My 2nd Mother's Day

Dear Baby Rasler,

Today was MOther's Day and my second one at that.  It was an interesting day.  I had a great time celebrating my mothers, but it was not a day that I was expecting.  Just when I thought I'd gotten to the core of my onion, I realized today a few more layers of it had to be peeled back.  Most people probably don't realize or have forgotten about you.  Many people think that your brother has probably completely healed this hurting mommy's heart.  While having your brother here has brought me joy, he hasn't replaced you.  In fact, there are parts of my pain that feel intensified because of his presence.  Don't misunderstand me, I love your little brother. I just can't get enough of him, but it's because of those feelings that make me hurt.  I never got those moments with you.

I never got to witness your birth, know if you were my little prince or princess, I don't even know your name.  I never got to see you smile, I didn't ever get the chance to study your face and your features.  I never got the chance to hug, and kiss and snuggle with you. I haven't heard the cries and whimpers, I haven't seen the lip quivers, and I haven't even heard all your precious little sounds. I never got to get up in the middle of the night because you needed to be fed, nor did I get to change a diaper of yours, I didn't get to get peed on, pooped on or puked on either. 

Realizing what I missed out with you has an interesting effect on my relationship with your brother.  I want to cherish every moment with him, I want to give him kisses everyday and at the very least I want him to know he is so incredibly loved.  But it makes it hard when I have to be away from him.  I feel like I'm missing out.  For the most part, I don't worry about people mishandling him, dropping him or not caring for him correctly, but I feel left out.  And when I feel that emotion, it reminds me that I have been left out of the chance to love on you here.  And it makes me not want to miss out on anything for your brother.  I have been trying not to take for granted what a blessing it is to raise this little life.  Crying or not.  Pooped on or clean, I know that what I hold in my arms in one of the greatest blessings I could receive from the Lord.  Knowing that fact, I don't want to miss out on the little things.  I don't want your brother nor you to think anyone else could love you both more besides Jesus himself.

Maybe some people here this and think I'm ridiculous.  Maybe some people read this and understand.   But I want you to know that I love you and the last thing I'd want is for you to think I forgot about you.  Your brother hasn't replaced you, his presence has only allowed for me to love you more. I hope you know tonight your daddy and I asked that Jesus would give you an extra hug from the two of us since we can't do that either.

You are loved sweet baby (even though now you'd be just over a year old, you'll always be my baby)

Love, Mommy

{sweet baby boy}

I can't be sure that I'll post many of these publicly, but I felt okay with doing it about this one.

Enjoy :)

December 4, 2011


Dear Baby Rasler,

Well, I’m sorry to say after 21 weeks this is my first letter that I’ve written to you. After losing your sibling the last time around, it has just been difficult to put myself out there again and risk the pain of putting out my emotions. But here’s the thing, I feel compelled to write to you because I want you to know what I’m thinking before you were even born. Isn’t that a crazy thought? You don’t even know you are alive, but yet, you have been an answered prayer for many, a blessing, and a sign of God’s redemption and have been prayed for daily. It’s got to feel weird to know that.

I sit here typing away with tears welling up in my eyes for so many reasons. One I’m so overwhelmed to know that I get to be your mom. That’s exciting and scary. The hard realization of responsibility that I (and your dad) have both been entrusted with is really sinking in. Somehow we have to raise you to be upright, to love the Lord, to love others, to be kind, to be bold, to be devoted and to stand against every evil in this world. That in itself is challenging, but then when you tie that in with the fact our world is constantly changing. You are not growing up in the world of your grandparents, nor even in the world of your parents, you are growing up in a world where it is even more wicked and unrighteous and by the day it’s getting worse.

But I believe you were born for this time and this generation. Your dad and I have so many hopes and dreams for you. But we focus on just a few. We pray you love the Lord with everything you have, that you love others, and that you are a strong/bold leader who will stand up against what is wrong and help direct people to the truth. I pray that you will be a fierce competitor for the things in life that matter. I pray that you will fight for what is right. I pray that as you begin school that you will stand against the pressures that exist and that you will make choices that will glorify the Lord. These are not my expectations, but the very prayer I pray for your life.

