Thatta boy.

An excerpt of a two part letter to my son.  I don't share these letters very often, but I felt like sharing these.  It's been neat watching Benaiah's personality really shape and develop.  

Benaiah,

The past couple months have been a total blast with you.  I have absolutely loved every stage, but recently, you are too much fun.  You are pulling yourself up, crawling around and just flat out like to laugh.  I love how I see your little personality come out; and personality you have!  My favorite thing right now is you like to sit in your jumper, jump like crazy, and grab the straps and yell as loud as possible.  Love that no one taught you fight, drive or intensity.  For you that appears to be God - given :)  You also are so sweet, not a cuddler often, but when, and only when YOU choose, you will just lay your sweet little head on my shoulder.  It's in those moments, my heart melts a million times over.  You are the most chill, laidback baby I have ever met.  Not that I know many.  But you don't let a lot phase you.  People say you get that from your dad.  I'd agree.  Not that I can't be laid back, but your dad is definitely that by nature.  You have also developed a bit of bashfulness which in turn makes you all the more sweet.  You are curious, convinced, of course, that everyone's nose honks.  You are not shy, just so long as you find yourself in my arms, you are willing to be around a myriad of people and personalities.  You like to observe and watch others, but when in the right mood, you like to make others keenly aware of your presence.  You like to make others laugh.  Strike that.  Love.  You love to make others laugh and enjoy a round of laughter yourself.  You embody joy and light heartedness.  Half the time, you get a giggle out of me and start giggling yourself.  Many times that laugh turns into your head going back and not having a care in the world.  Maybe that's why I love spending so much time with you.  Things are simple.  I tickle you, play peek-a-boo and you laugh.  No, I would love spending time with you no matter what.  :)  You love books, especially edible ones.  You are going to smart.  I can already tell.  Yesterday, I taught you the "sign" for more and by the end of your dinner, you nailed it.  Thatta boy.  But smart or not, because you are mine, I will always love you and everything that you are.  

------------------------------
Benaiah, 
Tonight we had the opportunity to go visit Auntie Abbie's parents.  Her dad, Randy, is dealing with leukemia, so along with dinner, I brought them you.  It's amazing the joy a baby can bring, especially such a happy one like you.  Now I've known Randy and Karla for many years, but never have I seen Randy look the way he did tonight.  You could clearly see the side effects of cancer on his body.  While in my mind, I was hoping that wouldn't scare you, you showed no signs of fear.  In fact, when I brought you over to his bedside, I slowly introduced you to him.  Randy greeted you with a fist pump and that immediately brought a smile to your face.  Realizing he was friendly, you warmed up to him.  The sweetest thing happened when I set you by his bedside, you tightly clinging on to his rails (and loving it), Randy slipped his hand down beside yours and you grabbed his finger in a very curious manner.  I was so proud of you.  I know you don't know, but I pray that you keep that same desire to touch people when they are hurting, to share love when they need some joy.  I don't know that you'll ever have the privilege of meeting Randy, but tonight when we left, Randy said, "I love you, Benaiah".  And I thought what a difference you made in his day.  This was the first time you had met him, outside of your pictures on their refrigerator, he had never seen you.  But because of your fearlessness and willingness, you blessed another tonight.  So proud of you.  I pray that courage in you is never silenced.
Love you,
Mommy

{Heaven}

Do you ever stop to think about what heaven's going to be like?  I do, all the time. Okay, maybe not all the time, but more than you would think.  Funny how certain events in our life can cause our thoughts to be directed to eternity.  If you don't think about heaven because maybe you don't believe in it, I would ask you to at least be willing to ask yourself to really question what you think happens after we all die.  And be brave enough to confront your own opinions in order to discover the truth.

Anyway, today I had one of those moments.  That moment when something in me was brought to tears thinking of an eternal life with my God.  While in church, one of the worship sets was a song called 10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman.  It was something about the melody, the chords, the lyrics, or the moment that just catapulted my imagination into the throne room of Jesus.  Something about that song just washes a sense of peace over my soul. When I close my eyes, I envision Jesus at the center of a huge stadium filled with all the saints of history (and by saints here, I mean sinners who accepted Jesus into his/her life) surrounding the Lord and lifting up all our voices in praise. I see hands lifted high and people singing. Not singing like you would see in most churches, but almost like a reckless abandonment.  Nothing standing in the way of the worship, no shame or humiliation, no worry about being judged by others about how he/she sings, but a genuine outpouring of his/her heart.  The line that says, "sing like never before" is a tiny knife that cuts me open a bit and allows me to leave the worry behind and just praise the Lord.

