and spoke directly to my inner being.  "Kelli, you tell people all the time that I'm worth trusting and you know I've proven it to you.  Why wouldn't I be trustworthy now?"

Jesus, it gets tiring to always have to trust you. Sometimes it's hard not to think that You have forgotten me. To think I'm not special enough.  I'm trying to have a plan to do things the right way, so that I can honor You, but right now, it's not working out that way.

As soon as those thoughts fall as tears down my face, I'm reminded of all the many answers to prayer.  I even recall the time in Ecuador when I asked God to show me how much He loved me and He opened up the night sky and stars in my direction alone filled the sky, one by one the sky shone  even more brightly.  It's the reason I have the tattoo I do, to remind me of His love for me.  Because I like to define what love looks like.  

Love doesn't equal having 20% to put as a down payment on a house.
Love means He sent His son to die in my place.
Love doesn't mean your husband won't get cancer. 
Love means He won't let me walk it alone.
Love doesn't mean I will have everything I ever wanted. 
Love means He'll teach me to be content and dependent on Him.

Actually, God loves me by not giving me everything I need. I'm reminded of the wise section in Proverbs that says, "Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, 'Who is the LORD?' Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God." (chapter 30, verse 9).  What a hard prayer.  Do I really want to be dependent on God like that?  But look at what the writer stated as the alternative, I'll be too proud for God or I'll steal.

God I know you remain faithful even when I am not. Today, I make the choice to believe in You, even if I can't see past my current circumstances.  Help me to move through these fears and trust you do care about me.  Replace these fears with a heart of thanksgiving.

 

 

 

An open letter to my 18 year old self.

 I was inspired to write this letter because I saw a friend post the question, "what advice would you give yourself 10 years ago?"  Wow.  10 years ago?  I was a totally different person, probably somewhat unrecognizable to who I am now.  My friend probably had a sermon to go along with this question, but for me, I've been contemplating just what I would tell myself.

 

So here we go.

 

Dear 18 year old Kelli,

 

It's hard to know what to say because everything I am going to tell you is going to sound like an adult. I can hear you now, saying you are an adult.  No you are not.  You are 18.  You are a fake adult.  Yes, you've had responsibilities, but not the kind that require a bonus check to pay for a bill of some sort. I'm not sure if I'll be able to convince you completely to trust me (which is really just an older, wiser version of yourself by the way), but will you just do me the courteousy and listen anyway?

 

It's kind of exciting being on this side of the pen.  The one writing and not reading, because I know what the next ten years of your life will look like.  I know about future relationships, struggles and successes.  It's hard for me not to want to divulge all these secrets, but quite frankly, it's not going to do you any good. I wouldn't want to run the next ten year adventure for you. So, this letter unfortunately for you, won't disclose when and if there is marriage, if you'll ever be a mom, what career you will obtain, the millions of dollars you will or won't make or anything else on the matter.  I wouldn't want that information to taint what you'd naturally pick or do anyway.  Besides you already got some good news.  You live for the next ten years.  Meaning the rapture didn't happen and yes, you'd better study for all your college finals. 

Instead, I'll let you figure it out.  Don't worry, I think you made some great choices. Except for that time you ate week old pizza.  That was not a good choice.

 

Anyway, here is my list of advice to you.  It's not ordered in any particular way, just what came to thought at the time.

 

1. Take a finance class. Now.  Don't wait. You need to educate yourself on how to make money, spend money and save money.  The earlier you can do it, the better. It's imperative that you learn how to honor God with your resources, no matter the size or amount you make.  

 

2. Get an accountability partner or a mentor.  Find someone who is willing to pour into you, to give you guidance and wisdom.  You also need someone who you can be totally honest with and is willing to hold you accountable for your actions. You and temptation are no strangers, so it is crucial you find a person who is going to confront you and not let you hide behind secret struggles.

 

3. You won't marry Justin Timberlake.  Sorry, I know I said I wouldn't divulge any future secrets, but you might as well take the posters down in your room.  Not happening.  I hear your teenage heart crush a little bit. Okay, a lot a bit.  But trust me.  This is a good thing. :)

 

4. You don't know it all. And you can't fix it all.   So make sure you learn to have a teachable spirit.  And I mean learn because Kelli, I know you and humility is not your middle name. It's easy to believe at your age that you are going to change the world, and Kelli, I sure hope you do.  But you aren't going to change it by assuming you are the only one with the answer. Be bold, be passionate, but in all things, be humble.