When I pray for you, I feel this burning passion in my soul to pray this way for you. I pray God’s favor will rest on your life. I pray that you will allow God to work through you to fight for His Kingdom. I can’t even begin to describe the feeling of my heart beating faster even as I type this to you. And along with those prayers I pray for you, I ask that God would be gracious in showing your dad and I, granting us wisdom, on how to instill those values in your life. Because outside of God’s grace – we won’t be able to do it!

I should let you know it was fun finding out that you were a boy, but it has given your dad and me a real desire to find the right name for you. It is so important and an amazing privilege to name another human life. I think the meanings of your dads name and my name and how we both in some ways, have really fit that direction. It is our desire to find a name that will be an inspiration and a reminder of who you are and who you were created to be.

In a world that desires to tell you who you are and who you should be, may you find yourself rooted in the truth that there is a God who loves you and who created you.

In a world that desires to deceive, may you be grounded in knowing the Truth.

In a world that exploits the lowly and mistreats the “least of these”, may you be a man who fights and boldly stands up for those people.

May you be a man who is more concerned about living for the Lord then for living for the fleshly desires of our human condition.

May you be the meaning of what a man is really supposed to be and not what the world accepts as a cheap version of one.

While I pray that you can be bold and strong, I pray that you will also have in your heart the qualities of grace, compassion and mercy.

And finally, I pray that just as Jesus did you will grow in your relationship with the Lord, with men, in stature in wisdom.

Know dear baby that I love you and I take this responsibility of being your mom seriously. Can’t wait to meet you… until then you are being prayed for daily.

Love you,

Mom

13 weeks, 2 days later...

These past few months have been trying in every way. We found out we were pregnant at week 4 and in case you didn’t know are at week 13. Like last time, we refrained from telling anyone until we had heard the heartbeat for ourselves. So our parents have only known a week longer than most of you.


A mid August Sunday morning, that would be less than 24 hours from when I returned home from Thailand & Cambodia, the two pink lines of a pregnancy test turned my world upside down. My myriad of emotions was quickly solidified into two simple emotions. After I shared the news with Galen, he was ecstatic, overjoyed and almost squeaked, “We’re pregnant!?!” It was at that moment I felt my body go numb and completely paralyzed with fear. The next few days I was quiet and somber. Galen finally confronted me about my lack of emotion and joy and that’s when I broke down and just sobbed.

I cried, “I’m not ready, I’m just not ready for this. I wasn’t ready. We weren’t planning on this happening.” (Yes, we are no 2-0 for unplanned pregnancies). I bitterly wept expressing my fear of losing another child, I just couldn’t bear to have this happen again. I can’t go through what I went through, again. And my reality was, I could, I might have to, it may happen again. Many of you have had several miscarriages, and I just cannot imagine your pain. But just because I can’t imagine it doesn’t mean it wouldn’t happen to me. I am not exempt from the pain this world causes. And as I’m writing this, 13 weeks pregnant, I still realize this to be true.

For weeks, I was miserable, I was upset, I was angry, I was sad, and I was very afraid. I know what the Bible says about being afraid and I know God commands us to fear not. But I just broke down and said, “God, I need you to understand, if you were to take away my home, my job and my provisions, that would be so difficult, but I believe I could cling on to the fear not. (Of course, that is assuming a lot about myself). But the thought of losing another child, another life and having to go through the physical and emotional pain again – I just can’t do it. How can I not be afraid?”

