Why not me?

Why not me?

This world is full of pain.

It is full of suffering.

People lose parents.

Parents lose children.

Jobs are lost.

Wars break out.

Diseases spread.

Children are exploited.

People are starving.

Couples experience infertility.

Injustice is prevalent.

It is broken.

And how I am thankful this world is not my home. After I die, I can look forward to an eternity with my Savior.  A place where there is no more pain and no more suffering.  So, my faith won't rest here, nor will it rest in humanity.  My faith is built upon the firm foundation of Jesus Christ.  My assurance comes from Jesus who was raised by God and conquered the grave.

And being a follower of Christ doesn't exempt me or any of us the pain this world so "graciously" gives.  And can I have a moment of honesty here?  I'd prefer to be exempted.  I'd prefer not to see suffering happen to anyone.  It's painful. It hurts. And I don't like it.  And I don't want it.

So we all experience pain and disappointments that come in many facets.  But I have Jesus.  And that means everything. The Lord promises me I won't walk through this all without His guiding hand. (Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil - Psalm 23). He promises me, If I allow Him to, to take my experience, my ashes, and make them into beautiful things (Isaiah 61:3). He promises to take what was meant to harm me and make good out of it (Genesis 50:20).

Quite frankly, I don't know what's going to happen.  I don't know if the Lord is going to heal Galen or if He will allow us to walk the road traveled by many called, "cancer".  But I do know anything I experience happens only because God has allowed me to walk through it.  He commands my destiny and there is NOTHING that can be brought upon me that He hasn't allowed.  And it's not because He thinks I'm strong enough to handle it.  That's the biggest lie out there.  I don't go through anything because God thinks I can handle it.... and neither do you.  I'm not supposed to be able to deal with any of this on my own.  It's in those moments I'm drowning in sorrow and being overcome in my fears when I rely on my Rock, Jesus to deliver me. And He does.  Every time.  He gives me peace and strength to continue to put one foot in front of the other as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death.  Him allowing me to walk this road, if He so chooses, mind you, doesn't diminish His Almighty Power.  He has the power to heal and to deliver.   I don't understand His Will and I don't think it's my place to try and understand the mind of the Creator of the Universe.  I can, however, ask for peace and be able to rest in His will, whatever that may be.

So, Lord, I ask three things from you, whatever your decision and whatever your will is, please answer these three things:

1) Don't leave me the same person I was - refine me and make me more like you.

2) Give me strength

3)Lord, get the glory. 

Give Me Jesus (Jeremy Camp)

In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise

Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus, 
Give me Jesus.

You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

When I am alone,
When I am alone, 
When I am alone,
Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus, 
Give me Jesus.

You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

When I come to die,
When I come to die,
When I come to die,
Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus, 
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus, 
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world, 
You can have all this world, 
Just give me Jesus.

You call me upon the waters

March 7th, 2014

I don't know what to think.  But I can tell you  I have never been pushed so hard in my faith than in this time.  Let me be clear, my faith will not be based on what God chooses to allow and what He doesn't.  A long time ago, I learned a hard lesson in asking God for something, praying about it, yet having the answer be no.  I didn't understand why God wouldn't say yes to something I earnestly prayed and why He "left me out to dry".  You see, it was the summer before my sophomore year of college and I had already taken out 16,000 dollars to go to Bethel my first year.  I had figured at that rate, I was never going to make any money.  I spent the summer asking God to fund school so I wouldn't have to take any more money out in student loans.  Well, that day came and went and I still had to sign for funds. 

 

I was under the impression that if I asked and believed enough, God would say yes.  Anyway, I spent the next three months "taking a break" from God knowing I was too angry to deal with the situation.  One person I was going to talk to was our pastor, but he was killed in a motorcycle accident the following week.  The next few months I just stayed quiet.  Not looking to rebel, but at a loss as what to think. Where was God?  What didn't I do right? Then the Lord spoke to me through a speaker in chapel and he told the story of Shadrach, Mesach and Abednego.   "16Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego replied to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to give you an answer concerning this matter. 17"If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. 18"But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up." (Daniel 3).

