When your faith doesn't change your circumstances...

Faith.

 

Really what's the purpose for it?

 

(My bag of mustard seeds)

Having faith and God's will don't always mesh together. And recently, I have wondered if they even have a relationship at all.   In the Bible, Matthew 17:20 talks about having the faith of a mustard seed and you can have the ability to move mountains.  If you haven't seen a mustard seed lately, it's so small and really easy to miss.  I know... I KNOW when praying for Galen's results to come back negative that I had at least the conviction of a mustard seed.  I'll even be so bold to say I had confidence bigger than that.  Maybe the size of a watermelon. So why didn't it change the outcome?  Faith can move mountains, but not change the diagnosis of cancer?

 

This is hard to describe because while I prayed for healing, believing in the power of God to repair Galen's chromosomes, I can truly rest in His will for allowing Galen and I to go through cancer.

 

But that being said, I wanted to know, why do I need faith if it doesn't change the outcome?  What does it matter really?  Why should I have faith?  I put myself out there and I don't regret being as bold as I was because I still believe in my God's power to heal.

 

But God why do You put verses in the Bible like Matthew 17:20?   Does it ever intersect with Your will?  Does a person's faith EVER change the outcome in our lives?

 

First of all, it takes a change of mindset.  My God is not my genie, a servant of mine, or some mystical object with powers that I own.  I don't have three wishes, and I don't go to Him demanding things be done.  And even if I did, it doesn't get me anywhere anyway.   My God is a father and anyone who is a parent knows that while parents love to bless their children, there are also necessary times to say no or not yet.  As a child, I remember feeling like my parents were holding out on me.  Wasn't that the first sin in this world anyway?  Eve was deceived by the serpent to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil because she believed God was holding out on her.  What a mess that caused.

 

Anyway, as a parent, I can see the bigger picture of why no is necessary.  No, you may not have another bowl of ice cream.  No, you may not stay out as late as you want.  No, you may not go to an unsupervised party. No seemed like the most unfair statement I'd ever heard and now as a parent, I am thankful for a lot of the no's I heard as it spared me from a lot of heartache.  And that temporary pain I experienced was nothing in comparison to a longer pain I could've felt had my parents allowed me to do whatever I wanted.  This isn't a blanket statement.  It doesn't fit every situation.  However, I do see the parallel and believe it's relevant to what I am going through right now.

 

I've said it already, but being a Christian doesn't exclude you from hardship, in fact the Bible talks frequently about finding joy in the midst of our pain, our trials, our disappointments, our bad news, and even our husband's diagnosis of cancer. Romans 5:3 -4 says, "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;

 

⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope." I won't speak for you, but this is very unnatural... we should glory in our sufferings? If you continue on in Romans you find this verse also, "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. " (8:18 NIV)  Our sufferings are not worth comparing to the glory we will get later?  What?!  Not going to lie.  That's tough.

 

 

 

My attempt during this whole time is to spend time in God's Word every day.  And as I read His Word, my heart is not only open to His Word, but I am biting at the bit to answer my question.  Why does faith matter?

And then in my devotional time, I come across the book of Hebrews which talks about men and women whose faith I greatly admire.   

³⁵ So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.

³⁶ You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. ³⁷ For,

“In just a little while,
    he who is coming will come
    and will not delay.”

³⁸ And,

“But my righteous one will live by faith.
    And I take no pleasure
    in the one who shrinks back.”

³⁹ But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved. (Hebrews 10:35-39).

Faith isn't about getting what I want, and it isn't about manipulating the Creator of the Universe into performing my desires.  Faith is believing in something greater than my circumstances.  Faith is saying there is hope even in the midst of my husband's cancer.  Faith is saying there is something greater than my biggest fear.  And if I have to choose between fear and faith, I'd rather CHOOSE faith.  And I chose faith because of the blessing that it comes with.

I read verses like Proverbs 16:20b where it says, "blessed is he who trusts in the LORD." 

 

So what is the blessing?  I'm guilty of wanting to call healing my blessing, when actually God may call blessing by the name of peace.  I am thankful for the tranquility that has filled my heart in these past few days and weeks.  I have an inner calm that I cannot explain.  It doesn't mean I like what we are going through, but I do not spend my nights playing the "what if" game.  I could go there, but I don't, because of the peace in my heart. 