I also sometimes think that after dying and before the saints reach Jesus that the song Hallelujah by Rufus Wainright (the song in Shrek Shrek's Hallelujah) will be playing.  Well, at least the song, not necessarily the lyrics, but just the chorus that repeats the words Hallelujah.  That song gets to me.  When I hear the chorus, it insights in me a spirit of praising God and maybe that's why it gets me thinking of heaven.  That's what we'll be doing, praising God for eternity!  This song sweeps peace over me.  It's an amazing concept really, start praising God and every thing else in my life doesn't seem to bother me.  Worries flee and fears run.  It's like I feel my heart heal.  And heal of what?  Heal of the all pain, sin and crappiness that is here on earth.  Healing from loss, disease and sickness.  It's the feeling of being reunited with ones who have passed on before me and being hugged by them.  It's finally seeing the Maker of the Universe and being welcomed home by Him and held tightly in His arms.  

Yes, Hallelujah.  Hallelujah!

Man, I long for that.  I long for healing. I long for heaven.

Evolution of a post baby lifestyle

I am wearing the same clothes I had on yesterday.  Not sure the last time I washed my hair. Speaking of hair, I should wash that, I have baby puke all up in it. Baby puke? Oh yeah, I should call it upchuck.  Benaiah didn't puke on me.  He upchucked, barfed, spewed... or whatever you want to call it... all. over. me.  And under me and on me. and whatever preposition you can think of.  Don't worry the couch got it, too.

But I still love him.

Workouts surprisingly still happen.  I know that's not the case for everyone.  But instead of finally deciding to get my butt up off the couch and turn off some infomercial because I realize that I really don't need another workout video or weight loss product, I realize baby just fell asleep time to TURBOJAM!

Anyway....

workouts they don't happen any time of the day that I finally decide to workout.  They happen as soon as that child of mine is fed, done burping with an occasional upchuck or whatever. I'm talking 6:30 am workouts.  I am not a morning person.  But since I no longer own my own time I do what I'm told when I'm told.

Dinner?  Oh yeah.

I have to start dinner sometime before lunch because with all the delightful interruptions throughout the day that's about the only way it will get done.  Maybe.  Or just maybe we will have ham sandwiches again.  Except we are out of ham, milk and cheese because I forgot them the last time I was at the grocery store.  We could go to the grocery today to pick them up today, but he just ate an hour ago that means he'll be getting hungry in about an hour and a half and that's when things get unpredictable.  Maybe he'll sleep, maybe he'll cry, maybe he'll be inconsolable.  Maybe another whacko will come up to me and want to touch him, or kiss him or hold him.  Good thing I have baby puke in my hair, and haven't showered in awhile, and maybe I put on deodarant in the last 24 hours, might keep the whackos away.   :) 

But, I'd rather order pizza.  Again.

It's 10:30 am and today is just getting exciting.  :)

My 2nd Mother's Day

Dear Baby Rasler,

Today was MOther's Day and my second one at that.  It was an interesting day.  I had a great time celebrating my mothers, but it was not a day that I was expecting.  Just when I thought I'd gotten to the core of my onion, I realized today a few more layers of it had to be peeled back.  Most people probably don't realize or have forgotten about you.  Many people think that your brother has probably completely healed this hurting mommy's heart.  While having your brother here has brought me joy, he hasn't replaced you.  In fact, there are parts of my pain that feel intensified because of his presence.  Don't misunderstand me, I love your little brother. I just can't get enough of him, but it's because of those feelings that make me hurt.  I never got those moments with you.

I never got to witness your birth, know if you were my little prince or princess, I don't even know your name.  I never got to see you smile, I didn't ever get the chance to study your face and your features.  I never got the chance to hug, and kiss and snuggle with you. I haven't heard the cries and whimpers, I haven't seen the lip quivers, and I haven't even heard all your precious little sounds. I never got to get up in the middle of the night because you needed to be fed, nor did I get to change a diaper of yours, I didn't get to get peed on, pooped on or puked on either. 

Realizing what I missed out with you has an interesting effect on my relationship with your brother.  I want to cherish every moment with him, I want to give him kisses everyday and at the very least I want him to know he is so incredibly loved.  But it makes it hard when I have to be away from him.  I feel like I'm missing out.  For the most part, I don't worry about people mishandling him, dropping him or not caring for him correctly, but I feel left out.  And when I feel that emotion, it reminds me that I have been left out of the chance to love on you here.  And it makes me not want to miss out on anything for your brother.  I have been trying not to take for granted what a blessing it is to raise this little life.  Crying or not.  Pooped on or clean, I know that what I hold in my arms in one of the greatest blessings I could receive from the Lord.  Knowing that fact, I don't want to miss out on the little things.  I don't want your brother nor you to think anyone else could love you both more besides Jesus himself.

