13 weeks, 2 days later...

These past few months have been trying in every way. We found out we were pregnant at week 4 and in case you didn’t know are at week 13. Like last time, we refrained from telling anyone until we had heard the heartbeat for ourselves. So our parents have only known a week longer than most of you.


A mid August Sunday morning, that would be less than 24 hours from when I returned home from Thailand & Cambodia, the two pink lines of a pregnancy test turned my world upside down. My myriad of emotions was quickly solidified into two simple emotions. After I shared the news with Galen, he was ecstatic, overjoyed and almost squeaked, “We’re pregnant!?!” It was at that moment I felt my body go numb and completely paralyzed with fear. The next few days I was quiet and somber. Galen finally confronted me about my lack of emotion and joy and that’s when I broke down and just sobbed.

I cried, “I’m not ready, I’m just not ready for this. I wasn’t ready. We weren’t planning on this happening.” (Yes, we are no 2-0 for unplanned pregnancies). I bitterly wept expressing my fear of losing another child, I just couldn’t bear to have this happen again. I can’t go through what I went through, again. And my reality was, I could, I might have to, it may happen again. Many of you have had several miscarriages, and I just cannot imagine your pain. But just because I can’t imagine it doesn’t mean it wouldn’t happen to me. I am not exempt from the pain this world causes. And as I’m writing this, 13 weeks pregnant, I still realize this to be true.

For weeks, I was miserable, I was upset, I was angry, I was sad, and I was very afraid. I know what the Bible says about being afraid and I know God commands us to fear not. But I just broke down and said, “God, I need you to understand, if you were to take away my home, my job and my provisions, that would be so difficult, but I believe I could cling on to the fear not. (Of course, that is assuming a lot about myself). But the thought of losing another child, another life and having to go through the physical and emotional pain again – I just can’t do it. How can I not be afraid?”

I hope if you have struggled to get pregnant that you can bypass what seems to be my insensitivity or ungratefulness for a human life. This is what I started to hate about myself. How can I be angry, when so many others can’t get pregnant? This isn’t fair to me and it isn’t fair to them. But I just kept going back to God and saying it’s not that I don’t want children, God, I’m just not ready. I’m just not ready to do this again. By heart was torn and broken and I was in a very low place. I was angry that I was sleeping all the time. I was frustrated I had no energy to work out. And I outright despised the fact that I would have to change (or it be changed) my body and my figure. Don’t you realize I spent these past 6 months losing 27 lbs?! How dare I lose all this again in hopes that this child survives.

DO NOT STORE UP FOR YOURSELVES TREASURES ON EARTH, WHERE MOTH AND RUST DESTROY AND WHERE THIEVES CAN BREAK IN AND STEAL, BUT STORE UP FOR YOURSELVES TREASURES IN HEAVEN WHERE MOTH AND RUST DO NOT DESTROY AND WHERE THIEVES DO NOT BREAK IN AND STEAL. – MATTHEW 6:19-20

This verse can change your perspective on a lot of things. Is it more important to have something I can control and can’t take with me or to have a child that could impact this world for the Kingdom of God?

For days, and many days, I would complain to Galen, “Look, I’m getting fat. Look my hips have gotten huge. Look I have a pooch and it doesn’t even look like a baby!!!” I spent my time being angry everytime I looked in the mirror I found a reason to be upset. Probably a good 8 weeks later, I really realized exactly why I was so angry. The last time I gained weight I was depressed, I was at a low physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. God had been sustaining me, but I decided at the New Year it was time to heal. And so, in reality, I did it on my terms. I took control of my life. I joined Weight Watchers, bootcamp and rejoined my gym. 6-8 hour workouts were my weekly minimum. And I watched what I ate. And I lost 27 lbs. A size 6 was big on me. And even though I felt more accomplished, hey, I could do 10 -1 legged pushups now, I hadn’t healed. I had given God the terms on which I was to heal and hadn’t allowed Him to direct my healing. All I knew is I wanted to feel better about myself, I wanted to like myself again, and if I had any say, the sooner the better.