 

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:7).

 

You have my permission to call me a bold faced liar if you thought I was holding this together on my own.  Because I am not.  A couple of weeks ago, my heart was so heavy, so burdened and so overwhelmed.  The day after we found out about Galen's cancer diagnosis, I have no better way to describe how I felt other than saying I felt like someone had run me over with a truck.  I wept and I wept some more.  I finally turned on some worship music. I didn't even have the strength to sing the words, but the powerful truths swept over me and the tears stopped.  For the entirety of the day, I had to have the music on because when I didn't, the tears and the heaviness returned.   It was a reminder that when I keep my eyes on Jesus, I won't be overwhelmed by the waves of worry and fear that tries to consume me.  John 10:10 says, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."  The fear is very real, but my God is greater than any fear I may face. 

 

So faith gives me peace, but there is also this part of me that says if I believe God raised Jesus from the dead, then why can't He heal my husband of this cancer? Well, He can.  Will He?  I honestly don't know.

 

But I feel called to continue to pray, believing that He will restore my husband's body.  A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about my call to pursue my fast even after we got confirmation that the biopsy was positive for chronic leukemia. After those ten days, and "that phone call" God didn't release me from fasting. I felt God ask me to change it in a couple of ways.  One alteration was for me to get up every morning to spend time in God's Word and to spend time in prayer.  While I continue to pray for Galen's healing and remind God that He has the power to do it, I don't believe that's my purpose for spending time with Him.  Mark Batterson, author of The Circlemaker, wrote it this way, "I learned we shouldn't seek answers as much as we seek God. We get over anxious. We try to microwave our own answers instead of trusting God's timing... If you seek answers, you won't find them, but if you seek God the answers will find you."

 

I don't know if God will choose to heal my husband.  But He can.  So in the meantime, while I wait, for however long He chooses, I will ask God to change me to be more like Him.  As I seek His face, may He change my heart. 

 

And lastly, what if this miracle is 100 days in the making?  Forty years in the making?  I can't give up now.  There is too much invested.  And like I said before, I'm going all in on Jesus because my return on investment, whether here on earth or when I get to heaven, is going to be more than I could fathom.

 

"Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him."  (James 1:12)

 

And I'm banking on it.

 

 

 

 

I said, God, make me a woman of prayer and faith...

March 20th

This post may not be as heartfelt as some of the others, however, it is more of an understanding into just how crazy this year has been for our family.

 

2014 has been nothing short of a wild ride.  A good friend recommended a book, The Circlemaker, and it's transforming my prayer life. So here's a run down:

 

In January, sweet little Boaz Graham joined us an entire month early.  Jaundiced and underweight, by the end of his second week of life, the pediatrician told me I had a very healthy baby.

 

I reconciled a relationship that needed repair. I had believed a lot of the enemy's lies for 2 1/2 years.  That day truth came out and I no longer have anxiety about this important relationship.  Praise God!

 

February, Benaiah got croup and we totaled our SUV. The telephone pole snapped in half, but the three of us, me and the boys, walked away, not even feeling sore the next day.

 

It was at this time I was finishing up the Circlemaker and one of the key questions in the book is, if God said, "what is it you want?"  What would you tell Him?  I prayed for a while about this, but asked God to make me a woman of faith and prayer...

 

glad  God didn't wait too long to start the transformation process for my life.  (insert sarcasm here) ;)

 

During that time of waiting, I prayed and asked God that He would double the value of the loss of our vehicle for no reason.  He did me one better.  The insurance company called after giving us our settlement amount and offered 1100 dollars more.  WHAT?!  In total, we got 3500 more than what our vehicle was worth - and none of us were injured in the accident!  Only God, people, only God.

 

The same week we settled on our vehicle, Galen went in for a yearly health screening and that's when we found out about his crazy White Blood Cell numbers. Oh and which I should add, our health insurance wasn't going to cover the health screening this year, but DJ decided to cover the cost.  Had they not done that, Galen wouldn't have participated.  You know why?  Because he's never sick!

