An honest prayer.

It's been quiet around here for awhile.  I wish I could say the time has been relaxing and revitalizing, but as I reflect, I fear it's been more of a time where I have been in hiding. Instead of writing about some new peril of wisdom I've obtained, I find myself in a cave, just hiding.

Galen & I have really tried to pare back our schedule because we've been too busy.  We've reduced our hobbies, yet increased the quality time as a unit of four. In so many ways, I've secretly sought to make our time as an escape, or as a getaway from staying organized and responsibilities. I have wanted desperately to get away.

                                               

                                    From bills.

            From cancer.

                                                                        From appointments.

                                                                                                From life.

 

From our new reality.

 

I've wanted a reprieve.

I just want to feel free.

 

It's been tough this year.  Maybe you can relate, too. A cancer diagnosis and almost losing a child aren't pre-qualifiers either.  Life can beat a person up pretty easily these days. But in my effort to get away from life, in my attempt to take a break, I've made a wrong turn.  Somewhere along the way, I lied to myself.  I told myself that I could eat whatever I want because I deserved it.  I could choose easy because I deserve easy.  But in my effort to make my life easy, I found that it's tasteless, dull and I am completely numb. the words of Solomon could've been my own, " All that my eyes desired I did not refuse them. I did not withhold my heart from any pleasure, for my heart was pleased because of all my labor and this was my reward for all my labor. Thus I considered all my activities which my hands had done and the labor which I had exerted, and behold all was vanity and striving after wind and there was no profit under the sun" (Ecclesiastes 2:10-11).

 

When you are treading life's waters, it can get tiresome. As you start your head and shoulders above the waters surface, treading with rhythm.   But after a few waves, you slowly forget the pulse of life.  Instead of enjoying your time, your gasping for air, forgetting to breathe in and out, asking when you can catch your breath.   Before you know it the storm has passed, but you are found to no longer be treading water.  Finding yourself flat on your back and simply gliding a top the water. Looking like a jellyfish, it requires little effort to lie upon the water, and perhaps find yourself afraid to tread the waters again because you just have no fight left in you.  You have forgotten just how to tread the water.

 

And that's where I find myself.

 

I'm a jellyfish.  Between that thin layer that divides water and air is the place I am aimlessly floating, drifting without direction, while the waters of life casually brush my face without causing any harm, however, preventing me from living life fully. The water entraps me, only releasing enough of my body to gather the oxygen required to sustain my life. I feel trapped.  If I move, what will happen? The water feels stagnant as if I'm in a pond with no life giving source of fresh water.  Not only am I stuck, but I am slowly sinking.  I'm quietly drowning and no one knows it. I barely recongize it myself.

 

I've been discontent with my current state, however, I've lacked the gumption to do anything about it.  I have no desire to ripple the waters, dear God, I am done.  I'm weary, God.  I am tired.

 

But I continue to think I can fix this situation myself.  Yes, I'll be more motivated tomorrow.  Tomorrow it will be different, tomorrow I'll pull myself up and I'll get going again.  And before I can utter those words again, I see the evidence of my failure.  Perhaps I overindulged yet again or chose to watch TV instead of spend time in God's word.

 

I am a failure.

God, all I wanted was to be a woman of faith and prayer and I'm sitting here slowly dying.  I wanted to make you proud and all I'm doing is surviving.

 

God you made me to thrive and I'm barely making it. I've been sidelined and quite frankly, every time I think about change I fail.

 

Every Sunday I'm reminded of just how stuck I am.   Walking in to church has felt more like a routine and ritual then a desire to spend time worshipping my Jesus. Recently, the song by HIllsong United has touched my deadened nerve endings. 

 

Just read these lyrics.

 

I'm wide awake, drawing close, stirred by grace
And all my heart is yours
All fear removed, I breathe you in, I lean into
Your love, oh your love

Your love so deep, Is washing over me
Your face is all I seek, you are my everything
Jesus Christ, You are my one desire
Lord hear my only cry, to know you all my life

 

(Listen to it here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ffr0pGkXPJg)

 

It's at that moment, I feel emotion for the first time in a long time.  My deadened soul is revived and I do feel Jesus breathe into me.  Tears stream down my face in that dark room.  Tears that are more of a desperate plea than anything else. 

 

Jesus, I'm stuck, I don't even know how to clean myself up for you. I know I can't and that's the point of following you, you give me underserved grace. I've tried and I've failed.  Nothing satisfies me like you do and Lord I need you to break my out.   Lord, I haven't just taken one step backward, but it feels like I've fallen completely down the hill.  As these thoughts flood my heart, I feel God's grace pierce my soul.

 

He grips my heart, and without a hint of condemnation I hear whispers in my heart, "Kelli, I know.  Kelli, I love you.  Kelli, let me help you.  I want to help you."

 

And the tears continue to stream down my face. I'm experiencing grace unlimited. A shower pours from heaven and as I lift my face, I feel swept up in the underserved favor of my God.  It's moments like these I cannot describe the mercifulness that washes over my weary soul.  I find myself regaining strength because I'm drawing from the Rock.

 

And I feel again.

The numbness goes away.

 

I am reminded when I am in the presence of my Savior, worshipping Him, breathing a life of gratitude, spending time in my BIble, that is when I experience life and fullness.

 

And I don't know where I went wrong, but I know somewhere along the way I made the choice that this place could offer my soul rest instead of trusting in the one who created it.

 

So Lord, you know where I am.  Take me, make me and renew me.  I am desperate for you. 

 

Rescue me, Jesus.  You are the only one who can. And I'm trusting You will.