 

5. Really learn to cultivate a heart of compassion.  This bit of advice really ties in with my previous thought, but quite frankly, the world needs less judges and more people who are willing to just be kind. You don't lean towards the compassion spectrum naturally, so you are going to need to work at this trait, too.  Have absolutes, and make sure you know what is truth, but spend time loving people.  

 

6. Spend as much time with God as possible.  Wow.  Can you please highlight, star, bold and underline that last statement. Nothing else will reap greater rewards.  The more you spend time with God and grow in your relationship with Him, the more you will learn He is trustworthy.  The next ten years you will experience joys, sorrows, triumphs and trials.  And nothing will help you navigate life's waters better than knowing the Creator of the Universe.  The Lord who made you.   

 

7. Be thankful in all things.  You will experience all kinds of delight and grief, but always learn to find pleasure and gratitude in the day to day.  It is the way to peace and contentment. Be thankful that God is going to ask you to partake in His Story.

 

8. Your plans won't all succeed.  And that's a good thing. Trust God's promises that His ways are not your ways.  Trust that He knows when you are disappointed, but He has a greater purpose for you and your life. 

 

9. Enjoy the fact that you can eat what you want when you want.  It won't last forever.  There will come a day when you actually just smell chocolate and your pants will hate you for it.  Relish your fried chicken sandwiches, 20oz Pepsi and three Otis Spunkmyer cookies for lunch.  Some good things must end.  This is one of them.

 

10. Devote time in people. One of the best investments you can make, besides learning about God, is in people. Yes, some will take advantage of you, some will never repay you what you gave them in conversation or in time of need.  But more importantly, invest in people because that's where Jesus' heart was and is.  He loved people deeply.  Make sure you do, too.

 

11. Be thankful for the people in your life right now.  They won't always be here.  Some will move, some will pass on, some relationships will just go their separate ways.  But always be thankful for the opportunity you had to know this person and the impact they made on your life. Honor those relationships by taking what you learned from that person and give it to the next person you meet.

 

12. Continue to enjoy life.  And laugh a lot. Stay up late and watch Dumb and Dumber just one more time. Be giggly and silly.  It's good for your soul to laugh :)

 

Kelli, one more thing before I end this letter.  Your life will be better than you could have imagined.  It will be difficult and overwhelming at times, it will be challenging.  But you will be better for it.  You will learn discipline, you will learn humility, and you will learn compassion.  So just trust that as you walk through times that are tough, because that's what life is good at, giving us difficulty, trust that God is capable of using those overwhelming times and making us more like Him.  That is if you let Him. You won't understand everything in life, heck, I still don't.  And I am you, ten years later.  But just trust God's word.  Circle His promises and hold Him to those in your most desperate times.  He will never leave you, nor forsake you.  His ways are not your ways. And that's something to be thankful for right there.

 

I hope I didn't write in some sort of cryptic, "vaguebooking" type of way.  If it makes you feel better, I wrote this advice done and wonder if my 39 year old self isn't saying some of this same information.

 

Look forward to the next ten years, it will be a life changing adventure!

 

Your 29 year old self.

 

 

An honest prayer.

It's been quiet around here for awhile.  I wish I could say the time has been relaxing and revitalizing, but as I reflect, I fear it's been more of a time where I have been in hiding. Instead of writing about some new peril of wisdom I've obtained, I find myself in a cave, just hiding.

Galen & I have really tried to pare back our schedule because we've been too busy.  We've reduced our hobbies, yet increased the quality time as a unit of four. In so many ways, I've secretly sought to make our time as an escape, or as a getaway from staying organized and responsibilities. I have wanted desperately to get away.

                                               

                                    From bills.

            From cancer.

                                                                        From appointments.

                                                                                                From life.

 

From our new reality.

 

I've wanted a reprieve.

I just want to feel free.

 

It's been tough this year.  Maybe you can relate, too. A cancer diagnosis and almost losing a child aren't pre-qualifiers either.  Life can beat a person up pretty easily these days. But in my effort to get away from life, in my attempt to take a break, I've made a wrong turn.  Somewhere along the way, I lied to myself.  I told myself that I could eat whatever I want because I deserved it.  I could choose easy because I deserve easy.  But in my effort to make my life easy, I found that it's tasteless, dull and I am completely numb. the words of Solomon could've been my own, " All that my eyes desired I did not refuse them. I did not withhold my heart from any pleasure, for my heart was pleased because of all my labor and this was my reward for all my labor. Thus I considered all my activities which my hands had done and the labor which I had exerted, and behold all was vanity and striving after wind and there was no profit under the sun" (Ecclesiastes 2:10-11).