I hope if you have struggled to get pregnant that you can bypass what seems to be my insensitivity or ungratefulness for a human life. This is what I started to hate about myself. How can I be angry, when so many others can’t get pregnant? This isn’t fair to me and it isn’t fair to them. But I just kept going back to God and saying it’s not that I don’t want children, God, I’m just not ready. I’m just not ready to do this again. By heart was torn and broken and I was in a very low place. I was angry that I was sleeping all the time. I was frustrated I had no energy to work out. And I outright despised the fact that I would have to change (or it be changed) my body and my figure. Don’t you realize I spent these past 6 months losing 27 lbs?! How dare I lose all this again in hopes that this child survives.

DO NOT STORE UP FOR YOURSELVES TREASURES ON EARTH, WHERE MOTH AND RUST DESTROY AND WHERE THIEVES CAN BREAK IN AND STEAL, BUT STORE UP FOR YOURSELVES TREASURES IN HEAVEN WHERE MOTH AND RUST DO NOT DESTROY AND WHERE THIEVES DO NOT BREAK IN AND STEAL. – MATTHEW 6:19-20

This verse can change your perspective on a lot of things. Is it more important to have something I can control and can’t take with me or to have a child that could impact this world for the Kingdom of God?

For days, and many days, I would complain to Galen, “Look, I’m getting fat. Look my hips have gotten huge. Look I have a pooch and it doesn’t even look like a baby!!!” I spent my time being angry everytime I looked in the mirror I found a reason to be upset. Probably a good 8 weeks later, I really realized exactly why I was so angry. The last time I gained weight I was depressed, I was at a low physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. God had been sustaining me, but I decided at the New Year it was time to heal. And so, in reality, I did it on my terms. I took control of my life. I joined Weight Watchers, bootcamp and rejoined my gym. 6-8 hour workouts were my weekly minimum. And I watched what I ate. And I lost 27 lbs. A size 6 was big on me. And even though I felt more accomplished, hey, I could do 10 -1 legged pushups now, I hadn’t healed. I had given God the terms on which I was to heal and hadn’t allowed Him to direct my healing. All I knew is I wanted to feel better about myself, I wanted to like myself again, and if I had any say, the sooner the better.

Lucky for me, God knows better than I do. I’m not going to say that’s why we got pregnant because this child was created for such a better purpose. But I certainly think God has wants to get a few birds with one stone, if you know what I mean. God made me face my fear. He confronted me. I couldn’t run away from this. I was stuck. And even if I wasn’t showing to the rest of the world, I was sleeping, barfing and feeling sick all the time. God didn’t let me get away from this fear at all. (Sound like Jonah and Nineveh? Yeah, thought so too). But here’s the thing, He didn’t ask me to confront it by myself, instead He asked me to surrender this paralyzing fear to Him. I wanted so many times to ask, “God, but what if?” And I would be hushed by His peace. I cannot say this easily or without tears welling up in my eyes, but it is my goal to live my life, in every season, whether empty arms or full ones, trusting in the hope of Jesus Christ.

Don’t worry I haven’t been sitting on this revelation long. It’s only about a week old.

But God is SO faithful. Through all my lows, God encouraged me and sustained my spirit. Call this selfish if you want, I don’t care, but I would have people come up and say, “Wow, Kelli, you’re looking great!” or “I can tell you look fit” or whatever phrase. At those times I could only say, thanks God. He knew this was painful, He knew it was hard and He didn’t leave me to fend for myself. Also, fortunately/unfortunately, I have been a sick dog. Nausea associated with 3 trips to the bathroom regularly (morning, noon, night, at school at home, wherever) and just ungodly tired. I was so happy/angry when my labs came back healthy. I wanted them to say my iron was low or my thyroid was underactive. I wanted them to give me something to help along the way. It is funny all these pregnancy problems were multi-purposed. 1) Couldn’t run away from my fear 2) Was a constant reminder that my baby was healthy. Ironic isn’t it?