And I know there are people out there that are skeptical of the existence of God or His power.  But I can testify to what the Lord has done in my own life.  And I cannot deny those lessons.  I have learned that its not for me to necessarily try and understand why God says yes and why He says no.  It is my job to ask for God's healing touch and to be obedient even if the answer is no.  And the Lord has told me no in my life.  I had to pay for my college through loans, I lost a child, and my parents got a divorce.  I have experienced no.  But in the midst,  I have learned many lessons.  Through my student debt, God has taught me a lot about financial discipline and His provision.  In five years, we paid off 67,000 dollars of loans.  Through my miscarriage, I became more compassionate to those who experienced loss.   Through every instance, I have faced some sort of fear and been taught that I can trust that God can make beauty from ashes.  My faith grew in those situations, and its because of those times that I am CHOOSING to allow God to take me to my limit and beyond because I know what He is capable of doing. It is Jesus who carries me as I walk this hard road. 
 

You can say I am in denial if you want.  That I am refusing to accept the "truth" of what the doctors are saying.  I realize what they are saying.  They are saying my husband could have cancer.  They are saying, while this is treatable, it could progress.  It could get worse and it could take my husband's life.  I could be a widow. I could have two boys to raise on my own. I realize what COULD happen.

I do have a sense of reality.  And yet, I'm not going to hedge my bets.  I'm putting all the chips in the middle.  So, maybe you think instead of being in denial I look like a fool.

I probably do look foolish to you because:

#We are fasting from meats and sweets until we get negative results.

#We are praying specific prayers so God gets the glory.

#I am putting it out there that I am expecting God to heal my husband.

#Galen isn't taking any prescriptions right now until something would be confirmed.

#The doctors are telling us that Galen's biopsy is 90% chance looking like chronic leukemia.

But nothing is confirmed.

Even if it was, God has brought people back from the dead.

You know, I bet Noah was called a fool and laughed at for building an ark for rain that had never existed.

How I'd love to have the faith of Noah.  A man who built an ark for 120 YEARS trusting what God said was true. And guess what?  The flood did come.

I'll tell you what is foolish and that's not believing in the God who has already brought me through troubled times.  Believing that He won't walk me through this awful time.  That He has forsaken me.  That He has left me.  Tearfully, I thank Him for this opportunity to grow in my faith.  I thank Him because I get to learn to trust Him more.  I trust Him for the years down the road when I will look back on this time and it will help me get through whatever else life throws at me.

I want to be like Noah.
I don't want to play it safe.
I am willing to look foolish for God.

I want to empty my faith bank account.
I am putting all my chips in.
But I do this because I believe I'm going to get one heck of a return on my investment whether here on Earth or when I finally meet Jesus.
  
So what do I need?
#I need your prayers.
#I need courage.
#I need God's Word.
#And I may even need a hug once in awhile.

#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#

OCeans (Where Feet May Fail) by Hillsong United
Verse #1
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown, where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep, my faith will stand

Chorus:
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours, and You are mine

Verse #2
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed, and You won't start now

Chorus:
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours, and You are mine

Bridge:
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior x 3

Ending:
I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours, and You are mine
I am Yours, and You are mine
I am Yours, and You are mine
I am Yours, and You are mine

 

 

 

A letter of reflection on your first 365

April 10th, 2013

 

Dear Benaiah Grey,

It was a year ago that your dad and I went out for our final dinner as a true family of 2.  It's hard to believe it has been a year.  The days have been long, but this year has been far too short.  I hold you and think how much you have changed, but as I have been with you these past 365 days, I'm not entirely sure when it was that you grew.  Maybe it was the few times I was actually doing the dishes or even during the night, but clearly you have evolved from my baby into a little boy.  If you only knew of all the nights I stood over your crib and watching you sleep peacefully, waiting to hear a little sigh or see your chest rise and fall again.

Selfishly, I am a bit sad about this first birthday.  I already realize that I only have 17 more years before we are talking about a high school graduation and perhaps the opportunity for you to go to college or move into the workforce.  Since the moment I had you to now, you've been slowly gaining your independence.  But it's in those times, I'm thankful for the fact you still lay your sweet curly head down on my shoulder, reach your arms around my neck and twist your chubby little fingers in my hair.  Despite the fact I am not a "crier", I'll tear up in two seconds.  I know just how sweet this time is and try never to wish our time together away.  There will come a time when you are more interested in your friends than me, and so I'll gladly take your hugs and cuddles now.