 

When you are treading life's waters, it can get tiresome. As you start your head and shoulders above the waters surface, treading with rhythm.   But after a few waves, you slowly forget the pulse of life.  Instead of enjoying your time, your gasping for air, forgetting to breathe in and out, asking when you can catch your breath.   Before you know it the storm has passed, but you are found to no longer be treading water.  Finding yourself flat on your back and simply gliding a top the water. Looking like a jellyfish, it requires little effort to lie upon the water, and perhaps find yourself afraid to tread the waters again because you just have no fight left in you.  You have forgotten just how to tread the water.

 

And that's where I find myself.

 

I'm a jellyfish.  Between that thin layer that divides water and air is the place I am aimlessly floating, drifting without direction, while the waters of life casually brush my face without causing any harm, however, preventing me from living life fully. The water entraps me, only releasing enough of my body to gather the oxygen required to sustain my life. I feel trapped.  If I move, what will happen? The water feels stagnant as if I'm in a pond with no life giving source of fresh water.  Not only am I stuck, but I am slowly sinking.  I'm quietly drowning and no one knows it. I barely recongize it myself.

 

I've been discontent with my current state, however, I've lacked the gumption to do anything about it.  I have no desire to ripple the waters, dear God, I am done.  I'm weary, God.  I am tired.

 

But I continue to think I can fix this situation myself.  Yes, I'll be more motivated tomorrow.  Tomorrow it will be different, tomorrow I'll pull myself up and I'll get going again.  And before I can utter those words again, I see the evidence of my failure.  Perhaps I overindulged yet again or chose to watch TV instead of spend time in God's word.

 

I am a failure.

God, all I wanted was to be a woman of faith and prayer and I'm sitting here slowly dying.  I wanted to make you proud and all I'm doing is surviving.

 

God you made me to thrive and I'm barely making it. I've been sidelined and quite frankly, every time I think about change I fail.

 

Every Sunday I'm reminded of just how stuck I am.   Walking in to church has felt more like a routine and ritual then a desire to spend time worshipping my Jesus. Recently, the song by HIllsong United has touched my deadened nerve endings. 

 

Just read these lyrics.

 

I'm wide awake, drawing close, stirred by grace
And all my heart is yours
All fear removed, I breathe you in, I lean into
Your love, oh your love

Your love so deep, Is washing over me
Your face is all I seek, you are my everything
Jesus Christ, You are my one desire
Lord hear my only cry, to know you all my life

 

(Listen to it here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ffr0pGkXPJg)

 

It's at that moment, I feel emotion for the first time in a long time.  My deadened soul is revived and I do feel Jesus breathe into me.  Tears stream down my face in that dark room.  Tears that are more of a desperate plea than anything else. 

 

Jesus, I'm stuck, I don't even know how to clean myself up for you. I know I can't and that's the point of following you, you give me underserved grace. I've tried and I've failed.  Nothing satisfies me like you do and Lord I need you to break my out.   Lord, I haven't just taken one step backward, but it feels like I've fallen completely down the hill.  As these thoughts flood my heart, I feel God's grace pierce my soul.

 

He grips my heart, and without a hint of condemnation I hear whispers in my heart, "Kelli, I know.  Kelli, I love you.  Kelli, let me help you.  I want to help you."

 

And the tears continue to stream down my face. I'm experiencing grace unlimited. A shower pours from heaven and as I lift my face, I feel swept up in the underserved favor of my God.  It's moments like these I cannot describe the mercifulness that washes over my weary soul.  I find myself regaining strength because I'm drawing from the Rock.

 

And I feel again.

The numbness goes away.

 

I am reminded when I am in the presence of my Savior, worshipping Him, breathing a life of gratitude, spending time in my BIble, that is when I experience life and fullness.

 

And I don't know where I went wrong, but I know somewhere along the way I made the choice that this place could offer my soul rest instead of trusting in the one who created it.

 

So Lord, you know where I am.  Take me, make me and renew me.  I am desperate for you. 

 

Rescue me, Jesus.  You are the only one who can. And I'm trusting You will.