Lucky for me, God knows better than I do. I’m not going to say that’s why we got pregnant because this child was created for such a better purpose. But I certainly think God has wants to get a few birds with one stone, if you know what I mean. God made me face my fear. He confronted me. I couldn’t run away from this. I was stuck. And even if I wasn’t showing to the rest of the world, I was sleeping, barfing and feeling sick all the time. God didn’t let me get away from this fear at all. (Sound like Jonah and Nineveh? Yeah, thought so too). But here’s the thing, He didn’t ask me to confront it by myself, instead He asked me to surrender this paralyzing fear to Him. I wanted so many times to ask, “God, but what if?” And I would be hushed by His peace. I cannot say this easily or without tears welling up in my eyes, but it is my goal to live my life, in every season, whether empty arms or full ones, trusting in the hope of Jesus Christ.

Don’t worry I haven’t been sitting on this revelation long. It’s only about a week old.

But God is SO faithful. Through all my lows, God encouraged me and sustained my spirit. Call this selfish if you want, I don’t care, but I would have people come up and say, “Wow, Kelli, you’re looking great!” or “I can tell you look fit” or whatever phrase. At those times I could only say, thanks God. He knew this was painful, He knew it was hard and He didn’t leave me to fend for myself. Also, fortunately/unfortunately, I have been a sick dog. Nausea associated with 3 trips to the bathroom regularly (morning, noon, night, at school at home, wherever) and just ungodly tired. I was so happy/angry when my labs came back healthy. I wanted them to say my iron was low or my thyroid was underactive. I wanted them to give me something to help along the way. It is funny all these pregnancy problems were multi-purposed. 1) Couldn’t run away from my fear 2) Was a constant reminder that my baby was healthy. Ironic isn’t it?

I’ve had three doctors appointments and everyone I have been scared out of my mind. What if my thyroid is underactive? What if they don’t see the baby move? What if we don’t hear the baby’s heartbeat. Every time I would say, “Dear God, I can’t do this!” With sweaty palms and a racing heart I would hear the technician say, “and if you look right here you can see your little baby’s heart just beating away” or the doctor say, “listen closely, you can hear your baby’s heart beat steadily beating next to yours.” And every time walking away drenched in tears thanking God for this gift. This very very special gift. If you are reading this and have experienced more than one loss of a child, my heart grieves for you. Reading about other peoples stories of triumph sometimes felt like salt in the wound for me. I was happy they had healthy children, but that didn’t change my reality. If this is you, my heart is in pain thinking about this and I am just so so so sorry. I don’t understand why God has granted me this gift. But I will choose to be thankful in whatever situation, whether my arms are full or whether they are empty.

All this being said, I am excited and I am looking forward to having a child of my own. I’m looking forward to sharing this experience with my best friend, who by the way, will make an AWESOME dad. But for now, I’m taking everything in stride and just taking it in one day at a time. :)

One year {365 days} later

Dear Baby Rasler,



It’s been nearly a year. Almost 365 days since I lost you. This has been by far, one of the hardest years of my life. You’ve been thought about every day since that terrible Friday evening. This year has been a year of anger, frustration, loneliness, and fear. I’m just being honest. I’m going through a year that is testing my faith in a very real way.


I think I’ve rested in the fact on the reasons you’ve left, but I’m still left with the fears of the future. The problem I have is the times I’ve been most vulnerable in my life have often times left me with the most pain. In secret, I wrote to you. In secret, I prayed over you. In secret, I dreamed of everything that God was going to have you be. And in secret, I lost you. Maybe some people don’t understand my pain. It was only a miscarriage they say, not like a child that grew up in your home. Ah, you’ll get pregnant again, they reply. But the difference is I gave you everything. My attention, my body, my focus, my prayers and my heart. And a broken heart takes awhile to mend. People expect you to get over and be “normal” again. That’s what they want from you. That’s what they need you to do.


I haven’t felt normal now, for about a year.


Nothing in me wants to experience what I did with you again. But the reality is that I’m no different than anyone else. I cannot be spared from pain just because I don’t like it. And I don’t like that. It took everything in me to recover from your loss. Anti-depressants, gym time, weight watchers, and especially spending time in the Word have helped me heal along the way. But I’m learning of the 4 listed, the first three are fleeting and the last one is only sustaining.


The thought of losing control scares me. Losing control of my emotions, my diet, and my waistline. The strangest thing though, when it comes to the Word of God, he says that the tighter we hold onto things, the easier they slip away. Besides the things of this world only pass away, but we are to store up for ourselves treasures where moth cannot destroy and where thieves cannot steal.

Maybe what I’ve uncovered in myself is idol worship. The idol of control. The idol of vanity. And it’s reared it’s ugly head in this last year. My loss has exposed my own shallowness. Ugh. But selfishly, egocentrically, I don’t want to go through all that again.