From baby to boy, your personality has surely come out.  Your wonder and curiosity for the world around you is intoxicating.  Call me an addict, but I just love to watch you see how the world works.  You are a nature lover.  Banging the screen door in the hopes I might just let you out. For you it is new, and it's fresh. Somehow banging the picnic table is much more exciting the banging your toys in the house.  That's okay :)  But once we make it back inside, I know I can find you opening doors, eating whatever I haven't picked up off the floor, or you finding your way to another mirror.  It's hard not to laugh when I see that you smile at yourself frequently.  Oh to know what you are thinking!  You love to laugh and thoroughly enjoy life.  Your smile is contagious causing others to stop and return the gesture.  By the way, your current girlfriend count is higher than what I'm comfortable with :)  I'm reminded of the one time I brought you into school to sit with me the last ten minutes.  All my students were supposed to be reading, but all the girls were staring at you! Ha, I couldn't blame them though :)

As you've grown and changed this year, so have I.  You have changed me.  God has used you to make me a better person. I thank God for how He has used you to teach me that I can trust Him.  I have to be honest, I was scared for so many reasons to have a child again and yet God has taught me the joy of motherhood (yes, joy, not easiness :).  You have also touched my heart in a way that has allowed me to express more compassion, patience and love towards other people.  Because of your tenderness towards me, I have been able to pay that forward. Having the love I do for you, makes me also realize the love my parents must have for me.  I didn't understand until I had you, that I don't and can't love my parents they same way they must love me.  I am so grateful for them.

I didn't know it was possible to care for someone the way I love you.  My love for you is so much different than the love I have for your dad.  I love you in a fierce kind of way; the kind that can bring tears to my eyes and often drop me to my knees.  I beg God to bless you, to help you grow and to be astute.  I plead that the Lord would help you achieve everything in life that you have the potential to be.  Your dad and I have prayed countless times over you, at least every night before you go to bed.  It's our desire that we raise you God's way.  We beg God to guard your crib, your mind and your body.  We ask that God would put in your very soul a heart for widows, orphans and the overlooked in our society.  We have taken God's Word and asked God that His Word would be evidenced in your life.  We have fought for the spiritual foundation of your life.

I wrote this prayer for you over a year and a half ago, and my prayer it remains:

In a world that desires to tell you who you are and who you should be, may you find yourself rooted in the truth that there is a God who loves you and who created you.

In a world that desires to deceive, may you be grounded in knowing the Truth.

In a world that exploits the lowly and mistreats the “least of these”, may you be a man who fights and boldly stands up for those people.

May you be a man who is more concerned about living for the Lord then for living for the fleshly desires of our human condition.

May you be the meaning of what a man is really supposed to be and not what the world accepts as a cheap version of one.

While I pray that you can be bold and strong, I pray that you will also have in your heart the qualities of grace, compassion and mercy.

I pray that you'll be able to laugh at the days to come, and that your heart will be full with the life that God has granted you.

And finally, I pray that just as Jesus did you will grow in your relationship with the Lord, with men, in stature and in wisdom.

Thank you for a year of laughs, giggles, honking noses, tender touches, and daring discoveries.  I'm so excited for all the memories we, as a family, will make together in this new year.

With all my love, always and forever,

Mommy

Thatta boy.

An excerpt of a two part letter to my son.  I don't share these letters very often, but I felt like sharing these.  It's been neat watching Benaiah's personality really shape and develop.  

Benaiah,

The past couple months have been a total blast with you.  I have absolutely loved every stage, but recently, you are too much fun.  You are pulling yourself up, crawling around and just flat out like to laugh.  I love how I see your little personality come out; and personality you have!  My favorite thing right now is you like to sit in your jumper, jump like crazy, and grab the straps and yell as loud as possible.  Love that no one taught you fight, drive or intensity.  For you that appears to be God - given :)  You also are so sweet, not a cuddler often, but when, and only when YOU choose, you will just lay your sweet little head on my shoulder.  It's in those moments, my heart melts a million times over.  You are the most chill, laidback baby I have ever met.  Not that I know many.  But you don't let a lot phase you.  People say you get that from your dad.  I'd agree.  Not that I can't be laid back, but your dad is definitely that by nature.  You have also developed a bit of bashfulness which in turn makes you all the more sweet.  You are curious, convinced, of course, that everyone's nose honks.  You are not shy, just so long as you find yourself in my arms, you are willing to be around a myriad of people and personalities.  You like to observe and watch others, but when in the right mood, you like to make others keenly aware of your presence.  You like to make others laugh.  Strike that.  Love.  You love to make others laugh and enjoy a round of laughter yourself.  You embody joy and light heartedness.  Half the time, you get a giggle out of me and start giggling yourself.  Many times that laugh turns into your head going back and not having a care in the world.  Maybe that's why I love spending so much time with you.  Things are simple.  I tickle you, play peek-a-boo and you laugh.  No, I would love spending time with you no matter what.  :)  You love books, especially edible ones.  You are going to smart.  I can already tell.  Yesterday, I taught you the "sign" for more and by the end of your dinner, you nailed it.  Thatta boy.  But smart or not, because you are mine, I will always love you and everything that you are.  

