Right in the middle of the doctor's office....

I hate going to visit Galen's oncologist.

Everyone's nice, but it's depressing.  We are all there because something is wrong. The silence is stifling. It suffocates me. 

This is usually the time I pull out my iphone and open up the humor section of Pinterest. Ah, yes, a little laughter.

I read something on Pinterest that made me laugh.  Okay, I read a LOT of things on Pinterest that make me laugh.  But this one in particular got me going pretty good.  So good that I might have cackled.  That's Galen's term for  immature inability to have the slightest bit of compassion at another's expense... it might even be the kind of sneaky laugh that you're mother might smack you for because you laughed when somebody fell down the steps.  Or those really stupid memes that you snicker at because you're secretly giving an amen to its' message. 

Right? Someone out there, please agree with me.

And right now I'm really into the toddler tantrum humor.  Love "pinning" those stories!  Maybe you can understand, you've heard those stories, where the parent wants to throw away the finger nail clippings and the two year old loses it?  It was too funny.  Those are the stories I giggle uncontrollably at. 

I cackle. 

 

Anyway, I laugh, because I can relate.  Benaiah has done similar things which are too lengthy to put into words here.  But it's caught me so off guard, that I laughed.  Seriously, you are going to cry over throwing away toe nail clippings?!  The dog won't move and that's what puts you over the edge?? You dropped your Grover car on the floor and your day is ruined??

After I have wiped my "tears of joy" away,  that's when it hits me.  Right there in the middle of that stupid doctor's office.

I'm the same way. 

I am this child. 

No, I don't cry because my parents won't buy me the "Chucky" movie.  But it gets me thinking. I may not understand the travesty behind not being allowed to lick the dog, but I do understand the injustice of my 28 year old husband getting cancer.  Or my parents getting a divorce.  Or the loss of a baby. Or.....

You fill in the blank.

 

Whoa.  Too deep too fast? This is the way in which my mind has always worked.  Able to be teleported through the highs and lows of life all by a single light bulb moment.

 

And I begin to wonder, is this how I act towards God?  Let me clarify, this isn't a perfect analogy and I'm not God.  I may laugh at the toddler who hoards the toe nail clippings, who cries because he's not allowed to eat dog poop,  but God doesn't laugh at my struggles, fears or misunderstandings.  From the viewpoint of this child, not being able to hold all his Elmo train cars in his two little arms is just heartbreaking.  It's worth crying out and calling out, "Mommy".   Why?  I don't know exactly.  But I bet there is some sort of fear he senses, something he just doesn't get, some sort of injustice being played out right before his little eyes.  And I'm no longer making light of this situation, but instead my heart is flooded with compassion.

 

I have fears.

I have things I don't understand.

I see injustice happen right before my eyes.

 

But I also understand the illogical thinking behind keeping your brother's toe nail clippings.

 

And there I am, left to merge these two very different viewpoints.  My mind wages war trying to make sense of "it all".  For a toddler, I get these same feelings, I understand the confusion, I get the fear, but as a parent I see the irrational, illogical and, even at times, comical thinking.  That's reason number 489,487,908 why I wouldn't make a good god.  God doesn't laugh at our struggles, even if we don't understand them.  His compassion is so great, and so many times, I can feel Him say, "Kelli, I know you don't understand.  Just trust me.  I know this hurts.  Put your faith in Me.  I know you are angry.  It's okay, I'll hold you.   I know this isn't what you want.  Let me provide you peace."

 

Hebrews 4:15-16 says it this way, "For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore, let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."  Thankful for a promise like that. I have someone who understands my sufferings, my confusion and my frustrations. 

 

When I try to look at my situation through God's eyes, I tend to trust Him just a little bit more. However, the child in me is left wondering what this elusive, indefinable bigger picture looks like.  Can I be honest?  There are times I want to take a look.  I want to see.  I want God to give me understanding.  I tell God if you'd just show me, I'd trust you.  Really I would. But I hear Jesus' words say,  "blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." (John 20:29b).

 

And I like that verse, but I don't.  Something about waiting.  Something about having peace when I don't understand.  I don't like not understanding.  I don't like not knowing.  I don't like it.  And because I don't like it, it hurts my feelings. Maybe that's why I cry out, "God, God!  Why? Just why?"

 

So, God, what's the blessing for not being able to see and yet believing in Your plan? In Your "bigger picture"? 

 

It's peace.  It's hope.

 

It's a peace in the midst of my trials.

 

And it's hope of an eternity with Jesus.  Not hope as in a "I wish/let me cross my fingers".  It's a hope as an "I know and can't wait".

 

It's knowing there is an eternity where there won't be suffering.

No pain.

And no more tears.

(Revelation 21:4)

 

And this world is too painful to live without that kind of hope.  Amen?  And that hope only comes in one way, from one person.  My heart has never ached for heaven like it has until recently.  The day we got "that" phone call my heart just ached.  Please, don't misunderstand me, I am very thankful for the life God has given me.  I love so many tangible things and people I am blessed to call family and friends.  I have days that are filled with cup overflowing joy and knee slapping laughter.  But I rejoice that there is more than this life, which is also tainted with suffering and sometimes nights filled with tears.  I am thankful that after this life, there will be one where there won't be any cancer diagnosis, there won't be any hunger, and no more struggles to survive.

 

What is this life if this world was all we had? 

 

Thankful it doesn't have to be if we choose to follow Jesus.