I have no answers or revelations to this problem. So I’m not a “super” Christian. But all I can ask for at this point in time is for God to help me.


Where I’ve placed other priorities above you, Lord, forgive me.
Where there is confusion, I pray for peace.
Where there is uncertainty, give me trust.
Where there is pain, grant me healing.
Where I’ve chosen to hold on, Lord, help me to put it all at the foot of your cross.
And lastly,
Lord, where there is fear, restore my sight with hope.

Well, I'm all packed...

...and ready to go.  I got hit with the feeling I'm getting married all over again.  By that I meant, I'm super excited about what is to come, but ready to be done with the preparations.  JUST GET ME THERE ALREADY! :)

I have to say I'm pretty proud of myself.  Packed in a duffle bag and a backpack.  I've traveled internationally too many times and know how beneficial it is to travel light.  Especially when you have to run across airports to try and catch the last connecting flight for the evening.... just sayin' :)

But before I get too far along in this blogpost, I want to say a quick thank you to YOU.  My reader.  Maybe we're only acquaintances, but you've taken the time to read the posts about my life.  I know how the world of cyber stalking goes, and so with that, thanks for reading :)  I also want to say I'm incredibly grateful for the people who have financially supported me, who have committed to be in prayer for me, those who've loaned me items to borrow (so I don't have to buy them myself!),  those of you who've prayed for me and haven't even told me about it and once again those who've solely read.  You are awesome!!

Am I ready?  Sure I am.  What about emotionally?  To be honest I don't know.  I'm going to encounter a culture not my own, and one that I have no familiarity with.  I don't even know how to say hello in their native language!  This trip is so different from my many other travels and missions trips.  Before there was some sort of work or task at hand.  The only task here is to go love and encourage OUR orphans, OUR kids. The other day I was reading and looking through the list of the children at the different Asia's Hope orphanages.  Mom ran away.  Parents died of disease.  And it

just

breaks

my

heart. 

I can only imagine my response.  Pastor Jim told me today when we leave them and say goodbye, many of the kids will just weep and cry.   I'm not always the most vulnerable person around people, I like to be strong.  In fact, sometimes showing that kind of "mushy" emotion scares me. But having lost my own baby, I feel like there is a part of me (that wouldn't necessarily have done quite so freely before) that will just allow myself to love them.  Be praying, this isn't going to be easy for me.

Some of you have asked how to pray, here's a quick list:
-safety/protection for the team
-that I can accurately represent Christ to my teammates, my flight buddies, the children and anyone else I encounter
-that I can be on mission and where there is an opportunity to share Christ, I will.
-that I travel well.  37 hour travel time including a 20 hour flight and ending with a 5 hour bus ride (did I mention I hate heights, have motion sickness and get restless??!!)
-that the Lord will change me and my heart

Heard a new song (well, new to me) and really fallen in love with the chorus:

"When I feel afraid I will trust in You/When I'm overcome I will cling unto the Rock that is higher/He is higher/The Rock that is higher" {michael ketterer "the rock"}

As I go into unknown, dark territory, I'm remembering these truths. Amen and amen.

why did I fret?

{Psalm 31:14}
But I trust in you, O LORD; I say "You are my God."

Seven days later, and I am blown away by God's faithfulness.  I shouldn't be, I know God is faithful, but wow, when he comes through it's nothing short of amazing.  So last week at this time I had more gray hairs appear than I had in months (years, even!)  To recap, in case you didn't read my last post, no passport, no shots, no teacher license, no phone, lens broke and low funds for my trip.  And on Thursday, I needed to add $1000 car bill because air conditioning and alternator went out. 

God provided and abundantly blessed me so much that I wanted to make sure I share about His provisions.  First of all, my camera lens.  Very essential to have and use when I'm so busy doing photography this summer as a job!  As I was coming home, I noticed it wasn't really working, frustrated I thought what am I going to do?  But for some reason earlier that week I had decided to rent another lens because I was looking to buy it.  Anyway, guess when that lens was due to arrive?? THE NEXT DAY! WOW! 

As for the funds, I got an update from my church, and support from people I didn't really even know!  Last week, God provided another $625 and like I said, some was from people I didn't know or weren't very close to, but wanted to support me anyway!  I'm blown away by that kind of generosity!  I still have $1685 to go, but how last week really lifted my spirits.  I should also mention I feel blessed by anything that people have chosen to give me, prayers, $5, whatever... I am blessed!