Let me tell you what I deserve.

Double stuff Oreos have had every reason to fear me this year. Until 2014,  I never would have said I was a stress eater, but the evidence is clear.  And I am looking at another insurance bill on the table and wonder how in the world are we still paying bills? "Our $$$$ deductible has got to have been met by now" I mutter under my breath.  At that moment I head for the kitchen and I feel the stress in my back build, the first sign of another tension headache coming.   Galen walks in the kitchen and says, "what happened here?"  "Must've been an animal or something or... I don't know what happened" half joking, half hoping Galen is too distracted and just drops the subject.  But the package lays there empty, crumbs scattered as a testament to their existence once.  An entire package of these indulgent cookies have been divulged by yours truly in two days time.

 

Actually, the hours that lay between the start and finish was less than 24. 

"It was me.  I did it"  I confess.  As if our two year old would be able to crawl up on the counter and get them himself.  Please, it takes him 20 minutes to eat a cookie. We both know it was me.  I write this being fully transparent, laughing, but also feeling guilty.

Admitting to this is like I am showing you the number on my scale.

 

Sigh. The worst part was, the Oreos were still in the Meijer bag I purchased them in.

 

In all fairness, it was a few days after we brought Boaz home from the ER.  And I begin to think  this year, if any, I have had every reason to consume a package of Oreos, or have no boundaries when it comes to food all without the judgment of others.  Amen? Because I deserve this don't I?  Don't I deserve some sort of temporal comfort?  Shouldn't I be able to enjoy the processed, sugar infused foods my country so easily specializes in without implication? Somehow this should offset the reality of Galen's cancer, its physical effects and its financial discomfort on my life.

Why should I deny myself this pacifier of pain, even if but for a moment I can forget the financial stress? To take a timeout from the constant battle of contentment?  To break from the war of what if's that wage against my mind?  Not only do I deserve this package of cookies, I should be able to consume each chocolate delight without any sort of ramification or judgment by any person and especially by my scale. 

 

"Uh oh, Mommy" and it's back to life and within an hour, Benaiah has had two accidents in his underwear.  But I must lay Bo down for a nap because his eyes hint at the sleepiness he feels.  In his bassinet he lays peacefully, I shut the door quietly behind, hearing the ticking of his sleeping monitors (yes, plural) and head to Benaiah's room to get him cleaned up and changed. Just as I step out of the room Bo starts screaming.

I want to scream.

For the love, can't SOMETHING be easy this year?

And like lava from a volcano, it all unleashes, unexpectedly and angrily. My mind is eager to list my complaints.

And at the top of my list is the fact my identity has been stolen. 

I'm not Kelli wife, mother, friend anymore.   I am Kelli, Chief Financial Officer of Rasler Inc.  I'm Kelli, Director of Operations.  I'm Kelli, Lead Researcher in "strange and unusual cancers in males who also happen to have a 5 month old baby who refuses to sleep during the night and two year old boys who are wanting to be potty trained".

 
I'm tired of having to keep track of Galen's PCR, FSH and WBC numbers and his doctor's appointments.
I'm tired of waiting for test results, more data collecting and phone calls.
I'm tired of making sure we are paying all our health insurance bills or just that they are being covered at all.
I'm tired of making sure our health insurance stays honest and we don't overpay.

I'm tired of Bo not sleeping through the night.

I'm just tired.

I just really want something to be easy. Something.  Anything. I just really want the rest of my life to go the way I want because very few things are going how I think they should right now.  And that last bit of self-pity is enough to send me to the kitchen to polish off something else. 

Because it's easy. And I deserve it.

I'm ignoring the fact my baby has woken up and Benaiah still needs changed as an effort to regroup. I look out the kitchen window and see the muffler to Galen's truck has fallen off.
 
For the.....

I.

Just.
Can't.
Even.
Handle.
It.

There goes another 6 Oreos.

I go clean up Benaiah and I soothe Boaz back to sleep. And the guilt sets in.  I consumed that food in an effort to pacify my stress.  Perhaps for a few seconds, I escaped my reality. But I walk away feeling guilty, knowing that food, drink or cookies don't bring me lasting comfort.

Knowing that it was all a trap.

Benaiah is cleaned up and quietly playing with his Elmo choo-choo and then I wonder.  What did Eden's forbidden fruit taste like? I bet it's the same stuff that's used in these Oreos. I walk away feeling empty.  Guilty.  Ashamed.  I knew better, but somehow I was hoping this time around it'd be different.  It wasn't.