 

During our time of waiting, God used people to be His hands and feet.  Watching our kids, providing us meals and gift cards, fasting with us and just giving us a hug when we needed it.  However, I did have one friend who messaged me and it left me speechless.  She doesn't go to my church, but had told me that that day in church " A woman got up this morning and shared that God had put on her heart to pray for healing for someone who was just diagnosed with a disease having to do with their blood and something attacking or being abnormal in their blood. I KNEW I was to tell her about Galen. After church I spoke with her Told her about Galen and she said "Let's pray now" Kelli, this woman prayed down heaven. She stormed those gates on behalf of your husband!"

 

Did that just give you chills?  I get'em every time I read it. So what does that mean?  It means, God's got this.  It means He is bigger than our situation.  How else could you explain that a friend who knows about our situation happened to go to another church where another woman is basically asked to heal someone with leukemia?  Only God, people, only God.

 

Before we could even pray about the 8600 dollar monthly prescription, the insurance company called and told us it was covered.  One hundred percent.  Covered.  All of it.  My mom who works with cancer patients said this medication is often not covered by insurance companies, or at the very best, they cover half.  Only God, people.  Only God.

 

My premature son who was born?  Oh yeah, by his two month appointment has doubled his weight (95 percentile).  This may not sound significant at first, but this is awesome.  Milk supply can be affected by stress.  Obviously, the Lord is granting me peace because my milk isn't being affected and I've got what you call a healthy baby boy. Only God, people.  Only God.

 

If you talk to anyone who works with cancer patients or has dealt with cancer at all, they can tell you that a bone marrow biopsy can be incredibly painful.  In fact, described by some as the worst pain of their life.   Well, Galen, for some reason, was allowed to be sedated for the biopsy and felt no pain during the procedure at all.  Only God, people, only God.

 

Thankful that God has shown just how SOVEREIGN, or in control, He is of our lives.  No matter what we walk through, including my husband's cancer,  He's got this and in the meantime, He's answering my desire to be a woman of prayer and a woman of faith.

 

 

 

Not letting go

"I don't know where you are on the timeline between praying through and breaking through. Maybe you're at day one; maybe you're at day twenty. Either way, you can pray with a holy confidence, knowing that with each prayer circle you are one prayer closer. Don't give up."

Lord, I am declaring a fast. I don't know what else to do. While I respect the wisdom and knowledge you have given to  the doctors, I believe Your healing power trumps their understanding.  It's so easy to barter with You God and say, if You do this, I'll do that.  Well, I'm going to do the opposite....  I am going to commit to the things I have written below UNTIL you have fully and completely brought healing to Galen's body.  And God, that's a big request (to me and the medical world) because going into remission isn't good enough to the medical field.  Remission doesn't equal healing for Galen. So Lord, I'm asking for the type of healing where Galen will not have to continue his treatment.  No prescriptions, no chemo, nothing at all.  We will pray for wisdom and discernment for Galen's doctors and trust their care, however, Lord, Your healing is greater.  The only thing that will cancel this fast is that request being fulfilled.  Lord, I'm not letting go of Your garment and I don't know how else to show You that I believe in Your healing power.  So, Lord, I know you do things in Your time, but know, for however long You choose, I will continue to trust you, praise you and circle this request in prayer.  Thanks God for going before us, holding us in Your arms and for all the good You will bring from this awful disease.

When I am afraid

Monday, when Galen called me and told me about the biopsy results, I felt like someone slapped me in the face and then punched me in the gut. I fell flat on my face.  And that was right before the First Steps lady arrived -**so happy she was 15 minutes early**.  Anyway,  I'm not going to lie, it's not what I was wanting to hear, nor was I expecting it.  And hello, as many hundreds of people were fervently praying for Galen's healing? What's up with that God?!  Didn't you hear the knock on heaven's door?  The way I heard some people pray, they might have disrupted the angels and saints singing!!

 

It's not that God's not able, but still when He tells us no or not now we can walk away feeling like our feelings got hurt.  Okay, maybe that's just me.

 

I have my moments. Real moments.  Human moments.  Faith moments.  Grateful moments.  Why-in-the-world-are-we-going-through-this-we're-only-28years-old moments. Monday was hard, but Tuesday was even more difficult.  There are so many unknowns.  Do I continue my fast?  I told God I'd fast until I got negative results.  Which, by the way, God, was that my fault for miscommunicating?  When I said negative, I didn't mean bad, I meant Galen wouldn't have any disease in his body.  I apologize if I didn't clarify that to you.