Still waiting on the passport, but the good news, after calling twice, is that they finally have all the correct documents.  That in itself is a hoop-la and a long story, but the fact they have everything I need gives me peace of mind.

Teacher license got approved.  Apparently, there were two applications open... somehow.  So whatever, I have a job this fall still :)

Shots.  I don't like shots.  I HATE SHOTS.  After last week running around like a chicken with my head cut off (oh yeah, this is the time my A/C stopped working too in stop and go traffic) I got my appointment set and went.  I was supposed to get 5 shots, but the nurse didn't think the records I gave her were correct so she checked with the state.  Found out, I really only needed two! WOOHOO! I, a 26- year-old, let out a squeal of excitement and high-fived the nurse.  She told me I could take pills for the Typhoid since I had already had it a couple of years ago.  Boo -yah!

As for the car, it was a bad situation gone to worse.  We took the car into the shop and it was driveable.  We went to take the car home (and wait for the repairs until my trip was paid for) and it didn't drive home at all.  Great.  $1000 and my car doesn't work.  Fantastic.  Well, we got it charged up overnight, picked it up the next day and got it home.  Galen, who is so good about anything mechanical, tore into the car himself the next night.  Changed the alternator and the car worked great.  Better yet, the A/C started working!!  Galen didn't do anything with the air because he didn't know how to change a dead compressor, but miraculously it started blowing ice cold air!  Thanks God!

This is just a quick summation of the blessings I experienced, I can't even begin to mention all the little conversations and bits of encouragement I received from you all.  Times that are trying can be difficult in ones faith because when I pray I tell God, you know I want to trust and believe you, but I don't want to sit here and sound like I'm trying to manipulate you into doing what I want.  Luckily, I serve a God who isn't manipulated, but instead is just gracious and loving.  I've been reading through the Psalms and can relate to David.  One chapter David is proclaiming victory over his enemies and the next he is asking God, when?  When will you vindicate me?  That has been my own walk this week.

"Even if we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself" 2 Timothy 2:13

I must have a giant X on my back...

because my stress level and plate load is getting quite heavy.  And by giant X on my back, I'm referring to the fact that I'm leaving on a missions trip in two weeks. I don't know if any of you can relate, but I feel like I'm the type of person who can deal with stressful situations for awhile, even a LONG while, and then it's one more thing and I lose it. Of course, like many of you, I like to have it together. Unfortunately, I sometimes go on through life trying to juggle this balancing act. People may offer to help, but no, it's okay I got it. Did I also mention I'm stubborn and independent, too? Fatal combination I fear.  




 Through all the years of Christian education, sermons and various other trips I've been on, I'm very aware of the fact there is spiritual warfare.  Satan doesn't want ministry to take place, instead he'd rather keep me from doing anything at all.  Now do I realize stressful situations occur to other people who aren't going on trips?  Absolutely, but within the last week all of these things have taken place. 


But I have learned am still learning to depend upon God.  So many times God has provided what I've needed when I needed it (and not when I THOUGHT I did.)  Anyway, I often find myself in between trusting God and asking, when Lord, WHEN?  I'm learning to practice patience in the process.  God, did I ask for that?  Because if I did, I take it back!  Just kidding!  But seriously....  :)


I have a list below of seemingly stressful situations, one in and of itself isn't so bad, but I keep getting handed plates and the load is getting heavy.

What's on my plate you may ask?  Here's a brief list.
-Dropped my phone in the toilet, and no I didn't have that expensive insurance
-Buying a new phone
-A/C in car just went out
-Battery light on car turned on
-one of my lenses for my camera broke or doesn't work or whatever you want to say
-Need to get my shots for my trip

-Haven't gotten my passport back yet
-Need to raise $2300 for my Asia's Hope trip that I leave for in TWO weeks

Today as I was driving to the grocery store, I just started to get teary eyed. Ahhhhhhhhhhh, I can't do this I prayed.  Then I asked God if he had any blessings in store for me today, I could certainly use them.    Later when I went to the grocery store, I was putting back a regular pack of Pepsi for diet when an older Pepsi man, who was standing there, said I'd be charged a $5 restocking fee.  I looked at him and smiled and said, "Oh yeah?"  He started laughing and so did I.  It felt so good to laugh I almost started crying.  It may sound silly to you, but I really needed to laugh. 