I’ve had three doctors appointments and everyone I have been scared out of my mind. What if my thyroid is underactive? What if they don’t see the baby move? What if we don’t hear the baby’s heartbeat. Every time I would say, “Dear God, I can’t do this!” With sweaty palms and a racing heart I would hear the technician say, “and if you look right here you can see your little baby’s heart just beating away” or the doctor say, “listen closely, you can hear your baby’s heart beat steadily beating next to yours.” And every time walking away drenched in tears thanking God for this gift. This very very special gift. If you are reading this and have experienced more than one loss of a child, my heart grieves for you. Reading about other peoples stories of triumph sometimes felt like salt in the wound for me. I was happy they had healthy children, but that didn’t change my reality. If this is you, my heart is in pain thinking about this and I am just so so so sorry. I don’t understand why God has granted me this gift. But I will choose to be thankful in whatever situation, whether my arms are full or whether they are empty.

All this being said, I am excited and I am looking forward to having a child of my own. I’m looking forward to sharing this experience with my best friend, who by the way, will make an AWESOME dad. But for now, I’m taking everything in stride and just taking it in one day at a time. :)

One year {365 days} later

Dear Baby Rasler,



It’s been nearly a year. Almost 365 days since I lost you. This has been by far, one of the hardest years of my life. You’ve been thought about every day since that terrible Friday evening. This year has been a year of anger, frustration, loneliness, and fear. I’m just being honest. I’m going through a year that is testing my faith in a very real way.


I think I’ve rested in the fact on the reasons you’ve left, but I’m still left with the fears of the future. The problem I have is the times I’ve been most vulnerable in my life have often times left me with the most pain. In secret, I wrote to you. In secret, I prayed over you. In secret, I dreamed of everything that God was going to have you be. And in secret, I lost you. Maybe some people don’t understand my pain. It was only a miscarriage they say, not like a child that grew up in your home. Ah, you’ll get pregnant again, they reply. But the difference is I gave you everything. My attention, my body, my focus, my prayers and my heart. And a broken heart takes awhile to mend. People expect you to get over and be “normal” again. That’s what they want from you. That’s what they need you to do.


I haven’t felt normal now, for about a year.


Nothing in me wants to experience what I did with you again. But the reality is that I’m no different than anyone else. I cannot be spared from pain just because I don’t like it. And I don’t like that. It took everything in me to recover from your loss. Anti-depressants, gym time, weight watchers, and especially spending time in the Word have helped me heal along the way. But I’m learning of the 4 listed, the first three are fleeting and the last one is only sustaining.


The thought of losing control scares me. Losing control of my emotions, my diet, and my waistline. The strangest thing though, when it comes to the Word of God, he says that the tighter we hold onto things, the easier they slip away. Besides the things of this world only pass away, but we are to store up for ourselves treasures where moth cannot destroy and where thieves cannot steal.

Maybe what I’ve uncovered in myself is idol worship. The idol of control. The idol of vanity. And it’s reared it’s ugly head in this last year. My loss has exposed my own shallowness. Ugh. But selfishly, egocentrically, I don’t want to go through all that again.


I have no answers or revelations to this problem. So I’m not a “super” Christian. But all I can ask for at this point in time is for God to help me.


Where I’ve placed other priorities above you, Lord, forgive me.
Where there is confusion, I pray for peace.
Where there is uncertainty, give me trust.
Where there is pain, grant me healing.
Where I’ve chosen to hold on, Lord, help me to put it all at the foot of your cross.
And lastly,
Lord, where there is fear, restore my sight with hope.

Well, I'm all packed...

...and ready to go.  I got hit with the feeling I'm getting married all over again.  By that I meant, I'm super excited about what is to come, but ready to be done with the preparations.  JUST GET ME THERE ALREADY! :)

I have to say I'm pretty proud of myself.  Packed in a duffle bag and a backpack.  I've traveled internationally too many times and know how beneficial it is to travel light.  Especially when you have to run across airports to try and catch the last connecting flight for the evening.... just sayin' :)

But before I get too far along in this blogpost, I want to say a quick thank you to YOU.  My reader.  Maybe we're only acquaintances, but you've taken the time to read the posts about my life.  I know how the world of cyber stalking goes, and so with that, thanks for reading :)  I also want to say I'm incredibly grateful for the people who have financially supported me, who have committed to be in prayer for me, those who've loaned me items to borrow (so I don't have to buy them myself!),  those of you who've prayed for me and haven't even told me about it and once again those who've solely read.  You are awesome!!

