When I am afraid

Monday, when Galen called me and told me about the biopsy results, I felt like someone slapped me in the face and then punched me in the gut. I fell flat on my face.  And that was right before the First Steps lady arrived -**so happy she was 15 minutes early**.  Anyway,  I'm not going to lie, it's not what I was wanting to hear, nor was I expecting it.  And hello, as many hundreds of people were fervently praying for Galen's healing? What's up with that God?!  Didn't you hear the knock on heaven's door?  The way I heard some people pray, they might have disrupted the angels and saints singing!!

 

It's not that God's not able, but still when He tells us no or not now we can walk away feeling like our feelings got hurt.  Okay, maybe that's just me.

 

I have my moments. Real moments.  Human moments.  Faith moments.  Grateful moments.  Why-in-the-world-are-we-going-through-this-we're-only-28years-old moments. Monday was hard, but Tuesday was even more difficult.  There are so many unknowns.  Do I continue my fast?  I told God I'd fast until I got negative results.  Which, by the way, God, was that my fault for miscommunicating?  When I said negative, I didn't mean bad, I meant Galen wouldn't have any disease in his body.  I apologize if I didn't clarify that to you.

 

In the Bible, 1 Kings 18, the day after Elijah has it out, has an all out SHOWDOWN, with the prophets of Baal, he finds himself distressed and depressed and fearing for his life, while taking residence up in a cave. C'mon Elijah!!!  You just witnessed one of the greatest miracles... you challenged 400 idol worshipping prophets and you saw God come down in a MIGHTY way, yet now you are afraid? 

 

Okay, I won't judge because I get it.  Maybe not one of Elijah's better moments, but I think that story in the Bible is for me. You can see God perform some of the greatest miracles in your life, you can have the most intimate moments with the Lord, you can have a trust for Jesus like no other, but then wake up the next day unsure. You can find out your husband has been diagnosed with cancer and then it puts your faith to the test.  Some days are better than others.  I think that's part of being human. I trust God, but it doesn't mean I like going through deep waters.  But unlike, Elijah, I don't want to spend my time hiding out in a cave being overcome with fear. I REFUSE to be a cave dweller. So something's got to give.  As much as I hate pain, trials and stress, I so easily forget it's a great time for me to learn to press in to Jesus again. And oh, how He desires for me to do that. So instead of running away, I'm going to run straight to Jesus.  It's not the alternative, its the only choice I have.

 

I read this quote from Mark Batterson's book All In.  (And I'll warn you don't read unless you are ready to be seriously gut-checked and you need to read the Circlemaker first).

 

"We want joy without sacrifice.
We want character without suffering.
We want success without failure.
We want gain without pain.
We want a testimony without a test.
We want it all without going all for it.

But you don't get to know God by looking at Him from a distance. You have to hike the depths of His power and the heights of His holiness. You have to go rim to rim with God. And if you take a single Spirit-led step of faith in God's direction, spiritual adrenaline will surge through your veins once again."

 

Yeah, Mark, I 'd rather it be that way.  Selfishly I do.  But it doesn't get to happen that way.  I get it.

 

So Lord, here's the thing... I first want to say thank you for loving me and promising to walk through troubled times together.  I need your Hand during this time and quite frankly, God there may be days you need to scoop me up carry me all together.  I hope you are okay with that.

 

Tuesday, feeling overcome, I was desperate to stop the tears from streaming.   I put Pandora on, youtube on and just listened to worship music.  In case you don't know, the enemy hates hearing God get praise, especially in times like these.  I cannot describe the PEACE I had as I listened and the JOY that filled my soul.

 

Jesus, I don't know what my future looks like with this diagnosis.  I don't know the depth of the water that you are going to ask me to go through. I am going to still pray for healing in the meantime, though.  I'm not giving up and not done circling. I look forward to the day in which I can look at this moment and see how you walked us through.  How you carried us.  And I'm not going to wait til then to praise You.  God, I'm going to do it now. I am not saying this is easy, so don't bail on me, okay? I know you won't, but Lord, thank you for so many things.  Thank you for the opportuninty to grow.  Just don't let me be the same because of this, okay, Lord? Make me different, give me faith, & change my heart to be more like you.   And this experience is too painful, so please don't let it go to waste.  Make sure you get the glory for it ALL, Jesus.  I love you and thanks for loving me inspite of my "moments".

 

I love this song.  I feel empowered and raise my hands and pound my fists.  Its an anthem.  It's truth. It's what keeps me from going to the cave. Look it up here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JbvgOJl8H2c

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When I am afraid (Laura Hackett)

When I am afraid I will trust in You
When I'm overcome I will cling onto
The Rock that is higher, He's higher
The Rock that is higher

When I am afraid I will trust in You
When I'm overcome I will cling onto
The Rock that is higher, He's higher
The Rock that is higher

When my enemy's too strong for me
I don't know how to fight the fear
That comes against my heart and mind
I call upon the name of Christ

He's higher, He's higher
The Rock, He is higher

When I am afraid I will trust in You
When I'm overcome I will cling onto
The Rock that is higher, He's higher
The Rock that is higher

O When I am afraid I will trust in You
When I'm overcome I will cling onto
The Rock that is higher, He's higher
The Rock that is higher

When my enemy's surrounding me
He comes to steal my joy, my peace
I let go of my reasoning
And fall upon the Rock

That is higher, He's higher
The Rock, He is higher

O When I am afraid I will trust in You
When I'm overcome I will cling onto
The Rock that is higher, He's higher
The Rock that is higher

I will not build my life upon the passing sands
Of how I feel inside from one moment to the next
But I will love you Lord, my Rock, my God, my Strength
A precious cornerstone that floods of death could never shake

O For there is no peace of mind, outside of truth in Christ
For the fear is real and it's power can kill
But the stability of our times, the stability of our times
Will be the Rock, that is higher, He's higher,
The Rock He's is higher

O When I am afraid I will trust in You
When I'm overcome I will cling onto
The Rock that is higher, He's higher
The Rock that is higher