April 10th, 2013
Dear Benaiah Grey,
It was a year ago that
your dad and I went out for our final dinner as a true family of 2. It's hard to believe it has been a year. The days have been long, but this year has been
far too short. I hold you and think how
much you have changed, but as I have been with you these past 365 days, I'm not
entirely sure when it was that you grew.
Maybe it was the few times I was actually doing the dishes or even
during the night, but clearly you have evolved from my baby into a little
boy. If you only knew of all the nights
I stood over your crib and watching you sleep peacefully, waiting to hear a
little sigh or see your chest rise and fall again.
Selfishly, I am a bit sad
about this first birthday. I already
realize that I only have 17 more years before we are talking about a high
school graduation and perhaps the opportunity for you to go to college or move
into the workforce. Since the moment I
had you to now, you've been slowly gaining your independence. But it's in those times, I'm thankful for the
fact you still lay your sweet curly head down on my shoulder, reach your arms
around my neck and twist your chubby little fingers in my hair. Despite the fact I am not a
"crier", I'll tear up in two seconds.
I know just how sweet this time is and try never to wish our time
together away. There will come a time
when you are more interested in your friends than me, and so I'll gladly take
your hugs and cuddles now.
From baby to boy, your
personality has surely come out. Your
wonder and curiosity for the world around you is intoxicating. Call me an addict, but I just love to watch
you see how the world works. You are a
nature lover. Banging the screen door in
the hopes I might just let you out. For you it is new, and it's fresh. Somehow
banging the picnic table is much more exciting the banging your toys in the
house. That's okay :) But once we make it back inside, I know I can
find you opening doors, eating whatever I haven't picked up off the floor, or
you finding your way to another mirror.
It's hard not to laugh when I see that you smile at yourself
frequently. Oh to know what you are
thinking! You love to laugh and
thoroughly enjoy life. Your smile is
contagious causing others to stop and return the gesture. By the way, your current girlfriend count is
higher than what I'm comfortable with :)
I'm reminded of the one time I brought you into school to sit with me
the last ten minutes. All my students
were supposed to be reading, but all the girls were staring at you! Ha, I
couldn't blame them though :)
As you've grown and
changed this year, so have I. You have
changed me. God has used you to make me
a better person. I thank God for how He has used you to teach me that I can
trust Him. I have to be honest, I was
scared for so many reasons to have a child again and yet God has taught me the
joy of motherhood (yes, joy, not easiness :).
You have also touched my heart in a way that has allowed me to express
more compassion, patience and love towards other people. Because of your tenderness towards me, I have
been able to pay that forward. Having the love I do for you, makes me also
realize the love my parents must have for me.
I didn't understand until I had you, that I don't and can't love my
parents they same way they must love me.
I am so grateful for them.
I didn't know it was
possible to care for someone the way I love you. My love for you is so much different than the
love I have for your dad. I love you in
a fierce kind of way; the kind that can bring tears to my eyes and often drop me
to my knees. I beg God to bless you, to
help you grow and to be astute. I plead
that the Lord would help you achieve everything in life that you have the
potential to be. Your dad and I have
prayed countless times over you, at least every night before you go to
bed. It's our desire that we raise you
God's way. We beg God to guard your
crib, your mind and your body. We ask
that God would put in your very soul a heart for widows, orphans and the
overlooked in our society. We have taken
God's Word and asked God that His Word would be evidenced in your life. We have fought for the spiritual foundation
of your life.
I wrote this prayer for
you over a year and a half ago, and my prayer it remains:
In a world that desires to tell you who you are
and who you should be, may you find yourself rooted in the truth that there is
a God who loves you and who created you.
In a world that desires to deceive, may you be
grounded in knowing the Truth.
In a world that exploits the lowly and mistreats
the “least of these”, may you be a man who fights and boldly stands up for
those people.
May you be a man who is more concerned about
living for the Lord then for living for the fleshly desires of our human
condition.
May you be the meaning of what a man is really
supposed to be and not what the world accepts as a cheap version of one.
While I pray that you can be bold and strong, I
pray that you will also have in your heart the qualities of grace, compassion
and mercy.
I pray that you'll be able to laugh at the days to
come, and that your heart will be full with the life that God has granted you.
And finally, I pray that just as Jesus did you
will grow in your relationship with the Lord, with men, in stature and in
wisdom.
Thank you for a year of
laughs, giggles, honking noses, tender touches, and daring discoveries. I'm so excited for all the memories we, as a
family, will make together in this new year.
With all my love, always
and forever,
Mommy