 

In the Bible, 1 Kings 18, the day after Elijah has it out, has an all out SHOWDOWN, with the prophets of Baal, he finds himself distressed and depressed and fearing for his life, while taking residence up in a cave. C'mon Elijah!!!  You just witnessed one of the greatest miracles... you challenged 400 idol worshipping prophets and you saw God come down in a MIGHTY way, yet now you are afraid? 

 

Okay, I won't judge because I get it.  Maybe not one of Elijah's better moments, but I think that story in the Bible is for me. You can see God perform some of the greatest miracles in your life, you can have the most intimate moments with the Lord, you can have a trust for Jesus like no other, but then wake up the next day unsure. You can find out your husband has been diagnosed with cancer and then it puts your faith to the test.  Some days are better than others.  I think that's part of being human. I trust God, but it doesn't mean I like going through deep waters.  But unlike, Elijah, I don't want to spend my time hiding out in a cave being overcome with fear. I REFUSE to be a cave dweller. So something's got to give.  As much as I hate pain, trials and stress, I so easily forget it's a great time for me to learn to press in to Jesus again. And oh, how He desires for me to do that. So instead of running away, I'm going to run straight to Jesus.  It's not the alternative, its the only choice I have.

 

I read this quote from Mark Batterson's book All In.  (And I'll warn you don't read unless you are ready to be seriously gut-checked and you need to read the Circlemaker first).

 

"We want joy without sacrifice.
We want character without suffering.
We want success without failure.
We want gain without pain.
We want a testimony without a test.
We want it all without going all for it.

But you don't get to know God by looking at Him from a distance. You have to hike the depths of His power and the heights of His holiness. You have to go rim to rim with God. And if you take a single Spirit-led step of faith in God's direction, spiritual adrenaline will surge through your veins once again."

 

Yeah, Mark, I 'd rather it be that way.  Selfishly I do.  But it doesn't get to happen that way.  I get it.

 

So Lord, here's the thing... I first want to say thank you for loving me and promising to walk through troubled times together.  I need your Hand during this time and quite frankly, God there may be days you need to scoop me up carry me all together.  I hope you are okay with that.

 

Tuesday, feeling overcome, I was desperate to stop the tears from streaming.   I put Pandora on, youtube on and just listened to worship music.  In case you don't know, the enemy hates hearing God get praise, especially in times like these.  I cannot describe the PEACE I had as I listened and the JOY that filled my soul.

 

Jesus, I don't know what my future looks like with this diagnosis.  I don't know the depth of the water that you are going to ask me to go through. I am going to still pray for healing in the meantime, though.  I'm not giving up and not done circling. I look forward to the day in which I can look at this moment and see how you walked us through.  How you carried us.  And I'm not going to wait til then to praise You.  God, I'm going to do it now. I am not saying this is easy, so don't bail on me, okay? I know you won't, but Lord, thank you for so many things.  Thank you for the opportuninty to grow.  Just don't let me be the same because of this, okay, Lord? Make me different, give me faith, & change my heart to be more like you.   And this experience is too painful, so please don't let it go to waste.  Make sure you get the glory for it ALL, Jesus.  I love you and thanks for loving me inspite of my "moments".

 

I love this song.  I feel empowered and raise my hands and pound my fists.  Its an anthem.  It's truth. It's what keeps me from going to the cave. Look it up here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JbvgOJl8H2c

####################################

When I am afraid (Laura Hackett)

When I am afraid I will trust in You
When I'm overcome I will cling onto
The Rock that is higher, He's higher
The Rock that is higher

When I am afraid I will trust in You
When I'm overcome I will cling onto
The Rock that is higher, He's higher
The Rock that is higher

When my enemy's too strong for me
I don't know how to fight the fear
That comes against my heart and mind
I call upon the name of Christ

He's higher, He's higher
The Rock, He is higher

When I am afraid I will trust in You
When I'm overcome I will cling onto
The Rock that is higher, He's higher
The Rock that is higher

O When I am afraid I will trust in You
When I'm overcome I will cling onto
The Rock that is higher, He's higher
The Rock that is higher