------------------------------
Benaiah, 
Tonight we had the opportunity to go visit Auntie Abbie's parents.  Her dad, Randy, is dealing with leukemia, so along with dinner, I brought them you.  It's amazing the joy a baby can bring, especially such a happy one like you.  Now I've known Randy and Karla for many years, but never have I seen Randy look the way he did tonight.  You could clearly see the side effects of cancer on his body.  While in my mind, I was hoping that wouldn't scare you, you showed no signs of fear.  In fact, when I brought you over to his bedside, I slowly introduced you to him.  Randy greeted you with a fist pump and that immediately brought a smile to your face.  Realizing he was friendly, you warmed up to him.  The sweetest thing happened when I set you by his bedside, you tightly clinging on to his rails (and loving it), Randy slipped his hand down beside yours and you grabbed his finger in a very curious manner.  I was so proud of you.  I know you don't know, but I pray that you keep that same desire to touch people when they are hurting, to share love when they need some joy.  I don't know that you'll ever have the privilege of meeting Randy, but tonight when we left, Randy said, "I love you, Benaiah".  And I thought what a difference you made in his day.  This was the first time you had met him, outside of your pictures on their refrigerator, he had never seen you.  But because of your fearlessness and willingness, you blessed another tonight.  So proud of you.  I pray that courage in you is never silenced.
Love you,
Mommy

{Heaven}

Do you ever stop to think about what heaven's going to be like?  I do, all the time. Okay, maybe not all the time, but more than you would think.  Funny how certain events in our life can cause our thoughts to be directed to eternity.  If you don't think about heaven because maybe you don't believe in it, I would ask you to at least be willing to ask yourself to really question what you think happens after we all die.  And be brave enough to confront your own opinions in order to discover the truth.

Anyway, today I had one of those moments.  That moment when something in me was brought to tears thinking of an eternal life with my God.  While in church, one of the worship sets was a song called 10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman.  It was something about the melody, the chords, the lyrics, or the moment that just catapulted my imagination into the throne room of Jesus.  Something about that song just washes a sense of peace over my soul. When I close my eyes, I envision Jesus at the center of a huge stadium filled with all the saints of history (and by saints here, I mean sinners who accepted Jesus into his/her life) surrounding the Lord and lifting up all our voices in praise. I see hands lifted high and people singing. Not singing like you would see in most churches, but almost like a reckless abandonment.  Nothing standing in the way of the worship, no shame or humiliation, no worry about being judged by others about how he/she sings, but a genuine outpouring of his/her heart.  The line that says, "sing like never before" is a tiny knife that cuts me open a bit and allows me to leave the worry behind and just praise the Lord.

I also sometimes think that after dying and before the saints reach Jesus that the song Hallelujah by Rufus Wainright (the song in Shrek Shrek's Hallelujah) will be playing.  Well, at least the song, not necessarily the lyrics, but just the chorus that repeats the words Hallelujah.  That song gets to me.  When I hear the chorus, it insights in me a spirit of praising God and maybe that's why it gets me thinking of heaven.  That's what we'll be doing, praising God for eternity!  This song sweeps peace over me.  It's an amazing concept really, start praising God and every thing else in my life doesn't seem to bother me.  Worries flee and fears run.  It's like I feel my heart heal.  And heal of what?  Heal of the all pain, sin and crappiness that is here on earth.  Healing from loss, disease and sickness.  It's the feeling of being reunited with ones who have passed on before me and being hugged by them.  It's finally seeing the Maker of the Universe and being welcomed home by Him and held tightly in His arms.  