And I finally see it.  I think I deserve everything.

In spite of all we are going through this year, I have battled a lot of fear and anxiety, but haven't been as mindful to how pride also can be bred in our tender situation.  How it's seeds are so easily sown in stressed soil.  And I am gripped by my latest realization...

I'm using my circumstances to justify my pride.

And it's disgusts me.

And just like eating food unnecessarily, I find my complaining to not bring my satisfaction either.

There are people in this world who have suffered much greater than I.

I even know how to solve my problem, but I'd rather food satisfy me than the One who calls himself the bread of life.

 

I bet I sound a lot like the Israelites on the way to the Promised Land who when were walking in the desert had nothing to eat.
Mind you this isn't a nice comparison, by the way.
Moses prayed and the Lord provided manna (bread from heaven that the Israelites literally called it "what is it?") and quail for them to eat every day.    

The Israelites complained. 

And complained. 
And complained. 
And then they grumbled.

They actually told God that it was better for them to be back in Egypt (where they seemed to have forgotten about the oppressive slavery they lived under).  I think you are treading on dangerous territory when you are telling God that what He is providing for you isn't good enough, especially when it's funneled out of an ungrateful heart. 

The Lord provided the Israelites with manna and quail every day.  No Israelite could save enough for the next day.  It would rot.  (Unless it was Saturday, God allowed that they would be able to gather enough for two days as so not to break the Sabbath).

Every day, God's rescued people had to wait for Him to provide their daily needs.  They couldn't stock up.  Every day they had to have a hunger in their belly. And every day God provided for them, satisfying their hunger, and building their faith.  And I bet when they ate their manna, they didn't feel guilty afterwards. 

And it reminds me of a verse in Proverbs, "There are two things, Lord, I want you to do for me before I die: Make me absolutely honest and don't let me be too poor or too rich.  Give me just what I need.  If I have too much to eat, I might forget about you; if I don't have enough, I might steal and disgrace your name" (7-9).

Yep.  There you have it. Lord, give me just what I need.  And help my cravings to be for You, knowing it's Your Word that satisfies my soul.  I experience it every time I do my devotions. Unlike my stress eating, every single time I walk away with spending time in Your Word or in prayer, I have NEVER once regretted it. 

Ever.

Instead I have found peace, passion and a sense of direction.  In fact, my favorite time of the week is when I spend an hour in prayer at our church.  That hour alone transforms me.  It calms me.  It does what no food, wine, Facebook, or TV show can do. It satisfies the inner parts of my soul because I have been in communication with my Creator.

So I look at my life and I have every reason to be grateful.  God has been with us through this entire year.  He has prepared our hearts, taken care of our finances, and allowed for necessary time off.  He has held me when all I could do was cry. Time and again, He has proven Himself trustworthy.

And on top of that, He is just good.

I feel good and resolved in my life. I call about the insurance bill that started this whole fiasco because it wasn't itemized only to find out it was a refund credited to our account. It wasn't a bill.

Counting today's sunshine as a blessing, I walk out to get today's mail.  In our box that morning was an anonymous gift that was the exact amount needed to cover one of our monthly expenses. 

A gift no one knew was needed, except God.

I walk back to my house, salty tears streaming over my lips.
I am humbled.

I really know not what I deserve.

When fear has a hold of me

My eyes are heavy again today.  Last night was rough, for no other reason than the simple fact Bo's sleep alarm went off 5 different times. That alarm, which pierces the drums of your ears, is capable of also being a dagger that pierces your heart.  Each time the alarm was set off, I woke up from a dead slumber, confused and terrified. "NO!  Not again, not this time" my mind screamed.  Bo ended up sleeping next to me in his bassinet and with each alarm sound, my arm darting out and reaching quickly for his chest. Up.  Down.   He was breathing every time, however, just a lot lighter. 

Sigh. I roll over.

False alarm.  But not a false fear.

Wow, it all comes back.

The images. 
The thoughts. 
The day. 
The pain. 

And the fear.

And knowing how divine the timing was last time I found Bo, I don't hesitate to rush to his aide.  But  this instance with the unfriendly accompaniment of a searing pain. 

The "what if" pain.

The questions begin and my heart is still racing.  Thanks, Jesus, he's okay.  But I'm tired and as I my hand rests on my little Boaz Graham's chest I see again what I saw nearly two weeks ago....