Am I ready?  Sure I am.  What about emotionally?  To be honest I don't know.  I'm going to encounter a culture not my own, and one that I have no familiarity with.  I don't even know how to say hello in their native language!  This trip is so different from my many other travels and missions trips.  Before there was some sort of work or task at hand.  The only task here is to go love and encourage OUR orphans, OUR kids. The other day I was reading and looking through the list of the children at the different Asia's Hope orphanages.  Mom ran away.  Parents died of disease.  And it

just

breaks

my

heart. 

I can only imagine my response.  Pastor Jim told me today when we leave them and say goodbye, many of the kids will just weep and cry.   I'm not always the most vulnerable person around people, I like to be strong.  In fact, sometimes showing that kind of "mushy" emotion scares me. But having lost my own baby, I feel like there is a part of me (that wouldn't necessarily have done quite so freely before) that will just allow myself to love them.  Be praying, this isn't going to be easy for me.

Some of you have asked how to pray, here's a quick list:
-safety/protection for the team
-that I can accurately represent Christ to my teammates, my flight buddies, the children and anyone else I encounter
-that I can be on mission and where there is an opportunity to share Christ, I will.
-that I travel well.  37 hour travel time including a 20 hour flight and ending with a 5 hour bus ride (did I mention I hate heights, have motion sickness and get restless??!!)
-that the Lord will change me and my heart

Heard a new song (well, new to me) and really fallen in love with the chorus:

"When I feel afraid I will trust in You/When I'm overcome I will cling unto the Rock that is higher/He is higher/The Rock that is higher" {michael ketterer "the rock"}

As I go into unknown, dark territory, I'm remembering these truths. Amen and amen.

why did I fret?

{Psalm 31:14}
But I trust in you, O LORD; I say "You are my God."

Seven days later, and I am blown away by God's faithfulness.  I shouldn't be, I know God is faithful, but wow, when he comes through it's nothing short of amazing.  So last week at this time I had more gray hairs appear than I had in months (years, even!)  To recap, in case you didn't read my last post, no passport, no shots, no teacher license, no phone, lens broke and low funds for my trip.  And on Thursday, I needed to add $1000 car bill because air conditioning and alternator went out. 

God provided and abundantly blessed me so much that I wanted to make sure I share about His provisions.  First of all, my camera lens.  Very essential to have and use when I'm so busy doing photography this summer as a job!  As I was coming home, I noticed it wasn't really working, frustrated I thought what am I going to do?  But for some reason earlier that week I had decided to rent another lens because I was looking to buy it.  Anyway, guess when that lens was due to arrive?? THE NEXT DAY! WOW! 

As for the funds, I got an update from my church, and support from people I didn't really even know!  Last week, God provided another $625 and like I said, some was from people I didn't know or weren't very close to, but wanted to support me anyway!  I'm blown away by that kind of generosity!  I still have $1685 to go, but how last week really lifted my spirits.  I should also mention I feel blessed by anything that people have chosen to give me, prayers, $5, whatever... I am blessed!

Still waiting on the passport, but the good news, after calling twice, is that they finally have all the correct documents.  That in itself is a hoop-la and a long story, but the fact they have everything I need gives me peace of mind.

Teacher license got approved.  Apparently, there were two applications open... somehow.  So whatever, I have a job this fall still :)

Shots.  I don't like shots.  I HATE SHOTS.  After last week running around like a chicken with my head cut off (oh yeah, this is the time my A/C stopped working too in stop and go traffic) I got my appointment set and went.  I was supposed to get 5 shots, but the nurse didn't think the records I gave her were correct so she checked with the state.  Found out, I really only needed two! WOOHOO! I, a 26- year-old, let out a squeal of excitement and high-fived the nurse.  She told me I could take pills for the Typhoid since I had already had it a couple of years ago.  Boo -yah!