When my enemy's surrounding me
He comes to steal my joy, my peace
I let go of my reasoning
And fall upon the Rock

That is higher, He's higher
The Rock, He is higher

O When I am afraid I will trust in You
When I'm overcome I will cling onto
The Rock that is higher, He's higher
The Rock that is higher

I will not build my life upon the passing sands
Of how I feel inside from one moment to the next
But I will love you Lord, my Rock, my God, my Strength
A precious cornerstone that floods of death could never shake

O For there is no peace of mind, outside of truth in Christ
For the fear is real and it's power can kill
But the stability of our times, the stability of our times
Will be the Rock, that is higher, He's higher,
The Rock He's is higher

O When I am afraid I will trust in You
When I'm overcome I will cling onto
The Rock that is higher, He's higher
The Rock that is higher

Why not me?

Why not me?

This world is full of pain.

It is full of suffering.

People lose parents.

Parents lose children.

Jobs are lost.

Wars break out.

Diseases spread.

Children are exploited.

People are starving.

Couples experience infertility.

Injustice is prevalent.

It is broken.

And how I am thankful this world is not my home. After I die, I can look forward to an eternity with my Savior.  A place where there is no more pain and no more suffering.  So, my faith won't rest here, nor will it rest in humanity.  My faith is built upon the firm foundation of Jesus Christ.  My assurance comes from Jesus who was raised by God and conquered the grave.

And being a follower of Christ doesn't exempt me or any of us the pain this world so "graciously" gives.  And can I have a moment of honesty here?  I'd prefer to be exempted.  I'd prefer not to see suffering happen to anyone.  It's painful. It hurts. And I don't like it.  And I don't want it.

So we all experience pain and disappointments that come in many facets.  But I have Jesus.  And that means everything. The Lord promises me I won't walk through this all without His guiding hand. (Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil - Psalm 23). He promises me, If I allow Him to, to take my experience, my ashes, and make them into beautiful things (Isaiah 61:3). He promises to take what was meant to harm me and make good out of it (Genesis 50:20).

Quite frankly, I don't know what's going to happen.  I don't know if the Lord is going to heal Galen or if He will allow us to walk the road traveled by many called, "cancer".  But I do know anything I experience happens only because God has allowed me to walk through it.  He commands my destiny and there is NOTHING that can be brought upon me that He hasn't allowed.  And it's not because He thinks I'm strong enough to handle it.  That's the biggest lie out there.  I don't go through anything because God thinks I can handle it.... and neither do you.  I'm not supposed to be able to deal with any of this on my own.  It's in those moments I'm drowning in sorrow and being overcome in my fears when I rely on my Rock, Jesus to deliver me. And He does.  Every time.  He gives me peace and strength to continue to put one foot in front of the other as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death.  Him allowing me to walk this road, if He so chooses, mind you, doesn't diminish His Almighty Power.  He has the power to heal and to deliver.   I don't understand His Will and I don't think it's my place to try and understand the mind of the Creator of the Universe.  I can, however, ask for peace and be able to rest in His will, whatever that may be.

So, Lord, I ask three things from you, whatever your decision and whatever your will is, please answer these three things:

1) Don't leave me the same person I was - refine me and make me more like you.

2) Give me strength

3)Lord, get the glory. 

Give Me Jesus (Jeremy Camp)

In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise

Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus, 
Give me Jesus.

You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

When I am alone,
When I am alone, 
When I am alone,
Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus, 
Give me Jesus.

You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

When I come to die,
When I come to die,
When I come to die,
Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus, 
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus, 
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world, 
You can have all this world, 
Just give me Jesus.

You call me upon the waters

March 7th, 2014

I don't know what to think.  But I can tell you  I have never been pushed so hard in my faith than in this time.  Let me be clear, my faith will not be based on what God chooses to allow and what He doesn't.  A long time ago, I learned a hard lesson in asking God for something, praying about it, yet having the answer be no.  I didn't understand why God wouldn't say yes to something I earnestly prayed and why He "left me out to dry".  You see, it was the summer before my sophomore year of college and I had already taken out 16,000 dollars to go to Bethel my first year.  I had figured at that rate, I was never going to make any money.  I spent the summer asking God to fund school so I wouldn't have to take any more money out in student loans.  Well, that day came and went and I still had to sign for funds. 