And I discern the fear that wishes to entrap me is near.  It's prowling and I hear its roars.  It circles my mind and tries to take residence in my heart.  I can feel the seeds of fear trying to plant themselves in my DNA of my soul.   Trying to find a place that it can nurture and grow. A heart that has recently experienced such searing pain and a mind that has seen life gone seems to be a fertile place for those horrors to germinate.  A heart that still is tenderly enduring the fact the love of my life, my high school sweetheart, has cancer. 

 

I hear its sneers, "Go ahead and rest.  See what happens when you aren't looking".

 Out of sheer exhaustion, I am able to fall back asleep every time. And this morning, Galen asks me how I slept.

 

"Not well."  Reaching for the medicine cabinet.  My head is throbbing.  It's a "lack of sleep" headache.  I have had one too many of those lately.   Galen reaches around, not saying anything more, and just hugs me. 

He knows. 

We make it to church this morning, but not after the usual running around, eating breakfast on the way, putting deodorant on IN the van, yelling at each other for not being prepared, stressed about this next week, wondering when we'll have time for this and for that. And we drop the boys off to their respective places of care and walk into our space of worship.  Got our seats, put down our Bibles and the leaders come out full force this morning with their worship playlist.

They came ready to usher in God's presence. A God who is ready to battle my fears.

It's a tune I quickly recognize and time evaporates and my soul quiets. My eyes fill with salted water.  I feel the room darken, yet my burden lighten and I am swept away to a restful place.

"Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name"

I can't even utter the words without streams of tears flowing from my eyes.  

"The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes"

 I raise my hands in agreement.  It's a new day, God, give me the peace to sing your song again.

"You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find"

As the song plays on, and I sing from memory,  I think about the time when we lost our first baby to a miscarriage.  And I remember being unexpectedly pregnant with Benaiah a year later. I recall being so afraid that my fear stole my joy and took the breath out of me.  Fear had me contained in a corner.  I refused to exude joy for the fear of experiencing that painful loss, again.  Out of desperation, I told God He could have me, but all I could give Him was my clinched fists.  That's all I had to offer.  I was angry.  I was hurt.  My heart was so sensitive to pain. I didn't want to face my fear, but as life was already growing in me, I had to.  And I as I gave God what I had, I felt Him say, "okay, I can work with this".

And I smile.  Because as vividly as I remember that day of surrender, I also recall the day Benaiah was born and I cried.  I wept.  Restoration had come to my heart.   It was closure for me.  It was peace.

That was a day my faith grew and it is a day that I bank on to get through the high waters of today.  The waves called cancer and uncertainty.

Fear is meant to rob you.  To steal your joy.  And I ponder how many times have I given fear the opportunity to do it?  To take my joy? How many times do I continue to feed my fears?  How many times do I continue to walk down the what if road?  How often I choose to sit and dine with thoughts that include losing my husband all too soon?  As long as I continue to feed my fears, they will always remain in my life.

I remember John 10:10, a verse that has been so readily on my mind this year, " The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." And as long as your fear keeps you paralyzed, it doesn't have to make your greatest trepidation come true.  And that's the purpose of fear.  To make you believe that life cannot be better.  To rob you of peace.  To constantly cause you to worry.   To never let you rest.  To try and back you in a corner and make you surrender your joy.  To suffocate you and to take your life. 

All these thoughts come to the forefront of my mind at the same moment these emotions are pouring over my lips and I can barely sing the words of this song.  I am so overcome with emotion and truth.  I felt I was literally crying out my fears before God. Not in a verbal way, but in a spiritual sense that only God can understand. And in the midst of worshipping, God steadied my heart. I felt the reinforcements in my heart go up.

"And I have come to give you life to the full"... And at this moment, I feel full.  I didn't ask for it.  But I am engulfed in it.  And it's no longer the fear that is taking me hostage, but it is the peace that is choking out my fear, my worries, and my anxieties.  Yes, my fear is depleting in the presence of my Almighty God and I feel tranquility.  Peace.  I can breathe.  I can feel the thief return my joy to me.  This stillness is forcing my fears to relinquish it's hold on me.  I can feel God plucking those seeds of terror right out of my heart.

My burden is lifting.

And I feel free.  

And I am reminded my Jesus is absolutely worth trusting.

And in the presence of Jesus, my fears don't stand a chance.

 

Amen.