Right in the middle of the doctor's office....

I hate going to visit Galen's oncologist.

Everyone's nice, but it's depressing.  We are all there because something is wrong. The silence is stifling. It suffocates me. 

This is usually the time I pull out my iphone and open up the humor section of Pinterest. Ah, yes, a little laughter.

I read something on Pinterest that made me laugh.  Okay, I read a LOT of things on Pinterest that make me laugh.  But this one in particular got me going pretty good.  So good that I might have cackled.  That's Galen's term for  immature inability to have the slightest bit of compassion at another's expense... it might even be the kind of sneaky laugh that you're mother might smack you for because you laughed when somebody fell down the steps.  Or those really stupid memes that you snicker at because you're secretly giving an amen to its' message. 

Right? Someone out there, please agree with me.

And right now I'm really into the toddler tantrum humor.  Love "pinning" those stories!  Maybe you can understand, you've heard those stories, where the parent wants to throw away the finger nail clippings and the two year old loses it?  It was too funny.  Those are the stories I giggle uncontrollably at. 

I cackle. 

 

Anyway, I laugh, because I can relate.  Benaiah has done similar things which are too lengthy to put into words here.  But it's caught me so off guard, that I laughed.  Seriously, you are going to cry over throwing away toe nail clippings?!  The dog won't move and that's what puts you over the edge?? You dropped your Grover car on the floor and your day is ruined??

After I have wiped my "tears of joy" away,  that's when it hits me.  Right there in the middle of that stupid doctor's office.

I'm the same way. 

I am this child. 

No, I don't cry because my parents won't buy me the "Chucky" movie.  But it gets me thinking. I may not understand the travesty behind not being allowed to lick the dog, but I do understand the injustice of my 28 year old husband getting cancer.  Or my parents getting a divorce.  Or the loss of a baby. Or.....

You fill in the blank.

 

Whoa.  Too deep too fast? This is the way in which my mind has always worked.  Able to be teleported through the highs and lows of life all by a single light bulb moment.

 

And I begin to wonder, is this how I act towards God?  Let me clarify, this isn't a perfect analogy and I'm not God.  I may laugh at the toddler who hoards the toe nail clippings, who cries because he's not allowed to eat dog poop,  but God doesn't laugh at my struggles, fears or misunderstandings.  From the viewpoint of this child, not being able to hold all his Elmo train cars in his two little arms is just heartbreaking.  It's worth crying out and calling out, "Mommy".   Why?  I don't know exactly.  But I bet there is some sort of fear he senses, something he just doesn't get, some sort of injustice being played out right before his little eyes.  And I'm no longer making light of this situation, but instead my heart is flooded with compassion.

 

I have fears.

I have things I don't understand.

I see injustice happen right before my eyes.

 

But I also understand the illogical thinking behind keeping your brother's toe nail clippings.

 

And there I am, left to merge these two very different viewpoints.  My mind wages war trying to make sense of "it all".  For a toddler, I get these same feelings, I understand the confusion, I get the fear, but as a parent I see the irrational, illogical and, even at times, comical thinking.  That's reason number 489,487,908 why I wouldn't make a good god.  God doesn't laugh at our struggles, even if we don't understand them.  His compassion is so great, and so many times, I can feel Him say, "Kelli, I know you don't understand.  Just trust me.  I know this hurts.  Put your faith in Me.  I know you are angry.  It's okay, I'll hold you.   I know this isn't what you want.  Let me provide you peace."

 

Hebrews 4:15-16 says it this way, "For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore, let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."  Thankful for a promise like that. I have someone who understands my sufferings, my confusion and my frustrations. 

 

When I try to look at my situation through God's eyes, I tend to trust Him just a little bit more. However, the child in me is left wondering what this elusive, indefinable bigger picture looks like.  Can I be honest?  There are times I want to take a look.  I want to see.  I want God to give me understanding.  I tell God if you'd just show me, I'd trust you.  Really I would. But I hear Jesus' words say,  "blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." (John 20:29b).