Yes, Hallelujah.  Hallelujah!

Man, I long for that.  I long for healing. I long for heaven.

Evolution of a post baby lifestyle

I am wearing the same clothes I had on yesterday.  Not sure the last time I washed my hair. Speaking of hair, I should wash that, I have baby puke all up in it. Baby puke? Oh yeah, I should call it upchuck.  Benaiah didn't puke on me.  He upchucked, barfed, spewed... or whatever you want to call it... all. over. me.  And under me and on me. and whatever preposition you can think of.  Don't worry the couch got it, too.

But I still love him.

Workouts surprisingly still happen.  I know that's not the case for everyone.  But instead of finally deciding to get my butt up off the couch and turn off some infomercial because I realize that I really don't need another workout video or weight loss product, I realize baby just fell asleep time to TURBOJAM!

Anyway....

workouts they don't happen any time of the day that I finally decide to workout.  They happen as soon as that child of mine is fed, done burping with an occasional upchuck or whatever. I'm talking 6:30 am workouts.  I am not a morning person.  But since I no longer own my own time I do what I'm told when I'm told.

Dinner?  Oh yeah.

I have to start dinner sometime before lunch because with all the delightful interruptions throughout the day that's about the only way it will get done.  Maybe.  Or just maybe we will have ham sandwiches again.  Except we are out of ham, milk and cheese because I forgot them the last time I was at the grocery store.  We could go to the grocery today to pick them up today, but he just ate an hour ago that means he'll be getting hungry in about an hour and a half and that's when things get unpredictable.  Maybe he'll sleep, maybe he'll cry, maybe he'll be inconsolable.  Maybe another whacko will come up to me and want to touch him, or kiss him or hold him.  Good thing I have baby puke in my hair, and haven't showered in awhile, and maybe I put on deodarant in the last 24 hours, might keep the whackos away.   :) 

But, I'd rather order pizza.  Again.

It's 10:30 am and today is just getting exciting.  :)

My 2nd Mother's Day

Dear Baby Rasler,

Today was MOther's Day and my second one at that.  It was an interesting day.  I had a great time celebrating my mothers, but it was not a day that I was expecting.  Just when I thought I'd gotten to the core of my onion, I realized today a few more layers of it had to be peeled back.  Most people probably don't realize or have forgotten about you.  Many people think that your brother has probably completely healed this hurting mommy's heart.  While having your brother here has brought me joy, he hasn't replaced you.  In fact, there are parts of my pain that feel intensified because of his presence.  Don't misunderstand me, I love your little brother. I just can't get enough of him, but it's because of those feelings that make me hurt.  I never got those moments with you.

I never got to witness your birth, know if you were my little prince or princess, I don't even know your name.  I never got to see you smile, I didn't ever get the chance to study your face and your features.  I never got the chance to hug, and kiss and snuggle with you. I haven't heard the cries and whimpers, I haven't seen the lip quivers, and I haven't even heard all your precious little sounds. I never got to get up in the middle of the night because you needed to be fed, nor did I get to change a diaper of yours, I didn't get to get peed on, pooped on or puked on either. 

Realizing what I missed out with you has an interesting effect on my relationship with your brother.  I want to cherish every moment with him, I want to give him kisses everyday and at the very least I want him to know he is so incredibly loved.  But it makes it hard when I have to be away from him.  I feel like I'm missing out.  For the most part, I don't worry about people mishandling him, dropping him or not caring for him correctly, but I feel left out.  And when I feel that emotion, it reminds me that I have been left out of the chance to love on you here.  And it makes me not want to miss out on anything for your brother.  I have been trying not to take for granted what a blessing it is to raise this little life.  Crying or not.  Pooped on or clean, I know that what I hold in my arms in one of the greatest blessings I could receive from the Lord.  Knowing that fact, I don't want to miss out on the little things.  I don't want your brother nor you to think anyone else could love you both more besides Jesus himself.

Maybe some people here this and think I'm ridiculous.  Maybe some people read this and understand.   But I want you to know that I love you and the last thing I'd want is for you to think I forgot about you.  Your brother hasn't replaced you, his presence has only allowed for me to love you more. I hope you know tonight your daddy and I asked that Jesus would give you an extra hug from the two of us since we can't do that either.

You are loved sweet baby (even though now you'd be just over a year old, you'll always be my baby)

Love, Mommy