 

I was under the impression that if I asked and believed enough, God would say yes.  Anyway, I spent the next three months "taking a break" from God knowing I was too angry to deal with the situation.  One person I was going to talk to was our pastor, but he was killed in a motorcycle accident the following week.  The next few months I just stayed quiet.  Not looking to rebel, but at a loss as what to think. Where was God?  What didn't I do right? Then the Lord spoke to me through a speaker in chapel and he told the story of Shadrach, Mesach and Abednego.   "16Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego replied to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to give you an answer concerning this matter. 17"If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. 18"But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up." (Daniel 3).

And I know there are people out there that are skeptical of the existence of God or His power.  But I can testify to what the Lord has done in my own life.  And I cannot deny those lessons.  I have learned that its not for me to necessarily try and understand why God says yes and why He says no.  It is my job to ask for God's healing touch and to be obedient even if the answer is no.  And the Lord has told me no in my life.  I had to pay for my college through loans, I lost a child, and my parents got a divorce.  I have experienced no.  But in the midst,  I have learned many lessons.  Through my student debt, God has taught me a lot about financial discipline and His provision.  In five years, we paid off 67,000 dollars of loans.  Through my miscarriage, I became more compassionate to those who experienced loss.   Through every instance, I have faced some sort of fear and been taught that I can trust that God can make beauty from ashes.  My faith grew in those situations, and its because of those times that I am CHOOSING to allow God to take me to my limit and beyond because I know what He is capable of doing. It is Jesus who carries me as I walk this hard road. 
 

You can say I am in denial if you want.  That I am refusing to accept the "truth" of what the doctors are saying.  I realize what they are saying.  They are saying my husband could have cancer.  They are saying, while this is treatable, it could progress.  It could get worse and it could take my husband's life.  I could be a widow. I could have two boys to raise on my own. I realize what COULD happen.

I do have a sense of reality.  And yet, I'm not going to hedge my bets.  I'm putting all the chips in the middle.  So, maybe you think instead of being in denial I look like a fool.

I probably do look foolish to you because:

#We are fasting from meats and sweets until we get negative results.

#We are praying specific prayers so God gets the glory.

#I am putting it out there that I am expecting God to heal my husband.

#Galen isn't taking any prescriptions right now until something would be confirmed.

#The doctors are telling us that Galen's biopsy is 90% chance looking like chronic leukemia.

But nothing is confirmed.

Even if it was, God has brought people back from the dead.

You know, I bet Noah was called a fool and laughed at for building an ark for rain that had never existed.

How I'd love to have the faith of Noah.  A man who built an ark for 120 YEARS trusting what God said was true. And guess what?  The flood did come.

I'll tell you what is foolish and that's not believing in the God who has already brought me through troubled times.  Believing that He won't walk me through this awful time.  That He has forsaken me.  That He has left me.  Tearfully, I thank Him for this opportunity to grow in my faith.  I thank Him because I get to learn to trust Him more.  I trust Him for the years down the road when I will look back on this time and it will help me get through whatever else life throws at me.

I want to be like Noah.
I don't want to play it safe.
I am willing to look foolish for God.

I want to empty my faith bank account.
I am putting all my chips in.
But I do this because I believe I'm going to get one heck of a return on my investment whether here on Earth or when I finally meet Jesus.
  
So what do I need?
#I need your prayers.
#I need courage.
#I need God's Word.
#And I may even need a hug once in awhile.

#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#_#

OCeans (Where Feet May Fail) by Hillsong United
Verse #1
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown, where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep, my faith will stand

Chorus:
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours, and You are mine

Verse #2
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed, and You won't start now

Chorus:
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours, and You are mine

Bridge:
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior x 3

Ending:
I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours, and You are mine
I am Yours, and You are mine
I am Yours, and You are mine
I am Yours, and You are mine

 

 

 

A letter of reflection on your first 365

April 10th, 2013

 

Dear Benaiah Grey,

It was a year ago that your dad and I went out for our final dinner as a true family of 2.  It's hard to believe it has been a year.  The days have been long, but this year has been far too short.  I hold you and think how much you have changed, but as I have been with you these past 365 days, I'm not entirely sure when it was that you grew.  Maybe it was the few times I was actually doing the dishes or even during the night, but clearly you have evolved from my baby into a little boy.  If you only knew of all the nights I stood over your crib and watching you sleep peacefully, waiting to hear a little sigh or see your chest rise and fall again.