 

And I like that verse, but I don't.  Something about waiting.  Something about having peace when I don't understand.  I don't like not understanding.  I don't like not knowing.  I don't like it.  And because I don't like it, it hurts my feelings. Maybe that's why I cry out, "God, God!  Why? Just why?"

 

So, God, what's the blessing for not being able to see and yet believing in Your plan? In Your "bigger picture"? 

 

It's peace.  It's hope.

 

It's a peace in the midst of my trials.

 

And it's hope of an eternity with Jesus.  Not hope as in a "I wish/let me cross my fingers".  It's a hope as an "I know and can't wait".

 

It's knowing there is an eternity where there won't be suffering.

No pain.

And no more tears.

(Revelation 21:4)

 

And this world is too painful to live without that kind of hope.  Amen?  And that hope only comes in one way, from one person.  My heart has never ached for heaven like it has until recently.  The day we got "that" phone call my heart just ached.  Please, don't misunderstand me, I am very thankful for the life God has given me.  I love so many tangible things and people I am blessed to call family and friends.  I have days that are filled with cup overflowing joy and knee slapping laughter.  But I rejoice that there is more than this life, which is also tainted with suffering and sometimes nights filled with tears.  I am thankful that after this life, there will be one where there won't be any cancer diagnosis, there won't be any hunger, and no more struggles to survive.

 

What is this life if this world was all we had? 

 

Thankful it doesn't have to be if we choose to follow Jesus.

 

 

Our next appointment

This Wednesday, Galen has his first appointment with his oncologist since starting his chemo treatment.  For the past 5 weeks, Galen's been taking his treatment and getting weekly blood draws.  It's allowed us time to just get away from the fire hydrant of information that we have been forced to swallow and just take information in as we've been able to.  I have found some accredited websites that are specific to Galen's rare cancer and I have been able to educate myself about research, his actual condition and responses to his treatment.  We are just now at the point, knowing what most of his side effects are, that we can look into some ways to alleviate them.  We are looking into diet changes and specific nutritional guidelines that may help the treatment behave better.

 

We already know from talking to the lab techs that his WBC is back in the normal range and his uric acid levels are also back to normal.  This is absolutely wonderful news, knowing his treatment is working.  However, it's only the first step in a LONG process to move towards any type of remission.  Once again, according to his oncologist, there is no current science to support taking Galen off his treatment ever, despite remission.  But we remain in prayer, believing otherwise and believing in complete healing.

 

So, I don't know what the doctor is going to want to talk about with us on Wednesday.  But we figure he is going to go over the results of his blood draws that we already know about.  I would just like some good news because I just really hate going there.

 

If you want to pray for us, here are some specific ways:

 

1.  Now that Galen's WBC is normal, we want it to stay that way.

2.  Pray that there will be no positive presence of the Philadelphia chromosome.  This is a long, long process.  So long that there are different "stages" of clearance.  For example, they'd say, "less than 35% of Galen's cells test positive for the Philadelphia chromosome".  So, we'd like to see a decrease and for it to eventually to be undetectable.  It will require a lot of tests along the way.   After this, there are still other things we need to pray for, but this is just the next step in regards to healing for Galen..

3.  We can get in quickly on Wednesday, the past two times, we've had to sit in the waiting room for an hour and a half.  We hate waiting... see my post about that ;)

4.  We can ask the right questions.  We are still learning and we are no experts, but we'd like wisdom and discernment to be asking proactive questions.

5.  That Galen's body wouldn't become resistant to the medication or develop a mutation that could prove harmful.

 

6.  God would continue to strengthen us as individuals and our marriage.  No, our marriage isn't in crisis, but cancer is a trial,  We don't want to be too proud to admit we could always use the extra prayers for us as this disease is challenging the both of us as individuals.