After being at Momentum this week one of the speakers, David Nasser, said something very profound.  He said, "I'm not doubting that the thing you are facing is bigger than you, I'm just reminding you that my God is bigger than your situation." Praying I remember that truth today.

Preparing for Thailand & Cambodia

Quick little update on my trip to Thailand & Cambodia.  Just over 4 weeks til I leave.  Oh my gosh.  I have shots to get and I just sent in for my passport.  Yeah, I really like to make my life more stressful sometimes...!

Anyway, wanted to give a quick update on how prepping for this trip is going.  I first of all have to say THANK YOU to all who have supported me financially.  So far, I have $1050 (nearly a third) raised for my trip!!  What a blessing!  I am so thrilled and grateful for those who've said they'd give and those who've said they will be praying.  I couldn't do this trip without your support... so thank you, thank you, thank you! And just thanks for reading this blog! :)

Little sidenote here, if you'd like to support me, we will be having a car wash THIS WEEKEND {July 2nd}  Here is the information from facebook ... Asia's Hope Car Wash.  I'd love to see you there.  It's just downtown Goshen at the Wagon Wheel parking lot.  Or you can always send in money to my church (check my last post for information) it's not to late to give! :)

I'm really shocked this trip is coming up so quickly and has really begun forcing me to focus.  In our informational meeting about this trip, Pastor Jim warned that as soon as we commit to going on this trip a large X will appear on our back and we can start expecting things to go wrong.  It would be satan's attempt to discourage our resolve to go.  Well, I have thought about that statement quite a bit and have gone on enough trips to understand what Pastor Jim was talking about.  But this time around, (at least not so far), I'm not feeling like my world is colliding and falling a part.  But satan doesn't have to do that.  All he has to do is keep me from spending time with God.  And unfortunately, with a change in schedule and routine, (school's out for summer, photography is keeping me busy) I have found myself spending less and less time with God.  So while I have been prepared for the world to collapse, I haven't been good about protecting my time with God.  And that needs to change. 

I know I'm so on again, off again about blogging (but when you have two to keep up with.... :) but I am going to attempt to blog about how God is preparing my heart for this trip.  I'd love it if you'd stay tuned and keep me accountable.

That's all for now.  Be blessed! :)

I could use your help :)

I have recently, VERY recently, decided to go with my church to Thailand & Cambodia to visit Asia's Hope.  As a church, we have two orphanages we sponsor specifically.  A couple of years ago, before Galen & I started attending Grace, our pastor challenged our church to raise enough money to build another orphanage for Asia's Hope.  They were so moved that they raised enough for TWO orphanages that Sunday morning!  Ever since then, our church has seen these kids as OUR kids, OUR responsibility. So about every 9 or 10 months another group from Grace goes over just to love on those kids.  We'll also help with whatever projects need to be worked on.  This past Spring, our church was once again challenged and we raised enough money to build a home for one of our orphanges.  Before they had only rented their building.

Personally, I've been really excited and challenged to go.  Reading the book Heaven is For Real by 4 year old Colton Burpo (actually written by dad, but about his young son's story) tells his dad that Jesus really loves kids.  He continues to remind his parents about that truth throughout the book, and when I questioned if God really wanted me to do this I heard, "Kelli, Jesus REALLY loves children."  And after losing my child last year, I am ready to go love on others who don't have parents of their own.

This trip will cost $3500.  I'm excited to say, I have a tenth of it already paid for! Woohoo!  Galen & I are prepared to make our own financial contribution to this trip, but we can't do it all.  And this is where I could use your help.  Would you PRAYERFULLY consider giving any amount?  If I had 320 people give $10 or 160 give $20 I could have this trip paid for in full!  But here's the thing, I don't want you to feel guilty. You can't help everyone and if you're like me, we always get support letters.  So if you don't feel like God is leading you to give, that's fine.  We are still friends :)  But if you could give any amount, even just $10, it'd be appreciated!

Thanks for reading!
-Kelli


If you would like to give you can copy and paste the bottom portion of this and mail it in with a check:

Kelli Rasler

Thailand & Cambodia
Asia’s Hope

Name and address: __________________________________________________________________________

Phone: __________________________________
Email: ___________________________________________

I would like to donate

____$10_____$25 _____$50 _____$75 _____$100 ______ Other

Please make checks payable to Grace Community Church. Please send this form with your check to:
Grace Community Church
20076 CR 36
Goshen, IN 46526

Your contribution will be tax deductible, just make sure you don't put my name on the check! Thanks! :)