As for the car, it was a bad situation gone to worse.  We took the car into the shop and it was driveable.  We went to take the car home (and wait for the repairs until my trip was paid for) and it didn't drive home at all.  Great.  $1000 and my car doesn't work.  Fantastic.  Well, we got it charged up overnight, picked it up the next day and got it home.  Galen, who is so good about anything mechanical, tore into the car himself the next night.  Changed the alternator and the car worked great.  Better yet, the A/C started working!!  Galen didn't do anything with the air because he didn't know how to change a dead compressor, but miraculously it started blowing ice cold air!  Thanks God!

This is just a quick summation of the blessings I experienced, I can't even begin to mention all the little conversations and bits of encouragement I received from you all.  Times that are trying can be difficult in ones faith because when I pray I tell God, you know I want to trust and believe you, but I don't want to sit here and sound like I'm trying to manipulate you into doing what I want.  Luckily, I serve a God who isn't manipulated, but instead is just gracious and loving.  I've been reading through the Psalms and can relate to David.  One chapter David is proclaiming victory over his enemies and the next he is asking God, when?  When will you vindicate me?  That has been my own walk this week.

"Even if we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself" 2 Timothy 2:13

I must have a giant X on my back...

because my stress level and plate load is getting quite heavy.  And by giant X on my back, I'm referring to the fact that I'm leaving on a missions trip in two weeks. I don't know if any of you can relate, but I feel like I'm the type of person who can deal with stressful situations for awhile, even a LONG while, and then it's one more thing and I lose it. Of course, like many of you, I like to have it together. Unfortunately, I sometimes go on through life trying to juggle this balancing act. People may offer to help, but no, it's okay I got it. Did I also mention I'm stubborn and independent, too? Fatal combination I fear.  




 Through all the years of Christian education, sermons and various other trips I've been on, I'm very aware of the fact there is spiritual warfare.  Satan doesn't want ministry to take place, instead he'd rather keep me from doing anything at all.  Now do I realize stressful situations occur to other people who aren't going on trips?  Absolutely, but within the last week all of these things have taken place. 


But I have learned am still learning to depend upon God.  So many times God has provided what I've needed when I needed it (and not when I THOUGHT I did.)  Anyway, I often find myself in between trusting God and asking, when Lord, WHEN?  I'm learning to practice patience in the process.  God, did I ask for that?  Because if I did, I take it back!  Just kidding!  But seriously....  :)


I have a list below of seemingly stressful situations, one in and of itself isn't so bad, but I keep getting handed plates and the load is getting heavy.

What's on my plate you may ask?  Here's a brief list.
-Dropped my phone in the toilet, and no I didn't have that expensive insurance
-Buying a new phone
-A/C in car just went out
-Battery light on car turned on
-one of my lenses for my camera broke or doesn't work or whatever you want to say
-Need to get my shots for my trip

-Haven't gotten my passport back yet
-Need to raise $2300 for my Asia's Hope trip that I leave for in TWO weeks

Today as I was driving to the grocery store, I just started to get teary eyed. Ahhhhhhhhhhh, I can't do this I prayed.  Then I asked God if he had any blessings in store for me today, I could certainly use them.    Later when I went to the grocery store, I was putting back a regular pack of Pepsi for diet when an older Pepsi man, who was standing there, said I'd be charged a $5 restocking fee.  I looked at him and smiled and said, "Oh yeah?"  He started laughing and so did I.  It felt so good to laugh I almost started crying.  It may sound silly to you, but I really needed to laugh. 

After being at Momentum this week one of the speakers, David Nasser, said something very profound.  He said, "I'm not doubting that the thing you are facing is bigger than you, I'm just reminding you that my God is bigger than your situation." Praying I remember that truth today.