Maybe some people here this and think I'm ridiculous.  Maybe some people read this and understand.   But I want you to know that I love you and the last thing I'd want is for you to think I forgot about you.  Your brother hasn't replaced you, his presence has only allowed for me to love you more. I hope you know tonight your daddy and I asked that Jesus would give you an extra hug from the two of us since we can't do that either.

You are loved sweet baby (even though now you'd be just over a year old, you'll always be my baby)

Love, Mommy

{sweet baby boy}

I can't be sure that I'll post many of these publicly, but I felt okay with doing it about this one.

Enjoy :)

December 4, 2011


Dear Baby Rasler,

Well, I’m sorry to say after 21 weeks this is my first letter that I’ve written to you. After losing your sibling the last time around, it has just been difficult to put myself out there again and risk the pain of putting out my emotions. But here’s the thing, I feel compelled to write to you because I want you to know what I’m thinking before you were even born. Isn’t that a crazy thought? You don’t even know you are alive, but yet, you have been an answered prayer for many, a blessing, and a sign of God’s redemption and have been prayed for daily. It’s got to feel weird to know that.

I sit here typing away with tears welling up in my eyes for so many reasons. One I’m so overwhelmed to know that I get to be your mom. That’s exciting and scary. The hard realization of responsibility that I (and your dad) have both been entrusted with is really sinking in. Somehow we have to raise you to be upright, to love the Lord, to love others, to be kind, to be bold, to be devoted and to stand against every evil in this world. That in itself is challenging, but then when you tie that in with the fact our world is constantly changing. You are not growing up in the world of your grandparents, nor even in the world of your parents, you are growing up in a world where it is even more wicked and unrighteous and by the day it’s getting worse.

But I believe you were born for this time and this generation. Your dad and I have so many hopes and dreams for you. But we focus on just a few. We pray you love the Lord with everything you have, that you love others, and that you are a strong/bold leader who will stand up against what is wrong and help direct people to the truth. I pray that you will be a fierce competitor for the things in life that matter. I pray that you will fight for what is right. I pray that as you begin school that you will stand against the pressures that exist and that you will make choices that will glorify the Lord. These are not my expectations, but the very prayer I pray for your life.

When I pray for you, I feel this burning passion in my soul to pray this way for you. I pray God’s favor will rest on your life. I pray that you will allow God to work through you to fight for His Kingdom. I can’t even begin to describe the feeling of my heart beating faster even as I type this to you. And along with those prayers I pray for you, I ask that God would be gracious in showing your dad and I, granting us wisdom, on how to instill those values in your life. Because outside of God’s grace – we won’t be able to do it!

I should let you know it was fun finding out that you were a boy, but it has given your dad and me a real desire to find the right name for you. It is so important and an amazing privilege to name another human life. I think the meanings of your dads name and my name and how we both in some ways, have really fit that direction. It is our desire to find a name that will be an inspiration and a reminder of who you are and who you were created to be.

In a world that desires to tell you who you are and who you should be, may you find yourself rooted in the truth that there is a God who loves you and who created you.

In a world that desires to deceive, may you be grounded in knowing the Truth.

In a world that exploits the lowly and mistreats the “least of these”, may you be a man who fights and boldly stands up for those people.

May you be a man who is more concerned about living for the Lord then for living for the fleshly desires of our human condition.

May you be the meaning of what a man is really supposed to be and not what the world accepts as a cheap version of one.

While I pray that you can be bold and strong, I pray that you will also have in your heart the qualities of grace, compassion and mercy.

And finally, I pray that just as Jesus did you will grow in your relationship with the Lord, with men, in stature in wisdom.

Know dear baby that I love you and I take this responsibility of being your mom seriously. Can’t wait to meet you… until then you are being prayed for daily.

Love you,

Mom

13 weeks, 2 days later...

These past few months have been trying in every way. We found out we were pregnant at week 4 and in case you didn’t know are at week 13. Like last time, we refrained from telling anyone until we had heard the heartbeat for ourselves. So our parents have only known a week longer than most of you.


