Let me tell you what I deserve.

Double stuff Oreos have had every reason to fear me this year. Until 2014,  I never would have said I was a stress eater, but the evidence is clear.  And I am looking at another insurance bill on the table and wonder how in the world are we still paying bills? "Our $$$$ deductible has got to have been met by now" I mutter under my breath.  At that moment I head for the kitchen and I feel the stress in my back build, the first sign of another tension headache coming.   Galen walks in the kitchen and says, "what happened here?"  "Must've been an animal or something or... I don't know what happened" half joking, half hoping Galen is too distracted and just drops the subject.  But the package lays there empty, crumbs scattered as a testament to their existence once.  An entire package of these indulgent cookies have been divulged by yours truly in two days time.

 

Actually, the hours that lay between the start and finish was less than 24. 

"It was me.  I did it"  I confess.  As if our two year old would be able to crawl up on the counter and get them himself.  Please, it takes him 20 minutes to eat a cookie. We both know it was me.  I write this being fully transparent, laughing, but also feeling guilty.

Admitting to this is like I am showing you the number on my scale.

 

Sigh. The worst part was, the Oreos were still in the Meijer bag I purchased them in.

 

In all fairness, it was a few days after we brought Boaz home from the ER.  And I begin to think  this year, if any, I have had every reason to consume a package of Oreos, or have no boundaries when it comes to food all without the judgment of others.  Amen? Because I deserve this don't I?  Don't I deserve some sort of temporal comfort?  Shouldn't I be able to enjoy the processed, sugar infused foods my country so easily specializes in without implication? Somehow this should offset the reality of Galen's cancer, its physical effects and its financial discomfort on my life.

Why should I deny myself this pacifier of pain, even if but for a moment I can forget the financial stress? To take a timeout from the constant battle of contentment?  To break from the war of what if's that wage against my mind?  Not only do I deserve this package of cookies, I should be able to consume each chocolate delight without any sort of ramification or judgment by any person and especially by my scale. 

 

"Uh oh, Mommy" and it's back to life and within an hour, Benaiah has had two accidents in his underwear.  But I must lay Bo down for a nap because his eyes hint at the sleepiness he feels.  In his bassinet he lays peacefully, I shut the door quietly behind, hearing the ticking of his sleeping monitors (yes, plural) and head to Benaiah's room to get him cleaned up and changed. Just as I step out of the room Bo starts screaming.

I want to scream.

For the love, can't SOMETHING be easy this year?

And like lava from a volcano, it all unleashes, unexpectedly and angrily. My mind is eager to list my complaints.

And at the top of my list is the fact my identity has been stolen. 

I'm not Kelli wife, mother, friend anymore.   I am Kelli, Chief Financial Officer of Rasler Inc.  I'm Kelli, Director of Operations.  I'm Kelli, Lead Researcher in "strange and unusual cancers in males who also happen to have a 5 month old baby who refuses to sleep during the night and two year old boys who are wanting to be potty trained".

 
I'm tired of having to keep track of Galen's PCR, FSH and WBC numbers and his doctor's appointments.
I'm tired of waiting for test results, more data collecting and phone calls.
I'm tired of making sure we are paying all our health insurance bills or just that they are being covered at all.
I'm tired of making sure our health insurance stays honest and we don't overpay.

I'm tired of Bo not sleeping through the night.

I'm just tired.

I just really want something to be easy. Something.  Anything. I just really want the rest of my life to go the way I want because very few things are going how I think they should right now.  And that last bit of self-pity is enough to send me to the kitchen to polish off something else. 

Because it's easy. And I deserve it.

I'm ignoring the fact my baby has woken up and Benaiah still needs changed as an effort to regroup. I look out the kitchen window and see the muffler to Galen's truck has fallen off.
 
For the.....

I.

Just.
Can't.
Even.
Handle.
It.

There goes another 6 Oreos.

I go clean up Benaiah and I soothe Boaz back to sleep. And the guilt sets in.  I consumed that food in an effort to pacify my stress.  Perhaps for a few seconds, I escaped my reality. But I walk away feeling guilty, knowing that food, drink or cookies don't bring me lasting comfort.

Knowing that it was all a trap.

Benaiah is cleaned up and quietly playing with his Elmo choo-choo and then I wonder.  What did Eden's forbidden fruit taste like? I bet it's the same stuff that's used in these Oreos. I walk away feeling empty.  Guilty.  Ashamed.  I knew better, but somehow I was hoping this time around it'd be different.  It wasn't.

And I finally see it.  I think I deserve everything.

In spite of all we are going through this year, I have battled a lot of fear and anxiety, but haven't been as mindful to how pride also can be bred in our tender situation.  How it's seeds are so easily sown in stressed soil.  And I am gripped by my latest realization...

I'm using my circumstances to justify my pride.

And it's disgusts me.

And just like eating food unnecessarily, I find my complaining to not bring my satisfaction either.

There are people in this world who have suffered much greater than I.

I even know how to solve my problem, but I'd rather food satisfy me than the One who calls himself the bread of life.

 

I bet I sound a lot like the Israelites on the way to the Promised Land who when were walking in the desert had nothing to eat.
Mind you this isn't a nice comparison, by the way.
Moses prayed and the Lord provided manna (bread from heaven that the Israelites literally called it "what is it?") and quail for them to eat every day.    

The Israelites complained. 

And complained. 
And complained. 
And then they grumbled.

They actually told God that it was better for them to be back in Egypt (where they seemed to have forgotten about the oppressive slavery they lived under).  I think you are treading on dangerous territory when you are telling God that what He is providing for you isn't good enough, especially when it's funneled out of an ungrateful heart. 

The Lord provided the Israelites with manna and quail every day.  No Israelite could save enough for the next day.  It would rot.  (Unless it was Saturday, God allowed that they would be able to gather enough for two days as so not to break the Sabbath).

Every day, God's rescued people had to wait for Him to provide their daily needs.  They couldn't stock up.  Every day they had to have a hunger in their belly. And every day God provided for them, satisfying their hunger, and building their faith.  And I bet when they ate their manna, they didn't feel guilty afterwards. 

And it reminds me of a verse in Proverbs, "There are two things, Lord, I want you to do for me before I die: Make me absolutely honest and don't let me be too poor or too rich.  Give me just what I need.  If I have too much to eat, I might forget about you; if I don't have enough, I might steal and disgrace your name" (7-9).

Yep.  There you have it. Lord, give me just what I need.  And help my cravings to be for You, knowing it's Your Word that satisfies my soul.  I experience it every time I do my devotions. Unlike my stress eating, every single time I walk away with spending time in Your Word or in prayer, I have NEVER once regretted it. 

Ever.

Instead I have found peace, passion and a sense of direction.  In fact, my favorite time of the week is when I spend an hour in prayer at our church.  That hour alone transforms me.  It calms me.  It does what no food, wine, Facebook, or TV show can do. It satisfies the inner parts of my soul because I have been in communication with my Creator.

So I look at my life and I have every reason to be grateful.  God has been with us through this entire year.  He has prepared our hearts, taken care of our finances, and allowed for necessary time off.  He has held me when all I could do was cry. Time and again, He has proven Himself trustworthy.

And on top of that, He is just good.

I feel good and resolved in my life. I call about the insurance bill that started this whole fiasco because it wasn't itemized only to find out it was a refund credited to our account. It wasn't a bill.

Counting today's sunshine as a blessing, I walk out to get today's mail.  In our box that morning was an anonymous gift that was the exact amount needed to cover one of our monthly expenses. 

A gift no one knew was needed, except God.

I walk back to my house, salty tears streaming over my lips.
I am humbled.

I really know not what I deserve.