When fear has a hold of me

My eyes are heavy again today.  Last night was rough, for no other reason than the simple fact Bo's sleep alarm went off 5 different times. That alarm, which pierces the drums of your ears, is capable of also being a dagger that pierces your heart.  Each time the alarm was set off, I woke up from a dead slumber, confused and terrified. "NO!  Not again, not this time" my mind screamed.  Bo ended up sleeping next to me in his bassinet and with each alarm sound, my arm darting out and reaching quickly for his chest. Up.  Down.   He was breathing every time, however, just a lot lighter. 

Sigh. I roll over.

False alarm.  But not a false fear.

Wow, it all comes back.

The images. 
The thoughts. 
The day. 
The pain. 

And the fear.

And knowing how divine the timing was last time I found Bo, I don't hesitate to rush to his aide.  But  this instance with the unfriendly accompaniment of a searing pain. 

The "what if" pain.

The questions begin and my heart is still racing.  Thanks, Jesus, he's okay.  But I'm tired and as I my hand rests on my little Boaz Graham's chest I see again what I saw nearly two weeks ago....

And I discern the fear that wishes to entrap me is near.  It's prowling and I hear its roars.  It circles my mind and tries to take residence in my heart.  I can feel the seeds of fear trying to plant themselves in my DNA of my soul.   Trying to find a place that it can nurture and grow. A heart that has recently experienced such searing pain and a mind that has seen life gone seems to be a fertile place for those horrors to germinate.  A heart that still is tenderly enduring the fact the love of my life, my high school sweetheart, has cancer. 

 

I hear its sneers, "Go ahead and rest.  See what happens when you aren't looking".

 Out of sheer exhaustion, I am able to fall back asleep every time. And this morning, Galen asks me how I slept.

 

"Not well."  Reaching for the medicine cabinet.  My head is throbbing.  It's a "lack of sleep" headache.  I have had one too many of those lately.   Galen reaches around, not saying anything more, and just hugs me. 

He knows. 

We make it to church this morning, but not after the usual running around, eating breakfast on the way, putting deodorant on IN the van, yelling at each other for not being prepared, stressed about this next week, wondering when we'll have time for this and for that. And we drop the boys off to their respective places of care and walk into our space of worship.  Got our seats, put down our Bibles and the leaders come out full force this morning with their worship playlist.

They came ready to usher in God's presence. A God who is ready to battle my fears.

It's a tune I quickly recognize and time evaporates and my soul quiets. My eyes fill with salted water.  I feel the room darken, yet my burden lighten and I am swept away to a restful place.

"Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name"

I can't even utter the words without streams of tears flowing from my eyes.  

"The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes"

 I raise my hands in agreement.  It's a new day, God, give me the peace to sing your song again.

"You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find"

As the song plays on, and I sing from memory,  I think about the time when we lost our first baby to a miscarriage.  And I remember being unexpectedly pregnant with Benaiah a year later. I recall being so afraid that my fear stole my joy and took the breath out of me.  Fear had me contained in a corner.  I refused to exude joy for the fear of experiencing that painful loss, again.  Out of desperation, I told God He could have me, but all I could give Him was my clinched fists.  That's all I had to offer.  I was angry.  I was hurt.  My heart was so sensitive to pain. I didn't want to face my fear, but as life was already growing in me, I had to.  And I as I gave God what I had, I felt Him say, "okay, I can work with this".

And I smile.  Because as vividly as I remember that day of surrender, I also recall the day Benaiah was born and I cried.  I wept.  Restoration had come to my heart.   It was closure for me.  It was peace.

That was a day my faith grew and it is a day that I bank on to get through the high waters of today.  The waves called cancer and uncertainty.

Fear is meant to rob you.  To steal your joy.  And I ponder how many times have I given fear the opportunity to do it?  To take my joy? How many times do I continue to feed my fears?  How many times do I continue to walk down the what if road?  How often I choose to sit and dine with thoughts that include losing my husband all too soon?  As long as I continue to feed my fears, they will always remain in my life.

I remember John 10:10, a verse that has been so readily on my mind this year, " The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." And as long as your fear keeps you paralyzed, it doesn't have to make your greatest trepidation come true.  And that's the purpose of fear.  To make you believe that life cannot be better.  To rob you of peace.  To constantly cause you to worry.   To never let you rest.  To try and back you in a corner and make you surrender your joy.  To suffocate you and to take your life. 

All these thoughts come to the forefront of my mind at the same moment these emotions are pouring over my lips and I can barely sing the words of this song.  I am so overcome with emotion and truth.  I felt I was literally crying out my fears before God. Not in a verbal way, but in a spiritual sense that only God can understand. And in the midst of worshipping, God steadied my heart. I felt the reinforcements in my heart go up.

"And I have come to give you life to the full"... And at this moment, I feel full.  I didn't ask for it.  But I am engulfed in it.  And it's no longer the fear that is taking me hostage, but it is the peace that is choking out my fear, my worries, and my anxieties.  Yes, my fear is depleting in the presence of my Almighty God and I feel tranquility.  Peace.  I can breathe.  I can feel the thief return my joy to me.  This stillness is forcing my fears to relinquish it's hold on me.  I can feel God plucking those seeds of terror right out of my heart.

My burden is lifting.

And I feel free.  

And I am reminded my Jesus is absolutely worth trusting.

And in the presence of Jesus, my fears don't stand a chance.

 

Amen.