Have you ever sought an answer, a job, an alternative and after
all you did, you were told no?
Yeah, me, too.
All day I had been anxious.
My stomach was in knots waiting for the answer. Food had lost its taste, and I really lacked
focus. The previous 10 days I had been
able to be focused in prayer, and by God's grace, I wasn't trapped with
anxiety. But the time for the answer was
closing in and it was difficult to keep my thoughts focused any longer.
It was 3:45pm and I called Galen to see if he had heard any
news. He replied with the response, "The doctor was relieved to tell us
it's Chronic Mylogenous Leukemia and not Acute Mylogenous Leukemia." Tears burst over my eyelids like broken dams.
Relieved? I didn't want the lesser of
two evils. I didn't want cancer at all!!
I felt the pain of a stake break the glass of my heart. Its'
chards piercing deep into my lungs, preventing my body to do what its supposed
to do. It was at that moment I had to tell myself how to breathe because it was
no longer possible for me to do it without thinking.
Somehow though, in my own stubborn defiance to cancer, I
refused to give into such crushing news at that moment and let my voice quiver.
I would be brave.
I would be courageous.
I would not allow cancer to steal anything more of what it
already had set to do. With as much guts
as I could muster, I only uttered a few short words.
"Okay" I replied. "I'll see you when you get
home. I'll call your family." And so I had to switch roles to be the bearer
of bad news to inform a mother and a father and sisters that their son and
brother had the cancer we all prayed against.
But I couldn't do any more refusing to answer the "how are
you?" question. I couldn't go
there. I wouldn't go there.
Not yet anyway. Quite
frankly, I didn't know how I was. I
wasn't sure of my feelings. I didn't know how to answer this
"no". I was just trying to stand.
----.
But no? How no? Why
no?
I didn't feel angry.
Instead, when I relive so much of that moment, which is now a part of me,
I see the 5 year old version of myself.
The one with long brunette wavy hair, in her Sunday dress, fresh faced
and full of innocence. This girl was asking her daddy why the answer was
"no?" while peering down at the ground trying not to express the
extent of how much her heart hurt. It's
not that I wouldn't have my moments of rage, anger and lots of swearing because
I did, it was just at that moment, I didn't understand. I was so sad, so disappointed, so confused
because I didn't understand why my faith wasn't enough. Why my fasting wasn't enough. Or why my belief in God wasn't enough. I didn't know what I could have done more to
get God to say yes. I was perplexed and
as I cried out I could hear my Abba Father whisper in my ear, "I know
baby, I know you don't understand. I
know this doesn't make sense, but please just trust me." I felt Him wrap me up in His arms and sit me
on His lap. I felt the warmth of His
kiss on my cheek as He also wiped away the streams of tears. He knew I didn't understand, but his patience
and compassion for my broken heart was great.
So yeah, I've heard "no". And it sucks. To this day, I'm not exactly
sure why God allowed my husband to develop leukemia. I don't know that I see
the bigger picture always. I hate cancer
and I wish it was a tangible "thing" because I would cut it. I would throw it. I would pour out my anger all over it.
But over these last two years, He's taken that shattered
heart of mine and He is rebuilding it. He
has provided bills to the exact dollar amount.
He has given my husband one of the most caring, knowledgeable and compassionate oncologists. Somehow, by
God's grace, I have been able to share our story with countless others and more importantly about God's faithfulness. He has
replaced areas in my life where I lacked empathy and helped to give me more
compassion (although I still have an enormous way to go!) He even took a dream
that I had in college to speak to large groups of people and tell them why they
should trust Jesus and He allowed it to happen 3 times that year. He has given us both more boldness about our faith in Him. I have found
through this whole time, that even though I don't understand why, I am thankful
for the opportunity to grow in Him and to know the He is worth trusting.
Two years later and I am thankful for "no".
#TwoYearsAgo
#cancerSucks
#GodisGood
#ItsGoodToRemember
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