Selfishly, I am a bit sad about this first birthday.  I already realize that I only have 17 more years before we are talking about a high school graduation and perhaps the opportunity for you to go to college or move into the workforce.  Since the moment I had you to now, you've been slowly gaining your independence.  But it's in those times, I'm thankful for the fact you still lay your sweet curly head down on my shoulder, reach your arms around my neck and twist your chubby little fingers in my hair.  Despite the fact I am not a "crier", I'll tear up in two seconds.  I know just how sweet this time is and try never to wish our time together away.  There will come a time when you are more interested in your friends than me, and so I'll gladly take your hugs and cuddles now.

From baby to boy, your personality has surely come out.  Your wonder and curiosity for the world around you is intoxicating.  Call me an addict, but I just love to watch you see how the world works.  You are a nature lover.  Banging the screen door in the hopes I might just let you out. For you it is new, and it's fresh. Somehow banging the picnic table is much more exciting the banging your toys in the house.  That's okay :)  But once we make it back inside, I know I can find you opening doors, eating whatever I haven't picked up off the floor, or you finding your way to another mirror.  It's hard not to laugh when I see that you smile at yourself frequently.  Oh to know what you are thinking!  You love to laugh and thoroughly enjoy life.  Your smile is contagious causing others to stop and return the gesture.  By the way, your current girlfriend count is higher than what I'm comfortable with :)  I'm reminded of the one time I brought you into school to sit with me the last ten minutes.  All my students were supposed to be reading, but all the girls were staring at you! Ha, I couldn't blame them though :)

As you've grown and changed this year, so have I.  You have changed me.  God has used you to make me a better person. I thank God for how He has used you to teach me that I can trust Him.  I have to be honest, I was scared for so many reasons to have a child again and yet God has taught me the joy of motherhood (yes, joy, not easiness :).  You have also touched my heart in a way that has allowed me to express more compassion, patience and love towards other people.  Because of your tenderness towards me, I have been able to pay that forward. Having the love I do for you, makes me also realize the love my parents must have for me.  I didn't understand until I had you, that I don't and can't love my parents they same way they must love me.  I am so grateful for them.

I didn't know it was possible to care for someone the way I love you.  My love for you is so much different than the love I have for your dad.  I love you in a fierce kind of way; the kind that can bring tears to my eyes and often drop me to my knees.  I beg God to bless you, to help you grow and to be astute.  I plead that the Lord would help you achieve everything in life that you have the potential to be.  Your dad and I have prayed countless times over you, at least every night before you go to bed.  It's our desire that we raise you God's way.  We beg God to guard your crib, your mind and your body.  We ask that God would put in your very soul a heart for widows, orphans and the overlooked in our society.  We have taken God's Word and asked God that His Word would be evidenced in your life.  We have fought for the spiritual foundation of your life.

I wrote this prayer for you over a year and a half ago, and my prayer it remains:

In a world that desires to tell you who you are and who you should be, may you find yourself rooted in the truth that there is a God who loves you and who created you.

In a world that desires to deceive, may you be grounded in knowing the Truth.

In a world that exploits the lowly and mistreats the “least of these”, may you be a man who fights and boldly stands up for those people.

May you be a man who is more concerned about living for the Lord then for living for the fleshly desires of our human condition.

May you be the meaning of what a man is really supposed to be and not what the world accepts as a cheap version of one.

While I pray that you can be bold and strong, I pray that you will also have in your heart the qualities of grace, compassion and mercy.

I pray that you'll be able to laugh at the days to come, and that your heart will be full with the life that God has granted you.

And finally, I pray that just as Jesus did you will grow in your relationship with the Lord, with men, in stature and in wisdom.

Thank you for a year of laughs, giggles, honking noses, tender touches, and daring discoveries.  I'm so excited for all the memories we, as a family, will make together in this new year.

With all my love, always and forever,

Mommy