A mid August Sunday morning, that would be less than 24 hours from when I returned home from Thailand & Cambodia, the two pink lines of a pregnancy test turned my world upside down. My myriad of emotions was quickly solidified into two simple emotions. After I shared the news with Galen, he was ecstatic, overjoyed and almost squeaked, “We’re pregnant!?!” It was at that moment I felt my body go numb and completely paralyzed with fear. The next few days I was quiet and somber. Galen finally confronted me about my lack of emotion and joy and that’s when I broke down and just sobbed.
I cried, “I’m not ready, I’m just not ready for this. I wasn’t ready. We weren’t planning on this happening.” (Yes, we are no 2-0 for unplanned pregnancies). I bitterly wept expressing my fear of losing another child, I just couldn’t bear to have this happen again. I can’t go through what I went through, again. And my reality was, I could, I might have to, it may happen again. Many of you have had several miscarriages, and I just cannot imagine your pain. But just because I can’t imagine it doesn’t mean it wouldn’t happen to me. I am not exempt from the pain this world causes. And as I’m writing this, 13 weeks pregnant, I still realize this to be true.
For weeks, I was miserable, I was upset, I was angry, I was sad, and I was very afraid. I know what the Bible says about being afraid and I know God commands us to fear not. But I just broke down and said, “God, I need you to understand, if you were to take away my home, my job and my provisions, that would be so difficult, but I believe I could cling on to the fear not. (Of course, that is assuming a lot about myself). But the thought of losing another child, another life and having to go through the physical and emotional pain again – I just can’t do it. How can I not be afraid?”
I hope if you have struggled to get pregnant that you can bypass what seems to be my insensitivity or ungratefulness for a human life. This is what I started to hate about myself. How can I be angry, when so many others can’t get pregnant? This isn’t fair to me and it isn’t fair to them. But I just kept going back to God and saying it’s not that I don’t want children, God, I’m just not ready. I’m just not ready to do this again. By heart was torn and broken and I was in a very low place. I was angry that I was sleeping all the time. I was frustrated I had no energy to work out. And I outright despised the fact that I would have to change (or it be changed) my body and my figure. Don’t you realize I spent these past 6 months losing 27 lbs?! How dare I lose all this again in hopes that this child survives.
DO NOT STORE UP FOR YOURSELVES TREASURES ON EARTH, WHERE MOTH AND RUST DESTROY AND WHERE THIEVES CAN BREAK IN AND STEAL, BUT STORE UP FOR YOURSELVES TREASURES IN HEAVEN WHERE MOTH AND RUST DO NOT DESTROY AND WHERE THIEVES DO NOT BREAK IN AND STEAL. – MATTHEW 6:19-20
This verse can change your perspective on a lot of things. Is it more important to have something I can control and can’t take with me or to have a child that could impact this world for the Kingdom of God?
For days, and many days, I would complain to Galen, “Look, I’m getting fat. Look my hips have gotten huge. Look I have a pooch and it doesn’t even look like a baby!!!” I spent my time being angry everytime I looked in the mirror I found a reason to be upset. Probably a good 8 weeks later, I really realized exactly why I was so angry. The last time I gained weight I was depressed, I was at a low physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. God had been sustaining me, but I decided at the New Year it was time to heal. And so, in reality, I did it on my terms. I took control of my life. I joined Weight Watchers, bootcamp and rejoined my gym. 6-8 hour workouts were my weekly minimum. And I watched what I ate. And I lost 27 lbs. A size 6 was big on me. And even though I felt more accomplished, hey, I could do 10 -1 legged pushups now, I hadn’t healed. I had given God the terms on which I was to heal and hadn’t allowed Him to direct my healing. All I knew is I wanted to feel better about myself, I wanted to like myself again, and if I had any say, the sooner the better.
Lucky for me, God knows better than I do. I’m not going to say that’s why we got pregnant because this child was created for such a better purpose. But I certainly think God has wants to get a few birds with one stone, if you know what I mean. God made me face my fear. He confronted me. I couldn’t run away from this. I was stuck. And even if I wasn’t showing to the rest of the world, I was sleeping, barfing and feeling sick all the time. God didn’t let me get away from this fear at all. (Sound like Jonah and Nineveh? Yeah, thought so too). But here’s the thing, He didn’t ask me to confront it by myself, instead He asked me to surrender this paralyzing fear to Him. I wanted so many times to ask, “God, but what if?” And I would be hushed by His peace. I cannot say this easily or without tears welling up in my eyes, but it is my goal to live my life, in every season, whether empty arms or full ones, trusting in the hope of Jesus Christ.
Don’t worry I haven’t been sitting on this revelation long. It’s only about a week old.
But God is SO faithful. Through all my lows, God encouraged me and sustained my spirit. Call this selfish if you want, I don’t care, but I would have people come up and say, “Wow, Kelli, you’re looking great!” or “I can tell you look fit” or whatever phrase. At those times I could only say, thanks God. He knew this was painful, He knew it was hard and He didn’t leave me to fend for myself. Also, fortunately/unfortunately, I have been a sick dog. Nausea associated with 3 trips to the bathroom regularly (morning, noon, night, at school at home, wherever) and just ungodly tired. I was so happy/angry when my labs came back healthy. I wanted them to say my iron was low or my thyroid was underactive. I wanted them to give me something to help along the way. It is funny all these pregnancy problems were multi-purposed. 1) Couldn’t run away from my fear 2) Was a constant reminder that my baby was healthy. Ironic isn’t it?
I’ve had three doctors appointments and everyone I have been scared out of my mind. What if my thyroid is underactive? What if they don’t see the baby move? What if we don’t hear the baby’s heartbeat. Every time I would say, “Dear God, I can’t do this!” With sweaty palms and a racing heart I would hear the technician say, “and if you look right here you can see your little baby’s heart just beating away” or the doctor say, “listen closely, you can hear your baby’s heart beat steadily beating next to yours.” And every time walking away drenched in tears thanking God for this gift. This very very special gift. If you are reading this and have experienced more than one loss of a child, my heart grieves for you. Reading about other peoples stories of triumph sometimes felt like salt in the wound for me. I was happy they had healthy children, but that didn’t change my reality. If this is you, my heart is in pain thinking about this and I am just so so so sorry. I don’t understand why God has granted me this gift. But I will choose to be thankful in whatever situation, whether my arms are full or whether they are empty.
All this being said, I am excited and I am looking forward to having a child of my own. I’m looking forward to sharing this experience with my best friend, who by the way, will make an AWESOME dad. But for now, I’m taking everything in stride and just taking it in one day at a time. :)
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