It was only a matter of time....

... until I hurt myself.  And I'll admit it was probably by my own unexperienced, stubborn will that did it too. The last couple of weeks I didn't really work out - I was trying to get school over with and my best friend was getting married.  Those aren't complaints, but sometimes you want to get those other events crossed off your list before you decide to tackle something new.  I was tired and I just felt if I could get through the Civil War Day, the last test, turning in books, the bachelorette party and the wedding, then I could really take some quality time and focus on my exercise.

So last week I decided to go on a run, not even a long one.  And by the end I felt great, or so I thought.  I have no idea what had happened, I just know that by the time I reached my front porch steps my right knee felt uncomfortable and queasy.  I still haven't figured out if queasy is the right word to use, but it's just about the only word that seems to illustrate how my knee feels.  It felt like it could just give out at anytime.  There really wasn't any pain, although when I straighten my leg out it gets to be a bit painful.

The next day I decided to go on an even smaller run and I felt good.  I was fine and I was pushing myself and my time.  But by the last 1/2 mile that same queasy feeling quickly returned to my right knee.  Frustrated I came back home and took Ibuprofen. I decided to take the next couple days off (I was busy decorating and running around for the wedding anyway) and I'd see how it felt the following week.

That leaves me at today.  I was going to start out easy in my 3 mile run and just after a 1/2 mile I was done.  My knee told me "I don't think so" and so trying to have some wisdom, I listened.  I walked a little bit longer and then decided it would be better to turn around and come home.  It didn't take very long for me to start limping.  I have such a hard time discerning if I'm being a wimp or I'm being wise.  It was really humbling to have to walk the rest of the way home by neighbors who were out mowing their lawn and others who were on their way to work.  Whether they are judging me or not (most likely they probably didn't even notice me) there was nothing I could do to change my circumstance.

I'd be lying if I wrote that I wasn't discouraged or frustrated or even just mad at myself for taking a break for the past 3 weeks.  It's frustrating because I can tell I'm having a harder time already finding my rhythm in running and I'm needing to build up the mental strength yet again. But I can't change my circumstance and I can't ignore it by continuing to run in pain. My tenacity won't let me fall by the waste side.  I'll be back in it.  I am GOING to run this 1/2 marathon in September. It just means I'll have to be more focused and maybe a bit smarter when it comes to starting back up again.

Human

Human.  That's what I am through and through and would like to just be allowed to be human for a few brief moments.  Why did I decide to do this? How am I going to run 10 more miles??  Why is this still difficult? How come I wanted to give up today? How come my whole body hurt?  How COME THIS ISN'T EASY YET??!?!

Please don't feel compelled to text me the cliche if it was easy, everyone would be doing it.  I know that's true but that doesn't take away the reality that today was difficult and I have a case of "human".  I want luxury, I want to be this easy, I don't like pain!  But yet, I know that's what it takes to get to where I want to go.

I'm not even going to respond to my complaints - I already know - I just need to vent.

**That's about as far as I got when I got up to get a drink and Galen, my dear husband clicked out of the internet.  This was supposed to posted about 5 weeks ago.  WHOOPS :)