 

We continue to be humbled by all the prayers of support and words of encouragement.  We know there are more people than we realize thinking and praying for us.  We don't take that lightly or for granted.  God continues to guard our minds and grant us peace, we continue to be thankful for His provision.  Thanks to so many of you!  God is teaching both of us about Himself and about ourselves.  We are grateful for this time, which although is very trying, as it is building our faith and refining who we are.

 

We have so much to be thankful for!

Sick of waiting

Do you ever get sick of waiting?

 

I do. 

 

It's why I purposefully skip over saying patience as a fruit of the Spirit.  Usually, it goes like this... Lord, help me to bear love, joy, peace, _______________ (patience belongs there) kindness, goodness, gentleness and self-control.  As for patience, just give it to me please.  Not opportunities to become patient.  As I once heard a woman say, "ain't nobody got time for dat!"

 

You probably think I'm talking about cancer here.  And while yes, I'm sick of that situation and we are doing a lot of "hurry up and wait" with tests and Galen's chemo, God has granted us peace.  But like so many of you, we have a life to live in between the next test or appointment with the oncologist.  We have a little boy about to turn two, we have bills to pay, we have appointments to schedule, we have classes to go to, we have responsibilities to fulfill, we, like you, have a life to live.

 

While I want this cancer to go away, we have peace and rest.  But we are seemingly discovering just what our new normal is and back to life we go.  Back to paying bills and dreaming dreams. And while these dreams or wants haven't been disclosed in this blog, it gets exhausting to be asked to wait again.   Wait again, Lord?  No doubt, I find myself grateful for the peace I have in the midst of having to wait on whatever this leukemia means for our family.  But I'm just being honest, it's taking up the majority of my faith tank.  And so when I have other areas where God is saying not yet, or just wait I want to lose it. I want to scream.  I want to say, "No, Lord".   I don't have the patience to wait.  I just need you God to say yes to something.  And I need you to say yes to something I've asked for, please, because all this waiting is tiring and it's wearisome and it starts to feel really lonely.  

 

But sooner than I can finish typing these very words, I'm reminded how God has answered prayers before they were even prayed.  We didn't even have to pray about Galen's treatment being covered before we found out that it would be 100% covered.  It's at that moment, I hear my little Boaz cooing at me and as I look over, he's already looking in my direction beaming with his huge smile.  This reminds me how I don't have to worry about his weight or his health despite the fact he was a premie.

 

If this reveals anything to me, it's this: I am so human.  And I'm selfish.  And there are places in my heart that are ugly and self-seeking.  There are parts of me that refuse to be thankful. There are parts of me that are skeptical.  There are places in my being that question what God is holding out on me. There are parts of me that take my eyes off Jesus because of the allure of other "things". And there are parts of me that God still needs to refine. I hate myself for having these feelings of ingratitude. I hate the way discontentment leaves me feeling.

 

I have heard the phrase, "comparison is the great thief of joy".  And then I think about an enemy who relentlessly pursues to "steal, kill and destroy" (John 10:10) my joy, my life, my peace and my praise to God.  And if he could just get me to stop my adoration of God, that's exactly where he wants me to be. I know myself well and when I start writing out invitations to the "pity party hosted by Kelli" it is in that moment I realize I have taken my eyes off Jesus.  Yesterday in church, I struggled to worship because how can I sing when my heart isn't fully praising Jesus? I want my worship to be genuine.  And then "Forever" by Kari Jobe begins to play.  And her lyrics grip my soul and shake me from the inside out.

 

The moon and stars they wept

 The morning sun was dead

 The Savior of the world was fallen

 His body on the cross

 His blood poured out for us

 The weight of every curse was broken

 

One final breath He gave

 As Heaven looked away

 The Son of God was laid in darkness

 A battle in the grave

 The war on death was waged

 The power of hell forever broken

 

The ground began to shake

 The stone was rolled away

 His perfect love could not be overcome

 Now death where is your sting

 Our resurrected King has rendered you defeated

 

Forever, He is glorified

 Forever, He is lifted high

 Forever, He is risen

 He is alive

 He is alive

 

And as the words pour into my ears, my heart begins to soften and I find my eyes being lifted back to Jesus. I couldn't wipe the tears away fast enough as they streamed down my face. It's when my gaze is set upon Jesus that I find peace, that I stop looking around me, that I stop believing the lie that God is holding out on me. And maybe I can praise God through my husband's cancer, but can I praise Him through the rest of my life? 

