Sick of waiting

Do you ever get sick of waiting?

 

I do. 

 

It's why I purposefully skip over saying patience as a fruit of the Spirit.  Usually, it goes like this... Lord, help me to bear love, joy, peace, _______________ (patience belongs there) kindness, goodness, gentleness and self-control.  As for patience, just give it to me please.  Not opportunities to become patient.  As I once heard a woman say, "ain't nobody got time for dat!"

 

You probably think I'm talking about cancer here.  And while yes, I'm sick of that situation and we are doing a lot of "hurry up and wait" with tests and Galen's chemo, God has granted us peace.  But like so many of you, we have a life to live in between the next test or appointment with the oncologist.  We have a little boy about to turn two, we have bills to pay, we have appointments to schedule, we have classes to go to, we have responsibilities to fulfill, we, like you, have a life to live.

 

While I want this cancer to go away, we have peace and rest.  But we are seemingly discovering just what our new normal is and back to life we go.  Back to paying bills and dreaming dreams. And while these dreams or wants haven't been disclosed in this blog, it gets exhausting to be asked to wait again.   Wait again, Lord?  No doubt, I find myself grateful for the peace I have in the midst of having to wait on whatever this leukemia means for our family.  But I'm just being honest, it's taking up the majority of my faith tank.  And so when I have other areas where God is saying not yet, or just wait I want to lose it. I want to scream.  I want to say, "No, Lord".   I don't have the patience to wait.  I just need you God to say yes to something.  And I need you to say yes to something I've asked for, please, because all this waiting is tiring and it's wearisome and it starts to feel really lonely.  

 

But sooner than I can finish typing these very words, I'm reminded how God has answered prayers before they were even prayed.  We didn't even have to pray about Galen's treatment being covered before we found out that it would be 100% covered.  It's at that moment, I hear my little Boaz cooing at me and as I look over, he's already looking in my direction beaming with his huge smile.  This reminds me how I don't have to worry about his weight or his health despite the fact he was a premie.

 

If this reveals anything to me, it's this: I am so human.  And I'm selfish.  And there are places in my heart that are ugly and self-seeking.  There are parts of me that refuse to be thankful. There are parts of me that are skeptical.  There are places in my being that question what God is holding out on me. There are parts of me that take my eyes off Jesus because of the allure of other "things". And there are parts of me that God still needs to refine. I hate myself for having these feelings of ingratitude. I hate the way discontentment leaves me feeling.

 

I have heard the phrase, "comparison is the great thief of joy".  And then I think about an enemy who relentlessly pursues to "steal, kill and destroy" (John 10:10) my joy, my life, my peace and my praise to God.  And if he could just get me to stop my adoration of God, that's exactly where he wants me to be. I know myself well and when I start writing out invitations to the "pity party hosted by Kelli" it is in that moment I realize I have taken my eyes off Jesus.  Yesterday in church, I struggled to worship because how can I sing when my heart isn't fully praising Jesus? I want my worship to be genuine.  And then "Forever" by Kari Jobe begins to play.  And her lyrics grip my soul and shake me from the inside out.

 

The moon and stars they wept

 The morning sun was dead

 The Savior of the world was fallen

 His body on the cross

 His blood poured out for us

 The weight of every curse was broken

 

One final breath He gave

 As Heaven looked away

 The Son of God was laid in darkness

 A battle in the grave

 The war on death was waged

 The power of hell forever broken

 

The ground began to shake

 The stone was rolled away

 His perfect love could not be overcome

 Now death where is your sting

 Our resurrected King has rendered you defeated

 

Forever, He is glorified

 Forever, He is lifted high

 Forever, He is risen

 He is alive

 He is alive

 

And as the words pour into my ears, my heart begins to soften and I find my eyes being lifted back to Jesus. I couldn't wipe the tears away fast enough as they streamed down my face. It's when my gaze is set upon Jesus that I find peace, that I stop looking around me, that I stop believing the lie that God is holding out on me. And maybe I can praise God through my husband's cancer, but can I praise Him through the rest of my life? 

 

And I feel challenged and opposed and I realize that the enemy is like a roaring lion, looking to devour me (1 Peter 5:8).  And if he can't get me stop praising Jesus in the midst of cancer, he won't give up and he will look for other ways for me to cast my gaze off of my Lord.  I hear the serpent say, if God really loved you, He wouldn't make you wait, He wouldn't ask you to trust Him in this, too.  And the enemy is so good at deceiving me and attempting to lure me away and to question the love my God has for me.

 

But as I recognize this struggle, this lie, I press back into Jesus. Humbly acknowledging He still has a lot of work to do in me.

 

I have mentioned in other posts that sometimes I like to define what a blessing is and what it isn't.  So many times I like to ask God to bless me in this way and only accepting an answer to my request as a blessing.  I am so good at telling God what to do.  I am so eager to let Him know just what would really bless me.  And I'm reminded of the verse in Isaiah that says, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD." (55:8). 

 

Help me, Jesus to keep my eyes on you.