I am afraid

In my devotions this morning,  I was reminded about the need to pray about any ungodly fear in my life.  I tend to believe I am not an anxious or a fearful person.  I don't often find myself consumed about the potential what if's life may or may not have in store for me.

That is until about 2 years ago when Galen was diagnosed with an incurable cancer, I totaled our SUV and I had to give my 5 month old son, Boaz, life saving CPR.  My life was so frightening and incredibly overwhelming as the waters of terror fell upon me.  I was so consumed that I had no idea what was next.  And that was the most terrifying part of all.  I just didn't know what was waiting to crush me.  I didn't know what was finally going to be the last straw and break my spirit. And as long as we can be afraid of the future, we allow the enemy to rob of us life and joy (John 10:10).

But that was 730 days ago and my life has gone back to normal, hasn't it? Outward appearances may suggest that, but over the last few years I found I have to actively protect my mind against ungodly fright.  In part because I have experienced incredibly scary events in my life and ones that all happened in quick succession to each other.

It wasn't until we had Keziah late last Fall that I felt those fears begin to circle me again.  I didn't realize there was residue leftover from Bo's incident.  Over the last month and a half, Keziah has slept 8 - 10 hours (Praise God!!) but it has also haunted me.  There have been times in the middle of the night I have woken up out of sheer panic as if trepidation had me gripped by the neck. Without clear thoughts I quickly slam my hand on her belly to check for her life.  My chest hurts and my stomach aches as I slowly feel relief enter back in my body.  Thank God, not again.  It's a fearful thought to any parent, but especially to one who has seen and found their child blue, limp and lifeless before.

I go to our bathroom where I see Galen's medication laying on the counter and am tempted to wonder how long will it last? 

No, he is not in remission.  

No, he is not cured.  

No, he is not healed. 

And so I wonder how long will this treatment work until I'm told heartbreaking news again? My best friend's dad died of this SAME cancer.  How long do I have with him? And then there are the times I am driving and I'm overcome with the thought we are going to wreck our vehicle again only this time maybe I won't be so fortunate to bring my kids home with me.  

Fear has been attacking me like a roaring lion. 

I find myself in fear of a year from the pit of hell again. 

But with apprehension comes a CHOICE.  An option to succumb to those fears or a decision to live in the hope and freedom of Jesus Christ.  A decision to remember God's faithfulness and to trust in spite of my fears. But I can't fight these fears unless I put on the helmet of salvation where I guard my mind against such terrible thoughts.  Or if I don't pick up the Sword of the Spirit, God's Word, to counter the enemies lies.  Or if I do not praise the Creator for, well, everything.  That's how I prevent fear from encroaching on my life, something that locking doors, using baby monitors and driving the speed limit can't do.  Because you see doing all the "right" things doesn't prevent real tradegy from happening.  Even being a believer in Christ doesn't prevent us from trials, however, it's knowing He's got the whole world in His hands that gives me peace no matter the circumstance.  It's knowing there is more than this life to think about.  There will be a day when trials, tribulations, sadness, injustice will all disappear.  And my heart longs for that day when Jesus returns.

So today and every day I CHOOSE to battle with my fears with weapons of war and that will win.  I wage against these thoughts with Scripture and thanksgiving.  

Today my fear will not be given permission to permeate my mind.

Today my fears will be taken captive.  

Today my fears will find themselves answering to the Almighty God.

Today I will fight these fears with the truth of God's word.

When I am afraid, I am reminded to cast my cares on Him because He does care for me. (1 Peter 5:6 -7)

When my heart is faint, He is my God and will strengthen me. (Isaiah 41:10)

When I pray and ask God He will provide peace to guard my heart and mind (Philippians 4:6-7)

If I experience my worst fear, I know He will never leave me nor forsake me. ( Deuteronomy 31:6)

and my favorite one, the verse I recite often aloud in my home is a deep meaningful, descriptive passage in which I love:

Even when I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I don't have to be afraid because my God is with me and will bring me comfort (Psalm 23:4)

These promises don't guarantee that I won't see my fears come true, but they give me hope that I am not alone, and that no matter the outcome my Jesus is in control.  And it's at that moment, after my heart experiences relief as I have again checked on Keziah, that I remember why we named her that.  Keziah was a gift to Job after he experienced his own hell.  

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

    because the Lord has anointed me

    to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

    to proclaim freedom for the captives

    and release from darkness for the prisoners,

2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor

    and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

3     and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

    instead of ashes,

the oil of joy

    instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

    instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

    a planting of the Lord

    for the display of his splendor."

Ashes for beauty, friends.  Ashes for beauty.