 

And I feel challenged and opposed and I realize that the enemy is like a roaring lion, looking to devour me (1 Peter 5:8).  And if he can't get me stop praising Jesus in the midst of cancer, he won't give up and he will look for other ways for me to cast my gaze off of my Lord.  I hear the serpent say, if God really loved you, He wouldn't make you wait, He wouldn't ask you to trust Him in this, too.  And the enemy is so good at deceiving me and attempting to lure me away and to question the love my God has for me.

 

But as I recognize this struggle, this lie, I press back into Jesus. Humbly acknowledging He still has a lot of work to do in me.

 

I have mentioned in other posts that sometimes I like to define what a blessing is and what it isn't.  So many times I like to ask God to bless me in this way and only accepting an answer to my request as a blessing.  I am so good at telling God what to do.  I am so eager to let Him know just what would really bless me.  And I'm reminded of the verse in Isaiah that says, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD." (55:8). 

 

Help me, Jesus to keep my eyes on you.

When your faith doesn't change your circumstances...

Faith.

 

Really what's the purpose for it?

 

(My bag of mustard seeds)

Having faith and God's will don't always mesh together. And recently, I have wondered if they even have a relationship at all.   In the Bible, Matthew 17:20 talks about having the faith of a mustard seed and you can have the ability to move mountains.  If you haven't seen a mustard seed lately, it's so small and really easy to miss.  I know... I KNOW when praying for Galen's results to come back negative that I had at least the conviction of a mustard seed.  I'll even be so bold to say I had confidence bigger than that.  Maybe the size of a watermelon. So why didn't it change the outcome?  Faith can move mountains, but not change the diagnosis of cancer?

 

This is hard to describe because while I prayed for healing, believing in the power of God to repair Galen's chromosomes, I can truly rest in His will for allowing Galen and I to go through cancer.

 

But that being said, I wanted to know, why do I need faith if it doesn't change the outcome?  What does it matter really?  Why should I have faith?  I put myself out there and I don't regret being as bold as I was because I still believe in my God's power to heal.

 

But God why do You put verses in the Bible like Matthew 17:20?   Does it ever intersect with Your will?  Does a person's faith EVER change the outcome in our lives?

 

First of all, it takes a change of mindset.  My God is not my genie, a servant of mine, or some mystical object with powers that I own.  I don't have three wishes, and I don't go to Him demanding things be done.  And even if I did, it doesn't get me anywhere anyway.   My God is a father and anyone who is a parent knows that while parents love to bless their children, there are also necessary times to say no or not yet.  As a child, I remember feeling like my parents were holding out on me.  Wasn't that the first sin in this world anyway?  Eve was deceived by the serpent to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil because she believed God was holding out on her.  What a mess that caused.

 

Anyway, as a parent, I can see the bigger picture of why no is necessary.  No, you may not have another bowl of ice cream.  No, you may not stay out as late as you want.  No, you may not go to an unsupervised party. No seemed like the most unfair statement I'd ever heard and now as a parent, I am thankful for a lot of the no's I heard as it spared me from a lot of heartache.  And that temporary pain I experienced was nothing in comparison to a longer pain I could've felt had my parents allowed me to do whatever I wanted.  This isn't a blanket statement.  It doesn't fit every situation.  However, I do see the parallel and believe it's relevant to what I am going through right now.