A mid August Sunday morning, that would be less than 24 hours from when I returned home from Thailand & Cambodia, the two pink lines of a pregnancy test turned my world upside down. My myriad of emotions was quickly solidified into two simple emotions. After I shared the news with Galen, he was ecstatic, overjoyed and almost squeaked, “We’re pregnant!?!” It was at that moment I felt my body go numb and completely paralyzed with fear. The next few days I was quiet and somber. Galen finally confronted me about my lack of emotion and joy and that’s when I broke down and just sobbed.

I cried, “I’m not ready, I’m just not ready for this. I wasn’t ready. We weren’t planning on this happening.” (Yes, we are no 2-0 for unplanned pregnancies). I bitterly wept expressing my fear of losing another child, I just couldn’t bear to have this happen again. I can’t go through what I went through, again. And my reality was, I could, I might have to, it may happen again. Many of you have had several miscarriages, and I just cannot imagine your pain. But just because I can’t imagine it doesn’t mean it wouldn’t happen to me. I am not exempt from the pain this world causes. And as I’m writing this, 13 weeks pregnant, I still realize this to be true.

For weeks, I was miserable, I was upset, I was angry, I was sad, and I was very afraid. I know what the Bible says about being afraid and I know God commands us to fear not. But I just broke down and said, “God, I need you to understand, if you were to take away my home, my job and my provisions, that would be so difficult, but I believe I could cling on to the fear not. (Of course, that is assuming a lot about myself). But the thought of losing another child, another life and having to go through the physical and emotional pain again – I just can’t do it. How can I not be afraid?”

I hope if you have struggled to get pregnant that you can bypass what seems to be my insensitivity or ungratefulness for a human life. This is what I started to hate about myself. How can I be angry, when so many others can’t get pregnant? This isn’t fair to me and it isn’t fair to them. But I just kept going back to God and saying it’s not that I don’t want children, God, I’m just not ready. I’m just not ready to do this again. By heart was torn and broken and I was in a very low place. I was angry that I was sleeping all the time. I was frustrated I had no energy to work out. And I outright despised the fact that I would have to change (or it be changed) my body and my figure. Don’t you realize I spent these past 6 months losing 27 lbs?! How dare I lose all this again in hopes that this child survives.

DO NOT STORE UP FOR YOURSELVES TREASURES ON EARTH, WHERE MOTH AND RUST DESTROY AND WHERE THIEVES CAN BREAK IN AND STEAL, BUT STORE UP FOR YOURSELVES TREASURES IN HEAVEN WHERE MOTH AND RUST DO NOT DESTROY AND WHERE THIEVES DO NOT BREAK IN AND STEAL. – MATTHEW 6:19-20

This verse can change your perspective on a lot of things. Is it more important to have something I can control and can’t take with me or to have a child that could impact this world for the Kingdom of God?

For days, and many days, I would complain to Galen, “Look, I’m getting fat. Look my hips have gotten huge. Look I have a pooch and it doesn’t even look like a baby!!!” I spent my time being angry everytime I looked in the mirror I found a reason to be upset. Probably a good 8 weeks later, I really realized exactly why I was so angry. The last time I gained weight I was depressed, I was at a low physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. God had been sustaining me, but I decided at the New Year it was time to heal. And so, in reality, I did it on my terms. I took control of my life. I joined Weight Watchers, bootcamp and rejoined my gym. 6-8 hour workouts were my weekly minimum. And I watched what I ate. And I lost 27 lbs. A size 6 was big on me. And even though I felt more accomplished, hey, I could do 10 -1 legged pushups now, I hadn’t healed. I had given God the terms on which I was to heal and hadn’t allowed Him to direct my healing. All I knew is I wanted to feel better about myself, I wanted to like myself again, and if I had any say, the sooner the better.

Lucky for me, God knows better than I do. I’m not going to say that’s why we got pregnant because this child was created for such a better purpose. But I certainly think God has wants to get a few birds with one stone, if you know what I mean. God made me face my fear. He confronted me. I couldn’t run away from this. I was stuck. And even if I wasn’t showing to the rest of the world, I was sleeping, barfing and feeling sick all the time. God didn’t let me get away from this fear at all. (Sound like Jonah and Nineveh? Yeah, thought so too). But here’s the thing, He didn’t ask me to confront it by myself, instead He asked me to surrender this paralyzing fear to Him. I wanted so many times to ask, “God, but what if?” And I would be hushed by His peace. I cannot say this easily or without tears welling up in my eyes, but it is my goal to live my life, in every season, whether empty arms or full ones, trusting in the hope of Jesus Christ.