 

I've said it already, but being a Christian doesn't exclude you from hardship, in fact the Bible talks frequently about finding joy in the midst of our pain, our trials, our disappointments, our bad news, and even our husband's diagnosis of cancer. Romans 5:3 -4 says, "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;

 

⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope." I won't speak for you, but this is very unnatural... we should glory in our sufferings? If you continue on in Romans you find this verse also, "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. " (8:18 NIV)  Our sufferings are not worth comparing to the glory we will get later?  What?!  Not going to lie.  That's tough.

 

 

 

My attempt during this whole time is to spend time in God's Word every day.  And as I read His Word, my heart is not only open to His Word, but I am biting at the bit to answer my question.  Why does faith matter?

And then in my devotional time, I come across the book of Hebrews which talks about men and women whose faith I greatly admire.   

³⁵ So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.

³⁶ You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. ³⁷ For,

“In just a little while,
    he who is coming will come
    and will not delay.”

³⁸ And,

“But my righteous one will live by faith.
    And I take no pleasure
    in the one who shrinks back.”

³⁹ But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved. (Hebrews 10:35-39).

Faith isn't about getting what I want, and it isn't about manipulating the Creator of the Universe into performing my desires.  Faith is believing in something greater than my circumstances.  Faith is saying there is hope even in the midst of my husband's cancer.  Faith is saying there is something greater than my biggest fear.  And if I have to choose between fear and faith, I'd rather CHOOSE faith.  And I chose faith because of the blessing that it comes with.

I read verses like Proverbs 16:20b where it says, "blessed is he who trusts in the LORD." 

 

So what is the blessing?  I'm guilty of wanting to call healing my blessing, when actually God may call blessing by the name of peace.  I am thankful for the tranquility that has filled my heart in these past few days and weeks.  I have an inner calm that I cannot explain.  It doesn't mean I like what we are going through, but I do not spend my nights playing the "what if" game.  I could go there, but I don't, because of the peace in my heart. 

 

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:7).

 

You have my permission to call me a bold faced liar if you thought I was holding this together on my own.  Because I am not.  A couple of weeks ago, my heart was so heavy, so burdened and so overwhelmed.  The day after we found out about Galen's cancer diagnosis, I have no better way to describe how I felt other than saying I felt like someone had run me over with a truck.  I wept and I wept some more.  I finally turned on some worship music. I didn't even have the strength to sing the words, but the powerful truths swept over me and the tears stopped.  For the entirety of the day, I had to have the music on because when I didn't, the tears and the heaviness returned.   It was a reminder that when I keep my eyes on Jesus, I won't be overwhelmed by the waves of worry and fear that tries to consume me.  John 10:10 says, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."  The fear is very real, but my God is greater than any fear I may face. 

 

So faith gives me peace, but there is also this part of me that says if I believe God raised Jesus from the dead, then why can't He heal my husband of this cancer? Well, He can.  Will He?  I honestly don't know.

 

But I feel called to continue to pray, believing that He will restore my husband's body.  A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about my call to pursue my fast even after we got confirmation that the biopsy was positive for chronic leukemia. After those ten days, and "that phone call" God didn't release me from fasting. I felt God ask me to change it in a couple of ways.  One alteration was for me to get up every morning to spend time in God's Word and to spend time in prayer.  While I continue to pray for Galen's healing and remind God that He has the power to do it, I don't believe that's my purpose for spending time with Him.  Mark Batterson, author of The Circlemaker, wrote it this way, "I learned we shouldn't seek answers as much as we seek God. We get over anxious. We try to microwave our own answers instead of trusting God's timing... If you seek answers, you won't find them, but if you seek God the answers will find you."

 

I don't know if God will choose to heal my husband.  But He can.  So in the meantime, while I wait, for however long He chooses, I will ask God to change me to be more like Him.  As I seek His face, may He change my heart. 

 

And lastly, what if this miracle is 100 days in the making?  Forty years in the making?  I can't give up now.  There is too much invested.  And like I said before, I'm going all in on Jesus because my return on investment, whether here on earth or when I get to heaven, is going to be more than I could fathom.

 

"Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him."  (James 1:12)

 

And I'm banking on it.