Don’t worry I haven’t been sitting on this revelation long. It’s only about a week old.

But God is SO faithful. Through all my lows, God encouraged me and sustained my spirit. Call this selfish if you want, I don’t care, but I would have people come up and say, “Wow, Kelli, you’re looking great!” or “I can tell you look fit” or whatever phrase. At those times I could only say, thanks God. He knew this was painful, He knew it was hard and He didn’t leave me to fend for myself. Also, fortunately/unfortunately, I have been a sick dog. Nausea associated with 3 trips to the bathroom regularly (morning, noon, night, at school at home, wherever) and just ungodly tired. I was so happy/angry when my labs came back healthy. I wanted them to say my iron was low or my thyroid was underactive. I wanted them to give me something to help along the way. It is funny all these pregnancy problems were multi-purposed. 1) Couldn’t run away from my fear 2) Was a constant reminder that my baby was healthy. Ironic isn’t it?

I’ve had three doctors appointments and everyone I have been scared out of my mind. What if my thyroid is underactive? What if they don’t see the baby move? What if we don’t hear the baby’s heartbeat. Every time I would say, “Dear God, I can’t do this!” With sweaty palms and a racing heart I would hear the technician say, “and if you look right here you can see your little baby’s heart just beating away” or the doctor say, “listen closely, you can hear your baby’s heart beat steadily beating next to yours.” And every time walking away drenched in tears thanking God for this gift. This very very special gift. If you are reading this and have experienced more than one loss of a child, my heart grieves for you. Reading about other peoples stories of triumph sometimes felt like salt in the wound for me. I was happy they had healthy children, but that didn’t change my reality. If this is you, my heart is in pain thinking about this and I am just so so so sorry. I don’t understand why God has granted me this gift. But I will choose to be thankful in whatever situation, whether my arms are full or whether they are empty.

All this being said, I am excited and I am looking forward to having a child of my own. I’m looking forward to sharing this experience with my best friend, who by the way, will make an AWESOME dad. But for now, I’m taking everything in stride and just taking it in one day at a time. :)

One year {365 days} later

Dear Baby Rasler,



It’s been nearly a year. Almost 365 days since I lost you. This has been by far, one of the hardest years of my life. You’ve been thought about every day since that terrible Friday evening. This year has been a year of anger, frustration, loneliness, and fear. I’m just being honest. I’m going through a year that is testing my faith in a very real way.


I think I’ve rested in the fact on the reasons you’ve left, but I’m still left with the fears of the future. The problem I have is the times I’ve been most vulnerable in my life have often times left me with the most pain. In secret, I wrote to you. In secret, I prayed over you. In secret, I dreamed of everything that God was going to have you be. And in secret, I lost you. Maybe some people don’t understand my pain. It was only a miscarriage they say, not like a child that grew up in your home. Ah, you’ll get pregnant again, they reply. But the difference is I gave you everything. My attention, my body, my focus, my prayers and my heart. And a broken heart takes awhile to mend. People expect you to get over and be “normal” again. That’s what they want from you. That’s what they need you to do.


I haven’t felt normal now, for about a year.


Nothing in me wants to experience what I did with you again. But the reality is that I’m no different than anyone else. I cannot be spared from pain just because I don’t like it. And I don’t like that. It took everything in me to recover from your loss. Anti-depressants, gym time, weight watchers, and especially spending time in the Word have helped me heal along the way. But I’m learning of the 4 listed, the first three are fleeting and the last one is only sustaining.


The thought of losing control scares me. Losing control of my emotions, my diet, and my waistline. The strangest thing though, when it comes to the Word of God, he says that the tighter we hold onto things, the easier they slip away. Besides the things of this world only pass away, but we are to store up for ourselves treasures where moth cannot destroy and where thieves cannot steal.

Maybe what I’ve uncovered in myself is idol worship. The idol of control. The idol of vanity. And it’s reared it’s ugly head in this last year. My loss has exposed my own shallowness. Ugh. But selfishly, egocentrically, I don’t want to go through all that again.


I have no answers or revelations to this problem. So I’m not a “super” Christian. But all I can ask for at this point in time is for God to help me.


Where I’ve placed other priorities above you, Lord, forgive me.
Where there is confusion, I pray for peace.
Where there is uncertainty, give me trust.
Where there is pain, grant me healing.
Where I’ve chosen to hold on, Lord, help me to put it all at the foot of your cross.
And lastly,
Lord, where there is fear, restore my sight with hope.